


The Best Sweepstakes Ever

by 4captains



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Artist Steve, M/M, Punk Steve Rogers, Rockstar Bucky Barnes, Trans Steve Rogers, i dont expect this to be popular but oh well, im a queer trans guy so sue me, rocker bucky barnes, this is a little bit of fan service so just be aware of that, yes this is self-serving
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2020-03-09
Packaged: 2020-08-20 14:56:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 43,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20229733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/4captains/pseuds/4captains
Summary: Steven Grant Rogers is a self-made man...literally. Assigned female at birth, he knew since he was very small that he was a man. Coming out was alright, but dysphoria wasn't, so he sought comfort in the punk community. It wasn't until he was 20 that he first heard the music of a local garage band. When he was an adult, they hit the big times. Steve won a sweepstakes competition to see them at a massive venue, where he connects with flirtatious lead Bucky Barnes. But will Steve coming out as trans change the gay singer's view of him? Or will it all work out in the end?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Yes yes, this is a LOT of self-serving. I'm a trans guy who's engaged to a gay man, so life tends to work out for me...but I didn't always feel that way! Hopefully this story touches other transmasculine people, but I'm not expecting it to be super popular! That's okay! I hope you all enjoy!

Steven Grant Rogers had landed in the punk scene at age 14. It was a young time to be involved; the scene could be tough, but was all-in-all one of the easiest places you could learn to be yourself. And good God, Steve needed that place. 

Steve was a guy who happened to be transgender. It wasn’t relevant what his birth name was, but he hadn’t liked it for as long as he could remember. It wasn’t that the name itself was bad; it was that the name was distinctly a feminine one, and the pronouns associated with it were just WRONG. Coming out narrowed his dating pool significantly, despite his bisexuality...though even if he had been old enough, he wouldn’t care. He was sick of being seen as a woman when he was a man. That being said, things were complicated when you passed as male and still had tits.

When Steve came out to Sarah Rogers, there had been no kickback. Tears had been shed, but tears of relief. Steve had been a deeply depressed child, and Sarah had done everything she could to help...but nothing had improved. So when she found out she had a son and not a daughter, she was just over the moon that there was something she could do. The Rogers’ were not a wealthy family; in fact, they were low income, barely making ends meet since Joseph Rogers had passed. Despite that, Sarah scrounged and bought Steve new clothes as often as possible. She also saved enough as a nurse to get Steve two brand new chest binders, which he cherished with all his heart. He was all-in-all a MUCH happier man. His life went on for 2 years before he discovered punk music. He fell in love with it. The songs embodied freedom and rebellion against society’s norms, which he WHOLLY identified with. His mother supported him, and on Christmas got him some eyeliner and hair dye. He experimented with this for a while, and while the eyeliner stayed, his hair was soon grown back to blonde. The next few Christmases, he received art supplies. One year, his gift was an art tablet. He adored all of it.

Steve knew he was lucky to have his mom. So many didn’t get what he had, but each year with her was a blessing. The day came when he was 19 years old, and she passed away. It had been expected; she’d had a bad strain of flu that she got while working, and there wasn’t much for it. Steve had grieved...of course he had. He’d ended up continuing to live in the house that had been left to him outside of the city limits, and made it his own. 

Steve started following the punk band “Talk is Cheap” when he was 20 years old. They were just a garage band playing parties at the time, and an acquaintance of Steve’s from the scene had gone to one of their events. She saw that they were selling CD’s, and bought one for 3 bucks. She gifted it to Steve, just for the hell of it. Steve had fallen in love, though he had no idea anything about this band other than their musical style. Steve’s 23rd birthday marked the band’s explosion in popularity, and Steve felt a glowing sense of pride that he’d supported them via iTunes well before that. It was 3 years after that that a radio station announced Talk is Cheap were coming to New York. Steve lived on people commissioning him for art work and a part time job at the library, so he wasn’t in a position to buy tickets. That was when he heard about a giveaway contest run by the band. It was TOTALLY random, and somehow...Steve won! He’d be in the front row!

Steve wasn't the type to be obsessed; he enjoyed the music, and was eager to see it live. He was slender and sweet; he wore glasses and had a sleeve of tattoos on each arm, and some on his back. He also had a tongue piercing, and each ear had a stud in it. He was a typical punk in every way, except that his hair was always neat and fairly short, and he was too slim to count as the traditional punk rock image. 

The day of the concert arrived. He dressed casually in a black t-shirt and washed out jeans, with a pair of red high tops to boot. He was excited for the concert to begin, and as soon as he identified himself and showed his pass, he was allowed right up to the front. When the concert began, he was amazed at how exhilarated he felt. As a guy who was barely making ends meet, this was his very first concert. He looked up at Bucky Barnes, the leading man, and beamed happily. What a night!

James Barnes, better known as his nickname name ‘Bucky’, had started this band when he was 18 with his best friends Natasha (Guitar), Clint (Drums), Thor (bass), and himself as the lead singer. They did what they loved, which was music. In their early twenties, they’d really taken off. Today, six years later, they were a success, making records and touring...it was great!

Their fanbase was big, but they still agreed on arranging competitions to many of their concerts, hoping to get tickets to people who otherwise couldn't afford them. Their tickets weren't cheap, but they weren’t super expensive either. It helped them make money, while also keeping them relatively affordable.

Tonight Bucky knew there was a competition, and he always made special care to make some form of contact with the winner. He easily spotted at least one, a tatted up cutie with the backstage pass around his neck. It was easy enough; the contest winners were the only ones with backstage passes. As Bucky got set up with his guitar, he grinned and winked at the winner. 

Throughout the concert he kept sending the blonde smiles and winks, at one point even tossing him his water bottle. Nat flung a plectrum to him. They still lobbed more into the audience too, but especially to the blonde.

Steve was stunned. Stunned at the way the singer was looking at him; in fact, the whole band was treating him like royally. It was just plain bizarre, but Steve wasn’t complaining. He held onto the items thrown at him, not sure what to do with himself. He was already nervous to meet the band, but he didn’t want to seem too starstruck. As the concert came to a close, he and two other contest winners were taken backstage by security to meet the band. 

Steve tried to be confident as always, but standing up to bullies was different than being strong in front of his favorite musicians. However, he followed the escort into the dressing room, where they waited for the band.

Thor and Clint were the first to arrive, eager to say hi to their fans. Natasha and Bucky came after; Bucky as always had taken some time to talk to the audience, then helped quickly pack up his guitar. It was his baby, after all. Bucky came into the room at a jog, smiling wide. Admittedly, meeting artist after their shows weren't optimal as the entire band was just keeping alive on sheer force of will. It was hard not to succumb to exhaustion. Bucky had also smelled a lot better. He bounced around the stage and the lamps were extremely warm, after all. The sweat was almost unbearable. That being said, he was smiling wide anyway, hugging the two other contestants and taking pictures. Finally, he approached the cute blonde. It was no secret that the punk was precisely his taste. The other two contestants were busy with the other band members, and Bucky held his hand out with a happy smile "m' Bucky!" He introduced himself with his thick Brooklyn accent.

Steve had greeted all the band members with equal amounts of enthusiasm. He was sure they were all wiped out, so he was grateful they were doing this in the first place. It wasn't until he saw the lead singer up close and personal that he realized exactly how good looking this guy was. He shook hands with the other, and replied clearly "Steve Rogers." His blue eyes sparkled with happiness at the direct conversation. "Thank you for doing this, by the way. You must be exhausted, and I appreciate you taking the time."

"Still kinda high from the rush of bein' on stage. Soon as I come back to my bed, I'm gonna crash." He explained with a little laugh. "So, Stevie! Do I get a hug from the cutest guy in the room? Or will I have to beg ya 'bout it?" Bucky smiles sweet and innocent. Steve reflected that that really didn’t go with the black makeup, leather jacket, torn jeans, or long hair. Bucky did it anyway because he hoped for a hug from Steve. 

And that was enough to get Steve flustered. Being bisexual and quite small in stature, he wasn't used to getting attention from anyone really. In fact, this might be the first time someone had so openly flirted with him. This...was flirting, right? And the name ‘Stevie’ had dropped off this guy's tongue so easily. It was amazing to Steve. He stepped forward and initiated the hug, deciding that when Bucky let go, he would too. Thankfully he was binding, so his chest wasn’t obvious even on contact.

Bucky found that Steve was the ideal size to hug. He could practically envelope Steve entirely because of his size, and that was just fucking darling. Bucky loved hugs. Bucky eventually let him go with a little wink. He does take off his jacket though, because while he was burning up, the dressing room was kind of chilly and Steve looked as if he was going to start freezing in his thin clothes. Bucky easily drapes the jacket over Steve's shoulders and chuckled lightly. The jacket is big, but not so that Steve look comical in it. He looked like a cute, cozy little boyfriend. "Suits ya." He says playfully.

By now, while Thor and Clint talked to the other two fans, Natasha was watching shrewdly. She knew the guy was exactly Bucky's type; he'd never been shy about expressing his interests before. But this felt different to Natasha. This felt...well. Just different.

Steve instinctively reached to ensure that the jacket was secure around him. It was a thick leather affair, and it definitely warmed him up. "Thanks" he said, grinning. It was weird; he felt sort of loose and open, like he wasn't afraid to be more himself than he had been in a long time. "So...where's the next concert taking you?" he asked, his smile slipping a little.

Bucky felt a little different too, he was genuinely interested in Steve, to know him a little better. This wasn't just to flirt or keep up an image. 

"We're headed to Chicago in two days, got two concerts there. After that we're comin’ back here to New York for a two week break. Just enjoyin’ bein' home y'know? Some interviews, but I get to sleep in my own bed." There's a little laugh in his voice and something dreamy in his eyes. Some days he just missed being home. "How'bout you gorgeous? Got any grand plans?"

"I have a small exhibit coming up" he admitted "I'm an artist; I make money doing commissions online.” He loved this jacket already; it smelled a little, but in a very Bucky way. He was pretty sure the musician was flirting because...that was what he did. But Steve would enjoy it while he could.

"Oh yeah? When's it at?" Bucky asks curiously, "Gonna invite me t’ check it out?" 

Yep, anyone in his band would absolutely know he had a thing for the blonde. Bucky didn't really do art shows, but he was eager to see what Steve did. Maybe he’d start seeing Steve more if he was lucky!

“You want to come?” Steve asked in surprise. Was this really happening? It wasn’t that he got starstruck easily, but something about Bucky had him really interested.

"If ya lemme?" said Bucky with a little cheeky smile. "I mean, I ain’t good at art, but I wouldn't mind seein' yours y'know." 

"What you do is an art" responded Steve without hesitation. "But...yeah, I'd like it if you'd come." He was half suspecting that this was just the rocker being polite. You know, being kind to fans. But he was hoping he'd actually see him. 

Bucky pulls out one of the makeup remover pads and smiled goofily at Steve, "Y'want a pic with me in makeup before I wipe it off?" He offers, knowing sometimes that's what fans are most interested in. Aside from that, the others had gotten pictures with him in full makeup, so he'd offer it to the cute guy too.

"Actually" he said at the question "I'd rather get a picture with you at my event, if that's alright." A little probing question.

Bucky laughs and nods, “Tha’s a deal then” He rubbed his face off sloppily with the wipe, then winks at the blond as he plops down onto the couch and holds his hand out, easily pulling Steve down beside him. "So y're an artist? Tell me'bout it?"

Steve's hand tingled where the musician had touched it; his fingers were calloused from playing guitar, whereas Steve's were very soft and gentle. The juxtaposition was frankly really nice. "Oh...well, I do a lot of art in my free time while I’m not working in a library. Extra money.” he explained “Mostly shelving books, but I live on commissions too." He looked at Bucky with interest. It felt odd to have someone be so focused on him, especially Bucky Barnes. "My specialty is in sketching, but I like to paint too. Watercolors, for the most part. Digital art what makes up most of my commissions."

Bucky listened, paid close attention and nodded along. It did sound pretty normal, but for Bucky, kind of exciting too. He hadn't exactly had a chance to do normal. 

"Well, I hope I'll get to see it then. What day is your thing? So I know when to show up, also, time. Y'know what?" Bucky gently took Steve's hand and jotted out his number quickly with a pen from his pocket, right onto Steve's arm. "There, y’ text me the details, and I'll be there. Don' give that number out though."

"I won't" promised Steve, who was still more shocked by this show of trust. He was pretty sure this was unusual; in fact, at this point he was sure. But he had a dawning sense of horror; if this was going to be a date, he’d have to explain his...identity. He hated the thought. He hated the idea of the disgusted look that Bucky might get.

They didn’t chat much longer; Steve could see the adrenaline fading and Bucky getting tired. They hugged goodbye, and Steve left. Bucky had left his jacket on Steve. The blond had tried to give it back, but Bucky had just shaken his head and said it looked better on Steve. And it DID look great, kind of like they were boyfriends. As Steve went, he tried to process what the hell had just happened. The drive home was introspective, quiet. As soon as he got back, he texted the musician.

‘Hello. It's Steve Rogers. My event is at the Owlens Museum of Art in the guest artist area, at 6:00 in the evening, on the 14th. I hope you can make it. Thanks for everything tonight; it meant a lot.’

Meanwhile, Natasha was laying in the tour bus watching Bucky. "You should sleep instead of waiting for your boyfriend to text you."

"Ugh, I wish. He was fucking adorable. He invited me to his art... thingy. I’m gonna go." Bucky practically coos. So fucking excited. 

When his phone buzzed Bucky practically flops around, eager as a school kid. "Officially invited." He cheers. 

‘See you there, punk. Think I left my wallet in the jacket, keep it safe for me until then will you? There's like a hundred bucks in there if ya want pizza. xo -Bucky’

Steve stared at the message and hastily texted back ‘I'll keep it safe; but I'm not spending your money’

‘Adorable, but really, I wouldn't mind. If not, maybe I can use the money to ask you out for dinner with?’ Bucky was beaming as he texted.

Steve gaped at his phone for a long time. ‘Are you being serious?’ He texted, with a few emojis that indicated nervousness. ‘If you are, I'd really like that.’

Bucky snickers at the text he just received, ‘I'm serious, I'll take you anywhere, do you know any good places? <3’

Steve considered his favorite places, and then texted back ‘I could actually cook for you, if you want. I'll use some of the money to pick up ingredients and a bottle of wine. Does that sound alright?’

Bucky hummed and smiled at his phone. That did sound even better. On the road, you really got sick and tired of fast food and eating out. Homemade was best. The best he knew was showing up at his folks house and getting real homemade food. ‘If you cook, I'll probably start to show up in your kitchen as often as I can, I miss homemade food. <3 <3’

The hearts were enough to send Steve head over heels. This thing with Bucky felt different. It felt...real. Like a true connection. Steve pulled the jacket tighter around him where he sat on his couch. ‘I wouldn't protest to that’ he texted back.

Bucky smiled and send a winking emoji and a ‘See you at the art show punk.’

"He was cute though, wasn't he?" Bucky asked Natasha with a longing sigh.

Natasha looked at him worriedly. "James" she said, a little more seriously, "Our lives are complicated. We're constantly on the road. Wouldn't it be easier to just...y'know, have a quick fuck?" It was both a test and a concern. She wanted to know how serious he was, while also being worried that he was going to get hurt.

"No." Bucky says softly. "I want a family someday Nat. I really like him, wanna know where'at can go, y'know?"

It wasn't a secret. Bucky had expressed a wish to one day have a partner and maybe a kid. They all knew that. Nat had Clint, Tony had Pepper. Bucky wanted someone in his life. 

Natasha smiled, and lay on her back "Don't get too ahead of yourself Barnes. Don't tell me you believe in love at first sight." She didn't look at him, but was clearly listening.

"I know." Sighs Bucky, but still smiling. "I jus’ have a good feeling about this one. I think maybe there could be somethin’ there." He wasn't sure; he'd known Steve for less than three hours and all that, but he had a good feeling. Bucky was pretty damn good at judging people's character. "Besides, he's an artist! Maybe he can do his commissions on the road." 

Now Natasha really was worried. Bucky was putting a lot of hope in someone he didn't know. "Whatever he decides, and whatever happens, we have your back" she responded, and rolled over to go to sleep.

Bucky stayed awake for a long time, thinking about the potential of Steve...not knowing exactly how much more complicated things would be.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky attends Steve's art exhibit and has a blast, as well as claiming to be Steve's boyfriend to get someone annoying to go away. Steve quite likes that!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOHOO! Chapter 2! Hope you're all enjoying!

They text a little more on the days Bucky is away. Bucky asks what Steve is up to, and sends pictures to him from the road or backstage. He complained a bit about being bored, asks Steve if he wanted to play scrabble...which the little punk does! It made Bucky's days better. 

When the day of Steve's art event comes, Bucky popped into a pair of nice comfortable jeans, his combat boots, and a hoodie. He hoped no one would pay too much attention. He didn't want people to start focusing on him...but he does smile as he walks up behind a familiar blonde and gently taps his shoulder. "Ya sellin' ya things sugar?"

Steve had been worried he was crazy; that Bucky might be busy, or not end up coming for another reason. Steve was wearing a pair of nice jeans, a button up short-sleeved shirt, and a cardigan. It covered most of his tattoos, though not all, and his piercings were still in. He turned quickly to face Bucky, and beamed "Hey, welcome! I'm glad you came. Yeah, everything's for sale" he replied, indicating the watercolor paintings on the wall.

"I like that one over there." He says, motioning over to one of them. When Steve was looking, Bucky pulled him in for a big hug. He simply kept his arm wrapped around the artist while looking at the art. "How do I buy it? Through you or the gallery? How do ya get most money outta it?" He asked, because he was a firm believer that Steve should get the most out of a sale. He'd done the art, after all!

Steve followed his eyes to one of the birds flying in a tornado formation, above a child who was looking up with her arms in the air. The sky around the birds was dark, but the birds themselves were light and the girl was beautiful and smiling innocently. "You buy them through the gallery, and 80% goes directly to me" He responded, and leaned into the hug a little. He grinned up at Bucky, crinkling his nose in amusement. "Are you sure you want one? You don't need to."

"I want it, know exactly where it'll go on my wall at my place." Bucky hums with a wide smile. "Place's too empty, y'know? Just didn' know what to put up there. But these are all impressive Stevie, y'got ya own page ya sell'em on too?"

"Oh, no" he shook his head ruefully. "I'm really just getting started on the scene. I wanted to know how well they'd do, so I'm essentially selling them for the cost of materials until I know exactly how much they're worth. I kind of have a page on an art site where selling is an option, but I don’t have a personal one."

"You should have a page! These are great." But then again, Bucky wasn't good at the paintings and stuff like that. He just knew what he saw and that he liked it, which should be enough, shouldn't it? "So, what exactly do you want to do with your art?”

"I'm hoping to do commissions full time" he admitted "But I'll probably have to get another job beyond that and the library. Not that it'd be easy. Between my tattoos and my...my health problems..." He winced. Probably shouldn't have brought that up.

"Oh yeah? Can't you be one of those that rich people hire to pick out art and stuff? Like Lily in How I Met Your Mother?" Bucky suggests, not seeming to have any issue with Steve's possible health problems. Why should he? He didn't really mind them…he just hoped Steve was okay.

"Oh, I don't know about that" laughed Steve, who was still up close and personal with Bucky. "I mean, I-"

"Steven!" Called a reproachful voice from behind them. The man who was approaching was only a few inches shorter than Bucky, and seemed stunned at the sight of Steve held by the rocker.

Steve was uncomfortable, though he didn't seem scared. He didn't scare easily. Discomfort though? That was something he got quite often, not just physically, but emotionally. This guy had been pursuing him for a long time. "Hey Axel" he greeted the other. 

The guy had very few tattoos, and was built like an athlete. He didn't seem aggressive; more angry than anything, without looking liable to attack. "Steven-" he began.

"D'ya want me to..?" Bucky lamely moves his arm around, not sure what he'd do. Look at art maybe, that's what you did at these things. But he was still having one arm around Steve, almost protectively. The guy sounded angry and Bucky wasn't too much of a fan of that. But also was aware it was up to Steve if he wanted his intervention or not.

Steve stayed close to Bucky and spoke to Axel. "Thanks for coming" he said firmly "Let me know if you see anything you like."

"Who is this?" asked Axel abruptly, pointing at Bucky rudely. He didn't look like he would hurt anyone, but if he didn't shut up soon, he was going to make a scene.

That's when Steve stepped forward "He's someone who's important to me, just in a different way than you. Axel, we've been over this. I'm not interested in you that way."

"Steve, you have to listen to me!" he demanded

Bucky kisses Steve's cheek, then holds his hand out with an award winning smile. "M'James, Stevie’s boyfriend. S'pose we ain't got an issue here do we? Would hate to make a scene if ya make my boy uncomfortable." Bucky's voice is cheerful, but firm. It’s no secret to anyone that he was asserting his dominance in the situation. He hoped Steve would be okay with it.

Steve didn't show any indication of surprise. He reflected that this was definitely a strange situation; Bucky wasn't going to back down, and neither was Steve. Steve had given Axel plenty of warning, but the asshole didn't seem to want to take no for an answer. 

Axel looked shocked at the revelation that Steve had a boyfriend. At first, he seemed like he wasn't going to back down. Eventually, however, he turned and left without another word.

Steve glowered after him. He was doing the same thing Bucky was, standing defensively, ready to fight even if it wouldn't be necessary. When Axel left, he let himself relax, and looked up at Bucky gratefully. "Thanks" he said clearly.

Bucky was relieved that the guy decided to back off, because really, Bucky didn't want to start a fist fight or make a scene, even if he absolutely would have if he'd needed it. 

"Well, y're makin' me dinner someday, closest I get to a boyfriend." Bucky says with a cheeky little smile. "So, who's the asshole?"

"He's been wanting a date for a while" responded Steve, looking up at Bucky and refusing to blush. "He doesn't take no for an answer; not that he's dangerous, and I know he wouldn't..." He gritted his teeth at the very idea. "But he's annoying, so hopefully this stops him. It meant a lot for you to...say that." Even if you didn't mean it. He thought the last part privately.

Bucky hums and nods. "Well, if ya ever need me to help get people off ya back, lemme know." He means that, and it's clear that he means it even if he was smiling as he said it.

Steve rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, and quickly straightened his glasses. "I'll be okay" he responded "Besides, that's not the only reason I'd want you around." He crinkled his nose cheekily.

Bucky laughs and playfully pushes Steve away from him, grinning widely. "I suppose I have a few uses! I mean, my dashin' looks and my absolute charm. Oh! Also the fact that I ain't even able to make mac'n cheese!" Bucky said cheerfully

"I'll have to make you dinner more often then!" responded Steve with a snort. He mourned the loss of Bucky's arm around him, but said nothing about it. Suddenly, someone else had his attention, asking him a question about a piece. Excusing himself, he went to answer, clearly in his element talking about art.

Bucky smiled and touched Steve's back before slipping off. He was going to buy that piece, and when he does he even pays a higher price. The gallery lady smiled at him and told him she would make sure the money came Steve.

Bucky padded around for a while, before seeking out Steve again. He smiled when he saw the artist enthralled in a conversation about paint. Fucking cute.

As the exhibit started to wind down, Steve approached Bucky. His eyes were bright and happy. "What did you think?" he asked hopefully.

"Loved it." Bucky says with a wide smile. "Think ya should have y'own page. I got a friend, might be able to help ya. Loki, he fixes web pages and shit like'at. He set ours up for us." 

Loki was Thor's adopted brother, and while being the black sheep of the family, he wasn't all that bad. A bit of an asshole from time to time, but who wasn't?

"You think he would?" asked Steve eagerly. He couldn't believe this was happening! He straightened his glasses and looked up at the rocker. "I'd really appreciate it. And...I'm glad you liked it."

Fuck, Steve was adorable; those glasses, the hair, the tattoos poking out? Bucky fucking adored it.

Steve noticed how Bucky was looking at him, and was suitably embarrassed. He just wasn't adjusted to being looked at like that. "I really appreciate you coming. Seriously."

"Hey, y'came to my concert." Says Bucky playfully, gently nudging Steve's shoulder. "So, what day are ya invitin' me for dinner? Hopefully soon." Bucky had a time now that he was home. He also really liked Steve and wanted to spend a lot of time with him.

“Is tomorrow too soon?” Asked Steve, who was feeling more and more ready for this. And more and more excited to spend time with the rocker. 

"Tomorrow work for me, saves me from another pizza." Bucky says with a grin.

“Can I...ask you something?” Steve looked up at Bucky quizzically. “Do you do this a lot?”

His face softens a little as he shakes his head. "No, not at all really. I mean, I hook up, ain't no virgin, but tha’s usually one night at a hotel." Lying isn’t something Bucky likes to do, so telling the truth, even if it doesn't exactly make him the best guy in the book, makes him feel a lot more comfortable. "Dunno, just kinda clicked with ya, wanna see what might happen. Friends, more, whichever, I want to get to know ya closer."

Steve flushed in embarrassment. He was a virgin, actually, and there was something else he didn’t know if he should admit it to his new...person. “I feel the same way” he admitted “But I um...there’s something you should know…”

Bucky chuckled lightly and nods. "Don’ worry about it. There’s a lot of time, y’know?” Bucky gently ruffled Steve's hair. He just liked feeling it between his fingers because it was really nice. "I betcha you'll find that special someone soon 'nuff. Y're cute as a button."

"Maybe I already have" responded Steve, winking cheekily. He would normally hate feeling someone ruffle his hair like that, but with Bucky it felt different. It felt perfect. The truth was, Steve was pretty confident when he wasn't caught off guard. At the moment, his tough guy attitude and confidence were growing. Flirting wasn't his strong point, but maybe as time passed, he could get better at it...especially considering how interested he was in Bucky.

Bucky smiled wide, clearly surprised but positively so. Who couldn't be positively surprised about something like this? The cute blond actually flirting back. "Let's hope." Bucky hums in return.

At that moment, the woman in charge of the exhibit came over with a check for Steve, and the painting for Bucky. Steve looked at the number on the check and paled in shock, looking up at Bucky with wide eyes "You really bought it?" he asked, absolutely stunned.

"I told ya! Got the perfect spot for it." He says cheerfully, accepting the painting eagerly. "Got this staircase, two floor apartment, it'll look great there." It really would, it would look stunning!

Steve was extremely flattered. "I'd love to see it sometime" He suggested "I've never seen my paintings hanging anywhere but art shows and my own house." He grinned "I could get used to this flattery”

"How'bout the next time ya make food, not tomorrow, but the time after that if y're interested, y'do it at my place?" Bucky suggests with an innocent smile. "If ya gimme a list, I'd have all ingredients there."

"That sounds great" Steve responded with an open smile. "Really, that sounds amazing." He was already looking forward to this. He didn't hesitate, but did something pretty ballsy. He leaned up and kissed Bucky's cheek.

Bucky quickly steals one back, then pulls Steve in for a hug. "I had a blast Stevie, thanks for lettin'me come." He was clearly being honest and not coming with empty flattery; he really had fun. "Text me ya address an' time for me to swing by t'morrow, yeah?"

"I will" promised Steve.

And he did.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky comes over for a nice meal, and when things start to heat up, Steve breaks down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up! This gets a touch emotional and ends on a cliff hanger!

The next morning, Steve was up at 8 am to go get all the supplies he needed for dinner. He wasn't often at the grocery store by 8:30 in the morning, so when he got there he was surprised at how empty it was. He got some looks by the few people there, mostly the elderly. He wasn’t looking his most punk, but the tattoos were very obvious. That, plus the piercings...he definitely didn’t look like he should be there at 8:30 in the morning. He ignored the looks.

Steve went to produce, the butchery, and the baking aisle. When he had everything, he got in the short line at the only open register to pay...when things got complicated. He took out his debit card and passed it to the older cashier. He was about to swipe it when he noticed the name. Steve paled at the realization of what was about to happen as the man looked more carefully at it. 

And then his stomach dropped as the man said, loud enough for people within 50 feet to hear “Are you a girl? This is a girl’s name.”

Steve had been through this before, and while it made him sick, he knew exactly what to say. “I’m a lesbian.” he said shortly. He needed to MOVE, the stuff he was making took a WHILE and he needed to get it all ready!

The cashier wouldn’t accept the card. Steve, frustrated and upset, paid using the money Bucky had left. He’d wanted to avoid that, but he had no choice. Steve quickly gathered his possessions and loaded them into his little hatchback. He went to sit in the driver’s seat, staring broodingly out the windshield and reflecting on what was going to happen if Bucky found out he was trans. Finally, he started his car and got everything home.

He started out by making the fresh rolls; the dough would need to settle for a while, so when he was through with that, he chopped vegetables and put them in the slow cooker. At 5, he got started on the steaks; he wanted to do it right, and didn’t want Bucky to have to wait. If he timed it right, this would be perfect. He was serving everything up at 6 on the dot when the doorbell rang. Steve was dressed pretty simply, in nice jeans and a t-shirt that revealed all his tattoos... but he had a floral apron on that he frankly forgot to take off.

Bucky had spent the day with Nat and Clint, mostly gushing about Steve because... well? Bucky had such a major crush it was fucking ridiculous. But hey! Steve seemed to like him back too. At six, he was at Steve's door, a nice bottle of wine and a bunch of twenty red roses in hand. He was dressed in a nice pair of jeans, a nice tee, and his hair was up in a bun. The full covering galaxy sleeve on his left arm was in view for anyone to see. Well, for Steve. Steve could see it. He grins when Steve opens the door in the tackiest apron Bucky had ever seen. "Heya sugar." He says, holding over the roses. "Gotcha flowers."

Steve had had something snarky all prepared for the first moment he saw Bucky...but it immediately dropped out of his head. He accepted the roses and sought to find something to say, finally managing "Thanks, Buck. They're beautiful." He stood there wordlessly for a moment, before remembering himself "Oh shit, come in" he said quickly, stepping back to allow the rocker inside.

Steve's place was a small house, but charming and well tended to. The lawn was very small, with an apple tree out front. The walkway was paved with stones set into the ground. Inside, there was a front room, a kitchen area, a hall, a closet, and two bedrooms. It was just the one story. The kitchen doubled as the dining space, and that's where Steve led the way.

"I like ya place." Bucky says honestly, because it's really cute. Not at all very punk, but real cute. It was a lot more homey than Bucky's place, probably because Steve actually lived here while Bucky only lived at his place when he wasn't at tours.He wondered if it was in Steve’s nature to be softer and more gentle. "Fits ya apron." He said playfully

Steve had been putting the roses in a vase, and looked down when the apron was brought up. He went red but snarked back "It matches the rose tat on my ass." He took the apron off and asked "Wanna sit? Food's ready"

"Y'gonna tease me with tellin’ me y'have a rose tat an' not show me? Rude Steve, rude." Bucky said this very dramatically. Bucky was a diva, always had been... at least in the playful way.  
He gladly sits down and watches Steve while he sets out their food, watching in amazement. "Don’ get how y'can make food outta stuff like this.. S'cool."

"My ma taught me." he responded, straightening his glasses as he finished up the steaks. "She used to say ‘I don't care who you are! You'll learn to cook before you leave my house.' And, well...I wanted to leave at some point, so I learned pretty quick." He set the plate in front of Bucky; fresh made rolls, steak, veggies, and a glass of wine for each of them. "How's it look?" he asked, sounding cocky. He knew damn well his food was good.

"Like a fucking dream." Bucky sighs happily "S’ been like three months since I had homemade food." He spoke honestly. The last time he'd been with his folks actually. Nat and Clint could both make food, Thor could bake, but they couldn't exactly do it on the bus or at hotels.

"Go for it" said Steve eagerly. His heart had lifted to hear that Bucky would hopefully like it. He took a bite of his own food. To him, it was fair; not his best work. To Bucky, it was incredible.

Bucky happily ate some of his food and just kind of sighs in bliss, because it was really good food. "God, can I stay forever?" Sighed the musician, closing his eyes for a moment, just savoring the taste. Fuck, if he hadn't been smitten already, he was pretty sure he would have been now. The way to Bucky’s heart really was through his stomach.

Steve laughed, relieved that Bucky liked it so much. "Sure you can" he agreed, kind of excited by that statement even if he knew it was a joke. "You like it?" It was a stupid question; it sure seemed like he did.

Bucky grinned cheekily at Steve, then hums very happily "I do. Y'really are great at makin' food. Thanks for invitin' me. Really. Not exactly somethin' that happens to me a lot."

"It's not?" asked Steve in surprise. "I'd have expected you get these invitations all the time. I'm honestly surprised by your interest in me"

"Y're cute an'funny, whats there not to like?" he asked, and then "I get invited t’ sex, or there’re those super weird people who try t’ ambush me into marrying them. S'weird. They don' usually invite me for food, m'happy 'bout this! I really enjoy it." Bucky said the last part quickly, so Steve won't think it’s a bad thing. 

Steve cringed. "I'll never understand that. You're a human. In the public eye, yes. But human all the same." He went a little red at that particular rant. "I'm sorry you went through that, though. It's not fair to you, or any of the band for that matter." He seemed to have glossed over the praise.

"See, cute, and also pretty amazing." Said Bucky with a little chuckle. He couldn't help but being amazed by this guy. Really, you didn't meet many of those when you were someone like Bucky.

"Only when I wanna be" responded Steve, who was flattered to know that Bucky liked him. "It must feel weird for people to worship you without knowing you. No offense, but I went to the concert for the music. Meeting you was an alright bonus." he winked.

Bucky snorted in amusement, but Steve wasn't wrong. "I keep my social media pretty private. My public Instagram and Twitter are really only updated with stuff that ain’t too personal. Most of my most dedicated fans wouldn' recognize me on the street without gear n’ makeup. I’m fine. I have a nice apartment, but I’m thinkin’ of gettin’ a little house somewhere a bit more outside the city to get away from th’ paparazzi." 

“Front yard? Porch?” asked Steve. “I love my place, but I’d kill for a nice front porch.”

"The whole nine yards." Bucky replied, but nodded. "Figured a lil garden, maybe some fence, y'know? To make sure I get to be just me'n whoever I invite over, like cute blonde guys." Bucky spoke innocently. He had wanted that for a while, but with the life he lived... he wasn't sure he could have that.

Steve rolled his eyes to avoid blushing. He found it embarrassing to blush, but he was pretty sure he wouldn't be able to prevent it around Bucky. "Don't you enjoy touring?" he asked curiously, for a slight subject change.

“Yeah, but I’m gettin’ real recognizable at th’ wrong moments.” Explained Bucky, because yes, when he WAS recognized things got dicy. “Not long ago, the paps figured out my apartment. I don’ really go back.” He looked a little upset, and who could blame him? "Aside from that, y'kinda miss out on shit too, y'know?" He sighed and shruged. "That house with a yard an' a porch? Probably ain't gonna happen to me, m'away too much to take care o'it." Bucky missed out on a lot of things, family, a stable home, maybe pets. At least the other's in the band had a partner to share their lives with.

Steve looked at him with concern, and considered what to say next. What was he about to do? Was he really about to say this? "I have a guest room" he said tentatively, "You're always free to make it your own. I trust you enough that I wouldn't mind. It does get lonely here on my own." He blinked at him, his blue eyes very kind and gentle 

Bucky looks surprised, genuinely shocked that Steve would offer that. He knew what Nat would say, bad idea. But... maybe just... sometimes? A little. Pretend he could have this? He just nodded mutely “Th-Thanks” For the first time, he stammered a little. They passed a few moments in thoughtful silence before Bucky spoke again. "We're usually home most of the winters, but some producer contacted me askin' if I wanted to have a part in an upcomin' movie."

"What's the movie?” asked Steve curiously, taking a bite of his steak.

"Oh, they're doin’ a remake of the Labyrinth movie. Y'know, the one with David Bowie?"

"They are?" Steve's eyes lit up. "Wait...you're playing in that movie?" he asked, eyes going wide. "Are you playing...?" No way, NO WAY! He wasn't starstruck at all, just absolutely stunned to have this little look in.

Bucky laughed and shrugged. "Haven't accepted yet. Dunno if I’ll accept, but since ya get ya panties in a twist for it, maybe I should." Bucky says with a laugh. He was honestly a lot more positive toward the movie now, if Steve got so excited about it. "It's also filmed pretty close, meanin' I could live... at home while filmin' it. I'd have to talk to the band though." He still wasn’t sure if he should say ‘live here’. It just seemed so presumptive!

The whole 'panties in a twist' thing made Steve blush. "It's up to you" he responded honestly. "I think you'd play it really well."

"Maybe... they’re looking for musicians so they have someone to write an' make the music” He explains with a smile. "Would ya come visit me on set?"

"Course I would" he responded easily. "I'd like to see you again, honestly. And not just on stage." He shrugged "If you wanted, I mean."

Bucky smiles widely. "I'd like'at too. I mean, if ya wanna.”

Steve was feeling a growing sense of curiosity toward Bucky. He was just plain INTERESTED at this point, and it seemed like Bucky was too. "Before we plan anything..." he said finally "I think there's something I should tell you. Because I don't want you finding out later. I’m hoping you know, if this is what I think it is…”

"Oh yeah?" Bucky asks curiously, "this where ya tell me y're a werewolf?" It's only half a joke really, he'd had his fair share of crazy fans tell him shit like that. It was a really good indicator that it was time to run like hell.

"No" snorted Steve. "No, this is the part where I tell you…” Say it Rogers! He should know! But in the end, he chickened out. “I'm bi." He said it in an almost defeated tone. God he was such a coward. "I want you to know now, before we get too involved. The last thing I need is you getting uncomfortable because of something I can't help. I get it if you don't want to be stuck with me but...it is what it is."

Bucky chuckled lightly at that, relieved that Steve wasn't crazy or anything. "I'd kinda guessed Stevie, I'm gay." Bucky says warmy, reaching over to take Steve's hand. "Seriously, sugar. Not put off by ya bein' bi, I promise. None of my band is gonna either."

Steve was surprised by the gesture. He looked down at where their hands were held, and then looked up at Bucky with raised eyebrows "It'd be kinda hard to like you if you were put off." he admitted "But I'm glad we can keep being...like this." He indicated, with his free hand, the finished meal and each other.

Bucky smiles at Steve in amusement "I agreed on a date y'kno. Kinda means I am interested in ya." 

Which was true. He did like Steve and he was interested in more than just friendship, maybe proper dating some day if he was lucky. "Really Stevie, thank you for this. It means a lot."

Steve was kind of excited at the confirmation of what this was. "I'm just glad you like the food" he admitted. "Oh...wait a second." He stood up, and walked into the other room, returning with Bucky's wallet and a small package. "Got ya something."

Bucky winks playfully at the date comment. Then he looks at Steve curiously, before cracking a laugh at the package and happily accepts it and the wallet. "Thanks for keepin' it safe, an' should I be worried about not gettin’ you a gift?" Asks Bucky.

“Nah” he responded easily, sitting and watching Bucky open it. It was an old book; a worn cover and yellowed pages. "It's an early edition of The Velveteen Rabbit" he said clearly. "It was my favorite book as a kid, and I thought it might be nice for you to have something on the road. With time, stuff like that becomes familiar, and reminds you of home." He toyed with his fork. "It's a kids book, so I understand if you don't like it all that much."

Bucky gazed at the book with wide eyes. He was touched, he really was. "My mama read this to me when I was a kid." He said with a soft expression on his face. "You kiddin' me? I love it!" He was gonna keep it anytime he was on the road in his bunk. Then on a nice bookshelf when at home.

Steve relaxed "Good, glad you do." he said, relieved. It had taken some finding, but he'd done it within a couple hours and with a few phone calls. He looked fondly at Bucky, who at this point was less "rock star" and more "friend"...or boyfriend? "How late are you able to stay?" he asked tentatively.

"Until ya gimme the boot!” Said Bucky with a cheeky smile. He didn’t have any plans for the closest week. Next Thursday, he was going to speak to the producers about the movie. So, he could stay as long as Steve wanted him to. “But some time, when we can get around the paps, you should come by my apartment. I trust ya, y've had my wallet for some time now. Plus y’ve got my number and no one but y've been textin' me." Bucky really did trust Steve. He wasn’t sure where that trust came from, but there they were anyhow. "Besides, I promised ya y'd get to see your pretty paintin' on my wall didn' I?" He asks cheerfully.

"That's true" responded Steve, and his smile got bigger. "Thank you for everything, Bucky. Really, all of this...means so much." He traced a shape on Bucky's arm for a moment, before remembering himself and lowering his hand.

"Me too Stevie... didn' think I'd get to feel normal again with other people but... I really do." Bucky felt normal, with Steve, he felt ordinary, and that was more than he could ever wish for. Which might seem odd, but that's how he felt

Steve looked up at him with sudden concern. "I'm sorry for everything you've been through. I can't imagine being in the spotlight like that, and...I wish I could do more."

"Y'do a whole lot. See me as a person and all that." Bucky says, nudging Steve's shoulder playfully. "How 'bout a movie and lazin’ a lil on the couch an'ya can tell me more 'bout ya art?" Bucky asks hopefully, because he wanted to know more about that part in Steve's life.

"Oh...sure!" he agreed immediately. "Only if you pick the movie, I have a bunch" There was a small sitting room with a reasonably sized TV, and he indicated the shelf with some books and a bunch of DVD's on it.

Bucky went through the quite impressive collection, then laughs as he pulls out the Labyrinth. "Awh, y'actually had the movie?" Bucky says, before putting it back and finally settling on the first Lord of the Rings movie.

"Lifelong David Bowie fan" responded Steve, going to sit on the couch. He left a little space; Bucky had the right to decide how close they sat to one another, and he wasn't going to push it.

"Oh yeah? He's real good." Says Bucky, slipping down beside Steve, close enough to wrap his arm around his shoulders and pull him a little closer. "I grew up with the movie, that's why I’m thinkin' bout doin it. But I dunno if I'd do it justice, y'kno?"

Steve settled against him, feeling a warmth rush to his cheeks as he leaned close. "I think you'd do it perfectly. You have an incredible voice." He looked up at his...date...smiling cheerfully. "I can just imagine you in leggings throwing a baby in the air" he teased.

Bucky laughs loudly at that, because he hadn't really thought about that! He'd probably have some dramatic clothes, that was true! "I'll just shove a pringles can in there an' it'll be perfect match!"

"I doubt you'd need to do that" said Steve without thinking. Immediately, he processed what he'd said and went white as a sheet, glancing up at Bucky's expression. That made him have to fight VERY hard not to burst into laughter.

Bucky just kind of stares for a moment, then breaks out into hysterical laughter because Steve had said it so quick an earnest that it was just ridiculous how little time he'd needed to come up with that retort. 

"Oh my god! Steve!" He wheezes between laughter

That was Steve's cue to start laughing too; his laugh was free and happy, and he snorted "All I'm saying is that you wear extremely tight pants, and from my angle to where you were on stage, it didn't leave much to the imagination" He looked up at Bucky with a cheeky smile on his face. "You'll have to get used to my mouth, I always come up with something stupid."

"So ya tellin me my entire fanbase is checkin' out my junk on stage?" There is still laughter in his voice, how could there not be? He found this fucking hillarious and the fact that Steve said he looked big? Flattering to say the least. "Trust me, ya mouth is fine. I say stupid shit all the time." Assures Bucky cheerfully. "This time though, ya aint wrong."

"Good to know" teased Steve lightly. "And yeah. The difference is that I was so close, it was hard to help it. And once I had a look, it was hard to look away." He was smirking, but also blushing. He couldn't do one or the other at the moment. He also was a little nervous about where this was going. SAY SOMETHING. TELL HIM. HE SHOULD KNOW.

"Mhmm, and what exactly did ya think about that huh?" Asks Bucky with a cheeky smile, leaning a little closer towards Steve. He would stop at a word, but Steve had gotten into it now, so Bucky would go along until told otherwise.

“I was wonderin’ if the stage lighting was misleading.” said Steve, his mouth dry with...with what? Excitement? Maybe fear?

Bucky hummed. “There’s jus’ one way to find out.” His voice was low, and he leaned forward. He kissed Steve sweetly, closing his eyes, and was excited when Steve responded. Bucky broke the kiss and practically GROWLED when Steve whimper in protest. Bucky reconnected the kiss and started to work his way along the twink’s jaw and toward his neck and shoulder.

Steve lost track of what was happening, shivering eagerly and excitedly. He couldn’t believe this was happening, and then...then it stopped.

“Stevie?” Bucky’s voice was soft. “Ya tank top is cuttin’ into ya shoulder.” He sounded worried.

Steve sat up straight and hastily moved the fabric back over his shoulder. He blinked back panicked tears, and immediately Bucky was worried.

“Stevie, sweetheart...I’m sorry, I didn’ mean to put you on the spot. We don’ gotta do anythin’ like that, m’not mad. I could never be mad about you sayin’ no.”

“Bucky” he whispered. “Bucky, I...I should’ve told you…” He was almost sobbing at this point. 

“S’okay Stevie, I’m here and I’m listenin'.”

“Bucky...the tank top is a binder. I’m transgender.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky reacts to Steve coming out.

The silence that fell was horrific. Steve’s vision was blurry through tears, and he hastily blinked to try to get a look at Bucky’s expression. He sniffled softly. Bucky was still partially braced over him, but he quickly moved back on the couch. The movie was still playing in the background as Bucky stared at him. The rocker’s face had gone pale and he was looking at Steve in absolute confusion, as though trying to work something out.

“B-Bucky...I’m s-so sorry, I didn’t mean…” Steve was collapsing.

“Steve. I’m sorry.”

“N-No, please!” Steve was shaking. Bucky was about to say ‘I’m sorry. I’m gay, I only like men’, and that would hurt worst of all. “You liked me before, why...why would that ch-”

“Stevie, hush. Look at me. Look into my eyes.” 

Steve looked up at him, snuffling softly. He searched Bucky’s face, and was stunned to see a small smile there. Bucky held out a hand and cupped Steve’s face. “Hey sweetheart” he said clearly. “Hey.” He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Steve’s forehead. “I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. I’m sorry you were so scared to tell me. I’m sorry if touching your binder hurt you. I’m sorry for anything I’ve said that may have upset you. But…” He shook his head. “I’m not going anywhere, Stevie.”

“B-But you’re gay!” It slipped. He knew how that sounded; Steve knew who and what he was, but there was a part of him that never felt completely...right. He felt like he was telling lies to those around him who didn’t know. And then Bucky said something that shook him to his core in the best way.

“Yeah.” Bucky responded. “And you’re a man.”

Steve felt more tears coming, and Bucky’s hands now lay gently on Steve’s arms. He slid his fingers up and down, gazing at Steve with sympathy and affection. “I have you now, Stevie. This doesn’t change a damn thing.” His hands slipped up to wipe at Steve’s eyes. “You’re damn handsome, y’know?”

Steve nodded, blinking rapidly. “I like to think so.” He was trying to be snarky, but it came out choked. He scooted back and didn’t hesitate. He carefully removed his shirt, showing the black tank top binder, which was in terrible shape after years of use. He looked down at himself, noting the slight bump on his chest that was well compressed. It brought such an upwelling of shame to him, 

Bucky tilted his head, looking at Steve with a fond smile. He leaned forward to kiss Steve properly. “You’re manly as hell, Stevie. I’m so fuckin’ glad I know ya.”

Steve scooted forward after the kiss to curl against Bucky’s body. Bucky, minding Steve’s chest, wrapped his arms around the smaller man and said softly “The band name ‘Talk is Cheap’ came from a shitton o’ people who were just talkin’. They never did anythin’ to improve their lives, they jus’ talked an’ talked about how much better life could be. And look at ya...working to make your life better. And my life is better cause you’re in it. Remember that Stevie. Don’t you forget that.”

Steve took a few more deep breaths and pulled away. He looked at Bucky with something worried on his face. He carefully reached down and slowly pulled the binder off. It took him a moment; the thing was tight, and where the edges had been left red marks that drove Bucky insane to see. He hated seeing that evidence of pain on Steve's body.

Steve looked at Bucky, chewing his lip. Bucky grinned and said "Y'got nice pecs, Stevie. Look like a bodybuilder."

Steve started to laugh. He laughed and cried, and Bucky asked carefully "Can I hold ya again?"

The artist nodded and shifted over, letting Bucky put his arms around him. "Thank you" he breathed. "Thank you, Bucky."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky holds Steve for a while. They decide on a little bit of travel, and discuss what they want from each others.

Steve didn’t know how long they were there. He was aware of the rocker’s strong arms around him, of the rough fingertips tracing patterns on his arms and down to his abdomen. Steve found himself not being all that self-conscious of his clearly visible ribs and his slightly wide hips, which really stood out when he wasn’t wearing his shirt. He found that he didn’t care how pale he was, and the way his tattoos extended along his back but not his chest. He turned properly in Bucky’s arms, and leaned up to kiss him.

Bucky enjoyed every moment holding Steve. He was careful not to touch the punk’s chest; to stay well away from it. He didn’t want to upset Steve ever again. He was already considering how to help; a rush order on a few new binders to start. Maybe...maybe he could do something else. Maybe….

“You should come with us.” said Bucky clearly when the kiss broke.

“W-What?” Steve looked up at him, startled. Bucky was looking at him earnestly, and Steve sat up enough looked the rocker in the eye. “Come with you?”

“Yeah. We’re going on tour in a couple weeks. You should come with us!” His eyes brightened. “It’d be great. You’ll have a hotel room to y’self, you c;n hang out backstage or watch the concerts from up front. We c’n spend time together, really get to know each other. We can...we can talk about getting you new binders, y’know? Maybe ones that fit better so it doesn’t leave these marks…” He traced the red lines along the other man’s sides.

“They always leave marks, Bucky.” Steve was trying to process the offer he’d just been given. Trying to understand that this was GENUINE, he was actually being asked to do this!

“Yeah...but maybe we could make ‘em a little less painful. They could bind a lil better, that looks pretty old. If it’d help you feel safer...I’ll do it. Stevie…” He pressed their foreheads together. “You don’ have to come. It won’t change how I feel ‘bout you. But if you wanna come, y’d be welcome. The band won’ give a damn that y’re trans, an’ you could see across the country.”

“M-My job…”

Bucky nodded. “Y’re allowed to say no, Stevie. I’d never make ya say yes.” He obviously meant in more ways than one.

Steve bit his lower lip, and then said “I’ll come.” His eyes lit up as he realized he’d just given himself permission to be happy. To do something for himself, to be his own person. “Of course I’ll come Buck, of course I will!”

Bucky laughed, and almost hugged Steve but stopped himself. It’d mean pressing Steve’s chest against him, and they didn’t need to do that. Instead, Bucky rested his hands on Steve’s shoulders and pressed their foreheads together. “Honey, d’you wanna put your binder back on? D’you need help?” His voice was almost unbearably soft.

Steve nodded, pulling back and abruptly feeling self-conscious. Bucky leaned down and picked up the discarded binder. “Turn around sweetheart” He said clearly.

Steve turned on the couch so his back was to Bucky. 

“Arms up” Making sure the binder wasn’t inside-out, Bucky pulled it carefully over Steve. He made sure to move around Steve’s chest, rather than going over it. When it was low enough for Steve to finish, Bucky let go and scooted back. Once it was on properly, Bucky smiled as Steve turned to face him. “You’re handsome as fuck.” He commented calmly.

Steve leaned forward and kissed him. Again he said “Thank you, Bucky. I’m sorry I couldn’t...maybe someday, maybe even soon but…”

“Stevie, I don’t care if it’s never” responded Bucky. “Really, I don’t give a shit. I just...want you to be happy. That’s all I want for you.”

Steve scooted into his lap again and curled up while Bucky held him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Bucky experience the short aftermath of coming out, before they're rudely interrupted by a consistent problem in Steve's life...and it's not what you think. It's a person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The response has been better than I could have expected! Thank you so much for all your wonderful comments! I'm going to start trying to respond from ones posted from here-on out!

Bucky was lost in thought as he held Steve. Steve’s back was against Bucky’s chest, and the rocker was partially reclined. He was kinda devastated by the events of the past hour. Seeing Steve in tears...he had never wanted that. Ever. Bucky knew logically he couldn’t have known that the tank top was a binder; he’d had no suspicion that Steve was trans! He mentally chided himself.

‘Come on now Barnes. Y’ can’t pick every trans person out of a line up. In fact, ya almost never can! Don’ think bullshit like’at. You don’ have a suspicion, you are TRUSTED with it.’

His big regret was that it hadn’t exactly been trust that led Steve to tell him; Steve had essentially been forced to by a brief makeout session. Bucky winced. He hadn’t meant to pressure Steve, but he needed to pay more attention. 

‘You’re used to people wanting to jump on your dick Barnes, but Stevie’s obviously different. It’s time t’ stop assuming things ‘bout him. He’s weird and different in the best way. Y’ don’t want someone normal’

And that was the damn truth. He looked down at where Steve was rested against him, and noticed that the amazing young man was asleep. He sighed heavily. He’d have to wake Steve up and leave, because he knew you weren’t supposed to sleep in binders, and wasn’t going to stick around and make Steve uncomfortable. He didn’t WANT to wake Steve, but he knew he’d need to soon. He’d read somewhere that if you kept your binder on while you slept, it could fuck up your breathing or even hurt your ribs. Bucky closed his own eyes and muttered “Fuck” before gently sitting up properly and bringing Steve with him. “Stevie?” he said softly. “Heya Stevie, ya gotta wake up. Y’can’t sleep in your binder.”

Steve blinked, clearly confused at where he was. For a moment as he shifted to look at Bucky, he didn’t remember what had happened. But then he blushed and looked down at the ratty binder. He was embarrassed by the state of this life-saving garment, and looked it.

“Stevie? We’ll handle it. Together.” Bucky smiled fondly. “I’m gonna leave, yeah? I’ll head back to my apartment and uh...that way you can get some sleep.” He made to stand, but Steve grabbed his hand. Bucky sat immediately, not pulling away and looking at Steve quizzically. “Y’need somethin’ sweetheart? Jus’ tell me what.”

“You said there were people staking out your place. You could...stay here for a while?”

“Stevie..y’deserve privacy here. I know y’don’t wanna...wear that all the time I’m here.” Bucky sounded worried.

“I...I don’t like my chest. But I don’t mind wearing shirts without my binder around you...as long as you don’t tell anyone what I am.”

“You mean a man?” asked Bucky with a soft smile. “I won’t tell anyone that yer self-made. But I am proud to know you, honey.” He looked down and said clearly “I’m jus’ sorry you got so scared.”

“It’s not your fault, Bucky. I should’ve told you sooner…”

“No!” said Bucky quickly. “You don’t gotta tell me anything. Ever. It should’ve been your decision when, and where, and how. This wasn’t fair t’you.”

Steve looked at him searchingly, and then lurched forward and kissed Bucky. It was a frantic, desperate kiss that caught the musician off guard. Immediately, Bucky responded, pulling back enough to say “Stevie, Stevie wait…”

The punk looked at him searchingly. Fearing rejection, fearing everything was about to be taken back now that Steve was initiating.

“I need t’know what y’want from me Stevie. I don’ wanna hurt you again…” Bucky was desperate to know what came next, what Steve wanted, his thoughts and his wishes.

“I want...I want you, Bucky.” Steve’s blue eyes were downcast now. “But I do understand if you don’t want-”

“Stevie, I guessed” he was smiling “But before we...do something like that, we need to talk about what you’re comfortable with. I need to know specifics. Because the last thing I wanna do is fuck up this experience for us. Is make you feel worse about being the man you are. I don’t ever wanna make you cry again….oh shit Stevie, don’t cry!”

Because Steve’s lower lip was wobbling and he quickly wiped his eyes. “I’ve never had someone say that to me before. They’re happy tears, Bucky. They’re grateful tears.” Steve knew he would never, EVER forget this moment with this tough guy rocker wiping his tears away.

And then it ended at a knock on the door. 

“What the hell?” muttered Bucky, who’d been having a damn nice time just sitting with Steve.

Steve was so furious that his evening was being interupted. He blew out a sharp breath. "Excuse me a moment" He muttered, and as he went to the door, he reached into the hall closet and pulled out a baseball bat. 

Bucky got up too, looking concerned as he followed Steve. His worry increased when the punk pulled out a baseball bat. "Anything I should know?" Bucky asked, taking out a taser and trading it for the baseball bat. Strengthwise, Bucky was probably the one who could swing the bat hardest. "Just press the red one an’ keep it from ya body."

"Y'know how I said I was bisexual?" Steve looked over at Bucky. "Some men can't take a hint." He opened the door right before it was knocked on again and said curtly "You need to leave me alone." 

It was the same guy from the exhibit, who seemed upset, but looked a little startled at the sight of the taser and Bucky holding a baseball bat.

Bucky leaned against said bat and smiled dangerously at the guy. "Seriously would consider that. Stevie ain't interested in ya an' I seriously don' like that ya keep harassin' my boy."  
They had pretended to be together the other day, so it only made sense they'd keep that up now that they kinda were. Aside from that, hopefully THIS would get the asshole to walk away.

The guy stammered a little. He was shorter than Bucky, and between the taser and the bat, he definitely didn't stand a chance. Steve spoke up. "You're just being a creep at this point. Leave. Me. Alone."

“Does he even know about your past?” blurted out Axel. “I know your past, I accept you for it! I’ll bet he doesn’t!”

Bucky could’ve hit him with the bat RIGHT THEN, but instead he said cooly. “He jus’ told me, but frankly, it’s none of your business. S’not about accepting, it’s not about bein’ there in spite o’ shit. It’s about caring for him for who he is, not for his past.”

Steve looked gratefully at Bucky, and then turned sharp eyes to Axel. “This isn’t about you. I have a boyfriend now, and I want dick all to do with you” Steve narrowed his eyes at the stunned looking man. “Come back, and I’ll get you in the junk with this thing.” He slammed the door and locked it.

Steve groaned and scrubbed his hands over his face. “Asshole” he mumbled.

"How long has he been stalkin' ya for?" Bucky asked, curious and a bit worried about Steve's wellbeing. "Would he take it further? I mean, if ya feel unsafe...?"

"I can handle it" responded Steve, passing back the taser and extending a hand for the bat. "He probably would take it further, but I'm not too worried. I can hit harder than it looks." He smiled at Bucky as though he didn't much care. "I wish you hadn't seen that, by the way. He got interested in me a while ago at one of my exhibits. He's nice enough...just not what I want in my life."

"If ya ever do feel unsafe at home though, Stevie, ya got my phone number. Just gimme a call any time y’ need me.”

It was the least he could do; after all, Steve had offered his home to Bucky. It only made sense that Bucky gave something in turn.

"I...thanks" Steve relented, deciding not to fight back on that kindness. Then there was the fact that he liked Bucky; liked him a lot, really, and there was no need to deny anything like this. "I'll keep it secret and safe" he promised with a wink. 

“So...boyfriend. Did ya mean that? Cause I feel like I should take ya out sometime if so. I’m sure I could figure out something fun to do. I dunno, have you ever been dancing?”

“Dancing?” asked Steve, who had stars in his eyes at this point. “You’ll take me dancing?”

“Course I will Stevie. I’ll do anything y’wanna.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The date comes to a close, but things go badly wrong when Bucky goes to Clint and Natasha's to tell them about the date...

The date had to end shortly after. Both of them were pretty reluctant, but they knew they couldn’t spend every waking moment together. It was weird; they’d known each other such a short time but this already felt like something real. Bucky had just put his shoes back on and was now standing at the door. “Y’ should keep the jacket” he said firmly, as Steve went to hand it to him. “I mean it. Looks damn nice on ya.”

Steve looked down at it and smiled a little bit. “Bucky...be safe” he said softly. “I kinda wanna see you again” He was grinning. He tapped his foot anxiously, as though on the verge of saying something, but not sure how to go about it. Bucky wondered what was going through the punk’s head, and carefully tipped his head back. He was slow and gentle about it, making sure that Steve could pull away if he wanted.

He didn’t.

Bucky leaned down and kissed him, soft and sweet. “I’ll text you, alright? Lock the door as soon as I’m gone, and call me if anything comes up...especially if he comes back. Alright?” Bucky was genuinely worried about that asshole...Axel, right? Yeah, that was right. Steve had even said the guy might take it further. Bucky would do everything to prevent that.

Steve’s eyes were still closed when the kiss broke. He looked so at peace, and nodded. He actually felt amazing right now. It wasn’t because he was on a date with a rocker...it was because he was finishing up a date with THIS PARTICULAR rocker. With Bucky Barnes, who didn’t care that he was trans, who had complimented his cooking and was an amazing musician and just overall a great guy. “Alright. I’ll call you if anything goes wrong, and I’ll text you about tour...if you still wanted me to go?”

“Course I do Stevie!” He was grinning as he released his date and backed toward the door. Unable to result, he stepped forward for another kiss. “A’right, it’s real late, I should go. But uh...I’ll text ya, I promise…”

“Bye Buck” Steve practically had heart eyes as the rocker left. Standing in the doorway, he made sure Bucky got to his car, and then stepped in and locked the door. He burst out laughing. YES! YES!” He took off his shirt and binder and ran to the mirror, flexing as well as he could. PECS. Bucky had called them PECS and that was great. Now, they didn’t look like it, but maybe if he thought of them that way…

The dysphoria was still killer, and having someone like him wasn’t going to change that! It was never that easy. But being built up like that had felt damn good, and was a high he’d be riding for a long while!

Meanwhile, back at Clint and Natasha’s place, the two were hanging out.

"I'm telling you" Natasha was saying to Clint "This one is different. He's into him for real, practically in love. I can tell. And I don't know if it'll end well. Our lives are so fucking complicated, we're constantly on the move. There's...not much we can do to stop him. We just have to be ready for his heart to be broken."

“I dunno, the guy seems sweet” said Clint optimistically. “Think about it. Bucky’s always been a good judge of character! This might be something real.”

They heard the door unlock and Natasha called “Hey James! How was it?” She waved her hand at Clint to indicate they’d discuss this later.

Bucky came sailing into the room, giddy with happiness. “It was great! It was GREAT! He trusted me with so much and we talked, and DAMN he c’n cook and there’s this ASSHOLE stalkin’ him tha’ we scared off. He’s the bravest guy I’ve ever known! He’s gonna come with us on tour, and travel with us!” Bucky had been so excited he hadn’t even thought to ask the band. He figured they’d be okay with it.

Natasha, midway through a drink of beer, sprayed it everywhere and coughed. Clint patted her back, but was looking at Bucky in shock. With beer dribbling down her front, Natasha stared at him “James...what!? You invited him? YOU JUST MET!”

Bucky looked like she’d hit him. “Nat…”

“Bucky.” She sounded more levelheaded as she stood up. “Do you...hear yourself? Our lives...this won’t be simple. We’re constantly on the road. You’d be supporting him, he couldn’t work. You two would be stuck in a cramped space together all the time, is that really what-”

“What d’you want me to do Nat?!” burst out Bucky. “What, I give up on dating? S’not like I can date anyone in the band, all of you have paired up. And even if any of ya were single, I wouldn’t feel that way. And now I’ve got someone I actually like, and he’s trustin’ me and he likes me too-”

“HE’S A FAN! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND!? He’s a FAN, and they’re GOOD at this stuff!”

“SHUT UP!” exploded Bucky. “YOU DON’T KNOW HIM NATASHA!”

Clint’s lower lip was wobbling, but neither of the other two noticed.

“I know you, James. You’re going to get your heart broken, and that’s the bottom line.”

“WILL BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP!” shouted Clint, getting to his feet. “YOU’RE BOTH IDIOTS. Natasha...how long have you two been friends? TRUST him, damn you. JUST TRUST HIM.” And then Clint turned his tear-filled eyes to Bucky. “And YOU. You need to understand that WE” he glared at Nat “will support you, but the reality is that relationships are tricky in the best of situations. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. NATASHA. GO TO BED! I’m going to talk to our FRIEND for a moment.”

Glowering at his partner, Clint brooked no nonsense. Natasha stormed off to their room in a huff.

Bucky hadn’t realized Clint was crying until he started shouting, and was mortified. He held up his hands placatingly. “M’sorry, Clint. I…”

“You’re both being dumb. You’re naive, and she’s jaded. Sit down.”

Bucky obeyed, sitting immediately. It was so rare to see Clint worked up. Clint sat beside him, and held Bucky’s hand. “He told you something” he guessed. “Something that makes you know how serious this is. Something you can’t tell us.”

Bucky nodded, looking at Clint. “I can’t tell anyone” he said quietly. “He trusted me. I can’t even begin to explain to Natasha how significant it was…”

Clint took a deep breath. “I’ll talk to her, and just explain that we need to trust you. She’s upset because she doesn’t want to see you hurt. If she had her way, she’d check over any potential partners of yours. She’ll come around.” He squeezed Bucky’s hand. “You should stay here tonight. It’s late, and I’ll bet they’re still staking out your place.”

Bucky nodded “Thanks Clint.” He said softly. “I appreciate this. I’m sorry about…” He sighed, and used the hem of his shirt to wipe at Clint’s cheeks. “I’m just sorry.” 

“You’re both assholes” said Clint fondly. “Just...stop being assholes to each other.”

Smiling sadly, Bucky nodded, and flopped back on the couch as soon as Clint was gone. He had a lot to think about.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky has some thoughts he HAS to repress out of respect for Steve. He asks Steve out to dinner at a fancy place, and has a heart-to-heart with Natasha.

Steve lay awake for a long time. He was in bed in a t-shirt and boxers, his blonde hair slightly ruffled from tossing and turning. He didn’t really want to sleep when he had so much on his mind. At the same time, he was completely exhausted. That date...that little dinner, and the heart to heart they’d had...it was a miracle. Bucky was his miracle, and they’d just met! It was about 4 am when he gave up on sleeping and texted Bucky. He spent a while thinking of the message he wanted to send, taking his time. Steve didn’t want to come on too strong when they were already all over each other, so he texted a quick thing.

‘Hey Bucky, I hope this doesn’t wake you up. I personally can’t sleep. Can’t stop thinking about what you said to me, how you called me tits ‘pecs’. That meant a lot. Everything that happened tonight meant a lot. I hope I can see you again soon. -Steve’

Bucky rolled over in bed when he heard the phone chime. It was the distinct ringtone he’d set up for Steve, so he knew exactly who it was as he patted around his nightstand for it. A particular move sent the phone skidding across the end table and to the floor. Bucky groaned in panic and stumbled out of bed. He flipped on the light and hissed as it blinded him, finally grabbing his cell and checking the text. When his eyes snapped into focus enough to read, he actually smiled pretty big and didn’t need to think long about what to say.

‘Stevie! Like I said, they’re nice pecs. You’re a handsome guy, that’s for sure. Feel lucky to get to do some smooching with you. Was wondering if we could grab dinner some time...before we get on a flight. I’d like you to meet my friends the right way too.

Steve had gotten up to make himself a pot of coffee; he could sleep pretty easily despite the caffeine, and anyway, right now he didn’t want to sleep. Brushing some of his now-messy blonde hair out of his eyes, he grabbed his phone as soon as it chimed and checked the message. He beamed as he responded

‘The band? I’d love to get to know them better, as more than a fan. Can I see you tomorrow?’

‘Tomorrow would be great. Dinner first, then my friends, alright? They need to know you, y’know? Dress nice! I’m going to take you to Beauty and Essex. No arguments! My treat.’

Steve’s eyes widened, and he stared at the screen in shock. Jesus, that was a fancy place. Did he even have anything that nice? The punk moved to his closet as he texted. He needed to see what he could wear! Something to cover his tattoos at a place like that!

‘I don’t know that I have anything to fit that place, but I’ll try.” Indeed, as he rifled through his closet he could see very few options for himself. He sent a second text ‘Is it as fancy as I hear?’

‘More fancy than that. Listen, I’ll bring something for you. I’ll come around 5 tomorrow with a set of clothes I hope you’ll like. Trust me?’

Steve could answer honestly, so he did. ‘Of course I do. I’ll see you tomorrow...or, today!’

‘See ya Stevie.’

Bucky knew he had a lot to do now! It was still pretty fucking early, and normally the rocker was a late sleeper, but he had shit to do today! He practically ran to the shower to shower, shave, and brush his teeth. He stepped under the hot water, letting it run over his tense muscles and closing his eyes. Unbidden, he had a memory of his lips pressed to Steve’s skin, doing his damndest to leave little marks.

Bucky’s eyes opened and he yelped as water streamed into them. Swearing, he knuckled at his face “STOP IT!” he ordered himself. “Stop it. Now.” He sighed as he started to shampoo his hair, which he always took meticulous care of, running his fingers through it and…

Steve’s fingers, running through his hair, pulling it while Bucky moaned. The water splashing over their bodies as Bucky pinned his lover against the wall. The whimpering coming from the smaller man’s throat was indecent and beautiful, and Bucky ran his thumbs along the thin scars across Steve’s chest. “Bucky…”   
“Yeah baby? You okay?”  
“More...please! Please more!”  
“Yeah?” Bucky’s voice was cocky as he leaned in and-

“Stoppit.” Bucky let the water wash the suds from his hair. “Tha’s not right, tha’s not...right. You need t’ talk to him first.” Bucky shook his head as he used the washcloth to clean his body now. “You know damn well it’s not your place to think like ‘at.”

Finally, getting out of the shower, Bucky went to look at the mirror. “Idiot” he muttered as he smeared shaving cream all over his cheeks and chin. “Take it easy, ya just met and yer already goin’ quick.”

“James?” A clear voice came from outside of the door. The razor slipped against his jaw and he dropped it, blood drops spattering the sink. Grabbing a wad of toilet paper, he pressed it to the thin cut. “Just a sec!” he called. Christ, now he had to go face Nat and get yelled at some more. He finished shaving, stuck a bandaid on the shaving cut, wrapped a towel around his waist, and left the bathroom. He saw Natasha and Clint at the kitchen table, and stood warily in the doorway. “What’s up?” he asked in a voice of forced calm. 

“James...I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry.” The woman spoke clearly as she looked at him, noting the shock on his face. “I worry about you. Last time this happened-”

“I know, Nat. I was there” said Bucky bitterly.

“Yes...and that’s why I’m so worried. But I need to learn to trust you. I need to learn to believe that you’re doing what’s best for you. And I’m sorry.”

Clint bit his lip as he watched Bucky go through what looked like the five stages of grief.

“Yeah, I’m sorry too.” said Bucky quietly. “Shouldn’ta yelled. You were tryin’ t’ help. But uh...I’m glad we c’n be okay. And anyway, I’ll bet ya like him. He’s a good guy. I’m takin’ him to Beauty and Essex tonight, and after that I thought we c’n all meet up for drinks.”

Natasha nodded "It'd be nice to get to know him properly. Who knows...maybe you'll have some competition." She winked, and Clint swatted at her playfully.

Bucky was relieved. It was nice to be...mostly....back to normal.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve prepares for his first real date with Bucky, while Bucky gets what he needs to make Steve feel like the man he is: a suit.

Steve paced anxiously in his home. He’d gone on a cleaning spree that day, dusting and washing windows, vacuuming and cleaning out the fridge. He even arranged his colorful magnets to be more pleasant. He paused as his fingers traced over an empty space. He went into his sparse silverware drawer (no need for a bunch extra, so he had 4 of each) and took a magnet from under the organizer. He clipped it up next to a rainbow one and one patterned with the bisexual flag. The once-hidden magnet (done so to avoid Bucky knowing before Steve was ready) was of a trans flag. He smiled as he touched it, and then went to take a nap. He needed one before going to fucking Beauty and Essex. God that place was FANCY, and apparently Bucky was going to bring him clothing.

Now, Steve didn’t grow a beard. Even after a few years on and off testosterone, he didn’t grow more than a few sparse blond patches, so he shaved. One day maybe he’d grow a beard, but at the moment, even if he could, he wanted to be clean-shaven. He had stared at himself in the mirror for a good hour before tugging on a set of boxers, covering the actual rose tat on his ass (no, that hadn’t been a joke) and then going to pull on his binder and an old robe. He felt a little odd about just pacing in the robe and undergarments, but he probably shouldn’t get dressed only to change into whatever Bucky brought.

Bucky, meanwhile, had gone SHOPPING. He made sure to wear some innocuous clothes; stuff to cover his trademark tattoos, and his hair in a high bun instead of its typical loose locks that were so distinctive on stage. He wandered through a shopping mall, his makeup done to accent unusual parts of his features, muting his cheekbones and his stubble completely shaved for once. He wasn’t exactly sure what to get for Steve, but thought blue and white might look good with his boyfriend’s(?) eyes. He headed into a suit store, looking through what would make Steve’s chest the lead obvious, including a jacket that flared to disguise his hips. Bucky had looked into being gender non-conforming (now that was a 10 dollar word, at least in the unfamiliar mind of Bucky) and apparently hips, thighs, and chest were the most dysphoria inducing. He’d had to Google ‘dysphoria’ too, because he knew that trans people were uncomfortable in their body, but not at all about the terminology. He ran his fingers along different shirts and some fancy ties. In the end, he settled on a dark blue shirt and a black tie with light blue and white swirls on it. The swirls looked a little bit like paints swished together, and had an overall very nice effect. Steve had unfortunately had to text his measurements with the binder on (which probably made him uncomfortable, especially around the chest and thighs) but it made this a lot easier. The pants Bucky picked out were a nice shade of black, and he went with simple formal shoes and a silver-buckled belt to complete the look. The suit jacket matched the pants. Yes, it cost a pretty penny, but Bucky didn’t care; he had “fuck you” money at this point. He wasn’t RICH or anything, but he didn’t need to be too careful with his cash in cases like this. Putting everything down on the counter, he considered roving the mall to try to find a binder, but he’d looked into that too. The chances of finding one offline...weren’t great. He’d put in a rush order for a couple new ones tonight.

As he left the mall, he paused outside of a beauty shop. Eyebrows furrowed, he stepped over the threshold, trying to figure out if there was anything his boyfriend could use. He hovered by the perfumes, wondering if there was cologne anywhere. He was just about to ask someone for help when he spotted a tiny display. Christ, no wonder he’d almost missed it. Approaching, he took careful sniffs of each one, and settled on something subtle but masculine; sandalwood, cinnamon, and something like rain that Bucky couldn’t EXACTLY pinpoint. He bought it on the spot, hoping Steve would like it, along with a set of stud earrings that would go well with the suit. He then stopped by one of those novelty clothing places and picked out a fun pair of socks, just for the hell of it. With all that, he headed to his own apartment. Thank God the paps weren’t there at the moment. He hastily showered again, put on his own cologne, got dressed, put his hair up more intricately, and headed to his car. It was a simple thing; a four-door Prius with a custom plate that said ‘pnkrocc’ and a KISS statue in the style of the dancing hula girls on his dash. 

It was nearly time. Pulling into Steve’s drive, he was INCREDIBLY nervous, and it probably showed. He’d ironed the suit and taken off the price tags at his own place so as not to trigger any guilt in Steve. The earrings he’d put carefully in a little draw-string bag he had impulse bought for random gifts that he’d never given. The cologne was in the fancy bag it had come in. Bucky took a deep breath, straightened his black tie and scarlet shirt, and headed up to the door. He rang the bell, which chimed playfully throughout the house. 

Steve looked up from where he was sipping his coffee, setting the mug aside and hastening to the front door. He unlocked it and quickly opened it to see Bucky standing there. He noted the way Bucky’s face lit up, and Steve’s heart melted. “Hey Buck! C’mon in!” he said quickly, stepping back. 

Bucky immediately crossed the threshold, and as Steve closed and locked the door behind him, the rocker was practically bouncing with excitement as he held everything out. “Hope you like it!” he said cheerfully. “If ya don’t, I can run out and grab more, shouldn’t take me more than an hour and I can push back our reservation.”

Steve stared with wide eyes at everything, accepting it with a shy smile. “Th-Thank you, seriously. Thank you. I’ll um...go try everything on. Give me a few minutes.” He hurried off to his bedroom, trying not to be too overwhelmed with the situation. He lay everything out on his neatly made bed, looking at each item. It was all EXACTLY to his taste, including the earrings, which were CLEARLY real silver. Jesus, he didn’t need Bucky spending all this money on him. He’d have to say that very firmly, because he was INCREDIBLY grateful, but he liked Bucky for Bucky...not as some kind of sugar daddy. 

He started to dress, buttoning the shirt, tucking it into the pants, belting it. He was amazed at how well the shirt fit and how well it and the pants hid his curves. He smoothed it out needlessly; there were no wrinkles, no sign of stress. It was all brand new, and Bucky must’ve washed and pressed it already. He put in the earrings and put on the jacket, and then took a whiff of the cologne. It was INCREDIBLE. He’d never found anything he liked in his price range. God, as he spritzed a little on, he felt like a new man. Steve put on a pair of jellyfish patterned socks that were kooky and to his taste. The shoes next. He then looked at the tie. He didn’t want to do this wrong, or sloppily. The slender man draped it around his neck and came out anxiously, meeting Bucky’s eye. 

Bucky had been standing idly in the hall, wondering how Steve would find all his choices. They had plenty of time before the reservation, so Bucky wasn’t too worried about that. He WAS worried about Steve liking how he looked. Bucky heard someone coming, and turned quickly to look. His eyes widened. He could see that Steve was smiling, but also nervous, and DAMN he looked good. Bucky broke into a look of amazed joy. 

“Y’look GORGEOUS Stevie...like a new man. Wait a sec…” He came over, carefully adjusting Steve’s hair, straightening his shirt, and just in general smiling approvingly. “Y’re so damn gorgeous” he repeated, and then tilted his head. “C’n I help with ya tie?”

Steve, who was red with happy embarrassment, nodded mutely. He watched carefully as Bucky showed him how to make sure a tie would be even the first try, and how to keep the knot looking neat and put together. Bucky beamed as he watched Steve do it, and get it just right on the third try.

“I...I got it?” Steve was almost confused, like a question. He’d been a little worried after the first two times, but Bucky had just exclaimed in excitement. “Does it look-”

“It looks GREAT Stevie. Jesus, looks fantastic. I never got it that good when I was startin’. S’amazin’, y’did beautifully.” Bucky paused, and tilted his head “C’n I...c’n I kiss ya again?” He rubbed the back of his neck nervously. God, he was experienced, this wasn’t NEW for him. He was used to kissing, to sex, to ass-grabbing. This was different because this man who he’d known for only a short time...he was somehow important in ways that Bucky couldn’t pinpoint. 

Steve was astounded by the level of respect he was being shown; the kindness, the softness. Instead of answering, he pulled Bucky down and kissed him. The kiss was deep and loving and sweet. He put a lot of feeling and thought into that kiss. His fingers toyed with the downy wisps of hair at the base of Bucky’s neck, and he smiled fondly as the kiss broke.

Bucky’s eyes stayed closed, lips parted, for a long moment after the kiss broke. Then...he smiled in return. “A’right, we should um...we should get goin’...” He was flushed with embarrassment and joy. “I uh...got ya somethin’ at Essex.”

Bucky took his hand and together they went out to the vehicle. Amazingly, and like a true gentleman, Bucky opened the passenger door for him.

They were off. It was time for their first real date.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of Bucky and Steve's date at the restaurant. Steve gets a little jealous. Bucky has brought him a sentimental gift, and has good news.

Getting to Beauty and Essex took a little bit, but not so long that the car ride got uncomfortable. In fact, Steve was starting to suspect that this would never be uncomfortable. Chatting seemed to come naturally to them, especially when Bucky started a conversation exactly like this:

“D’you believe in aliens?” Bucky was looking out the front window as he drove, and Steve took in the angles of his features (they looked different somehow...makeup maybe?) and snapped out of it as he realized a question had been asked. Bucky had glanced at him to make sure he was okay, and poked out his pierced tongue in amusement at the dazed look on his date’s face.

“I...er…” God, that PIERCING… “Oh, I mean, yeah! The infinity of space, I figure it’s arrogant to assume we’re alone. Chances are, anything close is single celled or very basic multicellular ones. I can’t see anything being very close that’s sentient in the same way we are…we’d have known about them by now, right?”

“Maybe!” and then Bucky elaborated “I mean, maybe they’ve noticed we ain’t too good to people outside th’ norm. I’d stay away too if I were them.” He glanced over at Steve again. “Y’know I won’t let people say shit bad t’you, right?”

“I guessed. Back at ya. It’s a two way street y’know?” Steve was smiling, carefully straightening his tie. He wanted it to be perfect when they walked into the restaurant. “So…” He looked a touch anxious. “Why Beauty and Essex? I mean...seems really special for a first date out.”

Bucky chuckled, though he looked a little nervous himself. “I mean...y’re special, Stevie. And I’d like it if we could...remember this well. I really wanna keep doing this. I like ya, Stevie. Not saying we’re gonna get married, y’know? We jus’ met. But I like t’ think we c’n go somewhere, and I wanna start it nice.”

Steve seemed confused by this, but they were here now, so together they got out of the car for the valet. Bucky handed over his keys and joked “Do me a favor, and don’t kiss Gene Simmons, a’right?”

The valet seemed confused and looked inside the car, expecting a dog or maybe the actual guy from KISS. Instead, he stifled a laugh, trying to remain professional at the sight of the bobblehead on the dash.

“Aw c’mon, tha’ was funny. Gimme a real laugh, promise I won’t tell ya boss, unless I catch smooch marks on my guy...and I don’t mean my date, though you’ll be in trouble for that too.”

This time the valet openly guffawed as he got into the car to find a spot for it.

Bucky extended his arm to Steve, who took it, and together they walked in. Steve had never been in such a fancy place, and was immediately even more grateful than before for the suit. He glanced up at Bucky as the rocker approached the hostess podium and gave his name, showing his ID. The woman had a flash of recognition on her face before she smoothed her expression out into a look of calm. “Yes of course. We have you seated right over here, if you wouldn’t mind following me…” 

She led the way, and the two men followed. Steve was kind of waiting for the rocker to pull his arm back, as he was pretty sure the public didn’t know Bucky was gay...or at least, it wasn’t common knowledge. Nope. Bucky only released Steve to pull out his chair for him. Steve was, admittedly, a little overwhelmed. And then he sat Bucky take something out of his pocket. The box was flat and tiny, about an inch across, and Bucky passed it over to him. “Thought y’might like this. Do me a favor and don’t pawn it.” The last part was a tease. Steve opened the box and…

“B-Bucky…?”

“S’the guitar pick I used, the one I didn’t throw at ya, the night of the concert. Drilled a hole through it, put it on a chain. Thought y’might like a reminder of that night. S’that okay?”

“I could kiss you right now” admitted the other man, a broad smile on his face “Let me just…” Careful not to mess up his tie, he took the pick on its chain out of the box and clipped the hook into place so it hung around his neck “How’s it look?”

“Gorgeous” replied Bucky fondly. “Makes me smile. Glad y’like it. Just you wait til’ I get ya enough flowers t’fill a greenhouse. Cause that’s comin’.”

Steve, smiling almost shyly, eventually looked at the menu. The wine listing...well, he didn’t really know what he was doing. And the prices on the food...he couldn’t afford this! 

Bucky seemed to read his thoughts. “Honey, I asked you here. I’m buyin’, a’right?” He smiled reassuringly. “D’you drink? I can hold my alcohol well, so a glass won’t make me fuzzy, but I won’t drink if it makes ya uncomfy.”

Steve rubbed the back of his neck a little nervously. “I like a glass of wine now and then, but um...don’t really know what to order at a place like this. Usually I just run to the aisle at the store and grab what’s cheapest.”

Bucky didn’t judge him; not even close. “A’right, well doll, lemme help ya. Got a couple questions.” So Bucky ran through what’d help him figure out Steve’s preferences, asking clarifying questions about the sweetness and the strength of flavor, and if Steve wanted a little alcohol or a lot. On that last point, Steve said a little. He was too slim to handle more.

Bucky ordered with a great deal of confidence, not hesitating as the waitress asked a few more questions about quantity, and gave the suggested wines for their most popular dishes. Steve adjusted his glasses, nodding along and pretending he understood when he absolutely didn’t; he’d never felt less cultured, but when the waitress left, Bucky smiled reassuringly. “I only know the details cause my gramps kept a wine collection. His pa did, so it’s kinda a family thing until me. I’m a music man instead of a wine man, but I still know my stuff.”

Steve tilted his head in a very characteristic way, adjusting his glasses similarly. “How’d you get into music?” he asked, genuinely curious about that. He didn’t really know Bucky’s story, now he came to think of it. He just wasn’t...that fan.

“Never Googled me?” asked Bucky curiously. When Steve shook his head, he sighed in relief “Wouldn’ta found the whole story anyway. When I was a kid, I got knocked on my ass with some uh...mental health issues. Depression, for the most part. This is a lot, so I’ll skip over it. Basically, my ma and dad knew I was havin’ a hard time, so they signed me up for a bunch of classes hopin’ something would stick. Turned out to be guitar. I took vocal lessons after that, got some music, all that shit...turned out great for me. The obsessive fans I could do without...remember I mentioned random proposals? But the money’s good for living well. I don’t spend a ton. Always kinda wanted…”

Steve nodded encouragingly, noting his date’s pause.

“The house, y’know? Like we talked about, I wanted a front porch, a dog, all that. Not really an option at the moment. Oh! Oh shit, honey...I took the role. I’m gonna play Jareth”

Steve actually had to stop himself from choking because the waitress had just brought out the wine. She asked if they were ready.

“Ah, ‘m sorry, we haven’ even looked at the menu. Give us a minute?” Bucky sounded apologetic, and gave a very winning smile that made a primitive part of Steve snarl with jealousy. The waitress nodded in response and went off to care for other tables. Bucky actually caught the look on Steve’s face and seemed surprised. “Er...you okay?”

“Oh yeah, sorry, thought I recognized her is all! Listen, Bucky...you accepted the part? That’s great! Congratulations!”

“I had a lil push. Got you all riled up, thought it might impress you” teased Bucky lightly.

Steve smiled. “That’s not the only thing about you that impresses me.”

“Honey, I understand what you mean. Feel the same ‘bout you.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Bucky continue their date. Steve has some more questions for Bucky, and a confession to make.

“So…” Steve had sipped his wine, and found it was the best he’d ever tasted. It was full of flavor, very sweet, and not too sharp with alcohol. Bucky had gotten a different one (a little stronger, and definitely less sweet) and seemed to be enjoying it. Still, Steve had more than wine on his mind. “So, let me ask you something Buck…” He was kind of nervous about this; he had a few questions actually, and he wanted them out of the way in case things got serious and he got unpleasant answers later. He decided to start with something easier.

Bucky nodded, tilting his head in a doglike way. The wine he held carefully in his left hand, and his tongue poked out a little as he listened. He loved listening to Steve; those blue eyes were sharp and bright, inquisitively gazing at the object of their attention. His nose scrunched when he was thinking. It all made Bucky smile.

“You said you don’t do this...y’know, dating someone who knows you through your music. What made me different? You talked about coming to my art show not long after we met. Hell, you bought one of my pieces. I don’t...really get it. Maybe it’s just my…” He winced. 

“I’ll answer, but I wanna know how that sentence was gonna end.” Bucky’s voice was gentle as he set the glass of wine aside. His hand came out slowly to take hold of Steve’s free one, and he tilted his head.

“It’s our first real date, Bucky. I don’t know if this is something you wanna hear.” Steve was kind of embarrassed, especially by the rocker’s answer.

“Honey, you never gotta tell me. But I’m always open t’hearing y’stuff, no matter what. I got you, always.” He smiled reassuringly, and gave Steve’s hand a very gentle squeeze. “Talk t’me, even if s’not about that.”

Steve worried his lower lip before saying quietly “I like my name. Steve. My mom helped name me; she helped me pick a name that was close to my birth name, because I actually would’ve liked it on a woman. Just not on me.”

“A man.” supplied Bucky with an earnest smile. A small part of him wondered about that old name, but he shook that off quickly. ‘NO BARNES. Not your business. Never will be. That’s his past, not his present and future.’

Steve nodded, smiling fondly “Yes. A man.” he responded. “The thing is Bucky….there’s this thing called ‘internalized transphobia.’

“Oh.” Bucky looked worried suddenly “Honey, y’feel that?”

“Just toward myself. I’d fight for anyone else, and I fight for myself too! But sometimes I look in the mirror and don’t see a man. I see a girl playing dress-up. Sometimes I go to stores, and since I don’t have my name changed yet, and my ID doesn’t really look like me…” He huffed “When people point it out, I just have to say I’m a lesbian and hope for the best. That gets under my skin.”

“Wish I could say I understand, jus’ so I could really be with ya on it. But I can’t fully get it, cause I’m…” He tried to remember the word for it, but couldn’t. “Cause I was told I was a guy, and I am a guy. You were told wrong, and that ain’t fair.”

“It isn’t” responded Steve, and then smiled “But I’m glad you don’t really get it. I’m glad you’re okay.”

“Yeah…” sighed Bucky. “Don’t think I’m strong enough. That’s kinda an answer to your other question. I saw ya, and y’looked...well, firstly, you’re fuckin’ hot Stevie. Secondly, when I met ya, I could see how strong ya were. That, an’ friendly, an’ real...genuine. I jus’ liked ya right away. As f’why I bought ya art...s’cause it’s good! Damn good. You’re an awesome artist Steve.”

Steve didn’t get the chance to approach because the waitress came up for their order. They hastily checked menus, and chose something that sounded good to each of them. Steve had to ask about allergens. The waitress didn’t mind, and was sure to write down everything Steve wanted, and the ingredient he couldn’t have in his chosen dish. Then Bucky’s order came, and the waitress was off.

Steve then commented casually, after another sip of wine “So...you’re going to be staying in the area after tour?”

“Uh, yeah” said Bucky sheepishly, and before he could worry about Steve’s reaction, the smaller man spoke.

“D’you remember my offer?” he asked tentatively. “I know um...I know it’s not..traditional, to do something like that. I just hate the idea of you being uncomfortable in your own space thanks to your stalkers.” He sighed “Can’t imagine being in your place. It’s so shitty…”

“Stevie...were ya serious?” asked Bucky tentatively, feeling rising excitement.

Steve’s heart sank. “Oh um...yeah, but if you were kidding I get it. This must seem a little weird…”

“Stevie, hey...I’d love that. Really I would. But if someone gets a glimpse of me at ya place, you’ll kinda fall into the limelight. I don’t want ya being surprised by that. If you’re okay with that maybe-”

“Bucky, are YOU okay with it?”

“Course I am. We don’t really know each other well but...I can’t think of a better way.”

“Get your stuff when you get home.” Steve decided. “You can move in whenever you’re ready, and that way it’ll all be waiting after…”

“After tour. Yeah.” Bucky squeezed his hand gently. “Y’re amazin’, Stevie. Best man I’ve ever known.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve shows Bucky something unexpected, and in the end, it goes in a different direction than thought...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo! This is a pretty emotional chapter in a good way, so just be aware of that!

Steve had never had a better dinner. The food was great, of course, but that wasn’t the damn point. He could’ve listened to Bucky talk for hours, tracing the line of his jaw and the swoop of his nose, the way a few strands of hair had fallen loose from the elegant bun. Sometimes he knew he was STARING like an absolute IDIOT, like a swooning virgin in one of those bullshit romance novels that he’d worn to rags as a teenager. He noted the way Bucky twirled his pasta around his fork before stabbing a piece of breaded eggplant to eat in one bite. And somehow, amazingly, this ridiculous(ly sexy) punk rocker didn’t get a drip of sauce outside of his mouth.

Right now, they were talking about their childhoods...or rather, Bucky’s, because Steve kept asking for details.

“When did I know? Well, second grade all th’ guys my age had a crush on this lady teacher we had. I mean, she was a damn good teacher as my 7-year-old brain remembers, bu’ never was more then that f’me. Meanwhile, I had a swim coach who had that kinda swooping Justin Bieber hair that all the ladies grew to like as we got older. I rem’ber thinkin’...this is what love is…” He pretended to swoon, and his fork accidentally flicked sauce into the hair of the lady to his left. Luckily, nobody but Steve noticed, and he suppressed a snort of laughter. 

Bucky, thinking it was about his story (and in part, it was, but the sauce was fucking FUNNY) laughed in response “Listen, 7-year-olds are dumb. They think th’ person they’re into MUST be into them. Same concept as some of m’ fans.”

Steve rolled his eyes “You could’ve had anyone and you chose the non-crazy?” He said it sarcastically, and with a lot of humor. “Shame on you. The busty blond bombshells weren’t good enough for a gay man such as yourself?”

“Nope. I do like blondes though, jus’...of th’ men variety.” He winked, and took another bite of food. He was glad Steve had a sense of humor about this now, because Bucky really liked him and hated to see the man so down. 

Bucky paid, leaving a big tip, and walked Steve out to the valet. They were hand in hand as they approached the driver, and Bucky showed his valet ticket. When the car was pulled up, the rocker opened Steve’s door for him. 

“You sap” snorted Steve, getting in and buckling up. Bucky went around the car, tipped the valet, and hopped in. “Right!” he said cheerfully. “Time t’get ya home. Tour’s in a week y’know” He looked happyl as anything. “Can’t wait t’show you where we’re goin’.”

“And where’s that? I need to know how to dress!” commented Steve, raising an eyebrow. He loved seeing Bucky so happy, so full of cheer and so damn smiley. Bucky glanced over at him while they were paused at a light. “I’ll send you an itinerary. I’m damned excited Stevie. Can’t wait to show you what we do from behind th’ scenes.”

They pulled up in front of Steve’s place and he sat there for a moment, seeming to debate internally. “Do you...want to come in?”

“Oh sure!” said Bucky, not getting the subtext. “Might be nice to get a lil’ time jus’ us, wi’out bein’ in a public light.”

Steve knew Bucky didn’t really get it, but he smiled and got out anyway. Together, they headed up the path and Steve opened the door. He toed off his shoes and Bucky did the same. Steve looked curiously at Bucky and said “Can I...ask you something?” as he led the way to the kitchen.

“Yeah Stevie, ask whate’er you want.”

Steve pulled Bucky to sit down in the same spots they’d been last time, taking the place opposite him. “I know you said that my chest is like...pecs. But...what about…” he sighed, and shook his head “I mean, you are gay”

Bucky got up immediately and moved to kneel in front of Steve’s chair. “I’ll tell ya time an’ time again I see ya as a man, no matter how ya look under ya clothes. Y’should ask me whenever ya need, an’ I’ll always answer.”

“Bucky, I want...I want to, I just am...worried…”

“Talk t’me Stevie. Why can’t ya tell me when ya feel upset? Not upset m’self, I just wanna know how t’help.”

“N-No, Bucky, I want us to…” He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “Can I show you how I look?”

Bucky sat up in surprise, noting the window in the kitchen. “Yeah but...somewhere not this open. Don’ want anyone to catch a look at what ya don’t want seen.” He was already feeling a sense of honor. This was so strange, to know how much Steve trusted him. Bucky wondered what exactly he’d done to earn this...but whatever it was, he wasn’t going to squander it.

Steve took hold of Bucky’s hand and led him down a short hall and into a neat bedroom, with a large bed well-made, some houseplants, and an older model laptop resting on a desk that looked like an antique. Steve took a slow, shaky breath. This...could change everything. And not in a good way. It was so incredibly scary, and he feared his dysphoria and the pain it would cause for Bucky to see ALL the evidence and be disgusted. Steve reflected that he should have more faith in Bucky now...but it was tricky in this situation. The tie, the jacket, the shirt all came off. He left the binder on for the moment. Then his socks, and the pants. He was now left in a pair of blue boxers and the ratty old binder. His hands were shaking as he neatly folded it all (including the socks) and set it on top of the dresser. He was looking down at his hands, trying to be confident, trying to be HIMSELF. But it was hard. He had an internal monologue, mentally begging this to go well, before he carefully removed the binder. Again, his chest was visible, his ribs countable, his hips a little too curvy to be entirely masculine. 

Bucky was watching calmly, keeping his eyes on Steve’s face. He wasn’t sure what Steve wanted right now; should the rocker look? Should he keep gazing at those perfect eyes of Steve’s? He didn’t know. He’d wait.

Steve stood there in silence for a full minute before he stepped out of his boxers. And there he stood. Totally naked in front of Bucky, standing as though expecting some kind of backlash. He looked up and was stunned to see Bucky smiling.

“Y’know” said the taller man. “In my head, y’looked different. I saw…” he waved a hand “I dunno. More feminine, or whatever. Ya got Steve parts. Not boy or girl. And some day you’ll have wha’ever Steve parts y’want.”

Steve tilted his head, listened, smiled. He let out a shaky breath and said “Stephanie. That was her name.”

It didn’t take Bucky more than a second to understand. He shrugged and said “Never knew Stephanie. I jus’ know Steve. Can I come over there.”

“No” said Steve “I’ll come to you.” He crossed the room and settled onto Bucky’s lap, leaned up, and kissed him. For probably the millionth time today he said clearly “Thank you.”

And then...then he kissed Bucky again. Kissed him more insistantly, almost desperately. Bucky’s hands hovered over Steve’s waist and ended up resting on his back as they kissed. He felt a slow sense of awareness as to where this was going, and like last time, he pulled back and prayed they wouldn’t be interrupted for this conversation.

“Honey, I need t’know-”

“Just don’t touch my chest” he whispered “I’m good with my ass, my body, my neck...just not my chest or…”

“You’re sure this is what you want?” checked Bucky. “I know you haven’t….”

“Please Bucky, I need you…” Steve’s voice was high and almost breathy, and Bucky reconnected the kiss without another word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SMUT NEXT CHAPTER!


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve's first time and Bucky's best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is allllll smut!

Steve had shifted in Bucky’s lap to straddle him, his hands sliding into Bucky’s hair and undoing the bun, letting the thick dark locks fall from their position. The tightness of the bun had left waves in the rocker’s hair, and Steve toyed with them as they kissed. Steve didn’t entirely know how to do this; he’d never done anything like it before. He’d kissed, sure, but that was mostly with Bucky, and now they were about to go in an entirely new direction. He felt Bucky pull back for a moment, and met his eyes. Bucky was looking at him almost quizzically, taking in Steve’s features, how fucking HANDSOME he was.

“Damn” mumbled the rocker. “Can’t believe we’re here like this…” His hands slid down Steve’s back, resting just above his ass. His thumbs moved in slow circles. “I’m so fuckin’ lucky. Never felt so fuckin’ lucky…”

“Right back at ya” said Steve, leaning in to press soft kisses at Bucky’s neck. Bucky tilted his head to give Steve more room. 

“Fuck…” whispered the rocker, and then WHINED when Steve gently bit the exposed skin above the collar of his shirt. Immediately after, the blonde smoothed his tongue over the bite mark to soothe it, his hands sliding down Bucky’s chest. 

“Boundaries?” asked the blonde softly, his breath puffing gently against his partner’s shoulder. He knew enough to ask questions like that. He didn’t want to upset Bucky; he wanted this to be fucking GOOD.

“Fuck, um...just tell me if I screw up, a’right? Don’ ever wanna hurt ya. I’m game for jus’ about anything.” Bucky looked into his eyes, his hands sliding a little lower to run over his lover’s ass. “Holy shit…” he muttered, and his hips bucked up instinctively.

This caught Steve off guard, and surprised a groan out of him. Dysphoria didn’t mean his sensitivity was kaput. He rolled his hips and whispered “Out of those clothes…” He slipped off of Bucky’s lap, standing in front of him. He didn’t feel nearly so self-conscious in the midst of all this; it was too much of a positive distraction from what he often experienced day-to-day.

Bucky was stunned by this change of pace but FUCK he wasn’t about to ignore that order. Seeing those wide blue eyes, flushed cheeks, pink lips...it drove him insane, he had to DO something. He stood and undid his tie, tossing aside his jacket, and was about to unbutton his shirt when Steve stopped him. The twink started to unbutton the shirt instead, letting it start to slide apart and reveal smooth skin over toned muscle. Steve knew he was pink with excitement as he traced the ridges of it, noting the color and detail of gorgeous tattoos. He pressed kisses here and there, and Bucky shrugged the shirt off as Steve moved to his knees. 

Bucky’s mouth was dry as he felt Steve’s tentative touch over the hard outline along his pants. Steve was trying to process what was happening and what was ABOUT to happen. It wasn’t that he was about to sleep with a rockstar; it was that he was about to sleep with Bucky. His Bucky. Steve careful undid the belt, button, and zip. He looked up at Bucky, tilting his head and seeming a little nervous.

Catching this, even with how incredibly turned on he was, Bucky cupped Steve’s face in his hands. “Honey, we don’t gotta…” It was kind of painful to say that with how into it Bucky was, but you know what would be way way worse? Seeing Steve miserable due to this experience.

But Steve shook his head “I want to, I just…”

Bucky took a deep breath. Steve was too close to his dick to focus, so he took the other man’s hands and pulled him so they were level. “Wassup Stevie?”

“I don’t wanna let you down. I’ve never done this before and…”

“Tell you what” Steve had trailed away, so Bucky spoke. “If somethin’s up, y’tell me, an’ I’ll tell you. This should be fun f’ both of us, not just one. A’right? And it starts to be bad, I wan’ ya to tell me.” Bucky leaned forward to kiss him. 

They lingered there for a while, forehead to forehead, until Steve (regaining some of that Rogers confidence that slipped so often as a trans man) slid his hand higher on Bucky’s thigh again, sliding up to the waist of the dress pants and starting to pull them slightly down. 

Bucky could feel the slight drag of fabric that made him groan eagerly as he was completely bared. The rocker knew damn well he looked good, strongly built, with tattoos across his arms and a few on his chest and back, his tongue pierced and his eyes heavily lidded as he watched.

Steve took in the sight of Bucky’s body. There might be a small part of him that was jealous, but it just didn’t seem important right now. He knelt between Bucky’s knees, and hesitated. 

Bucky, who was DYING for this, maintained his composure and let his partner take a moment. He observed the other man’s features, his pupils dilated, cheeks flushed, and those fucking lips...speaking of which.

“GAH!” 

Steve had leaned down to lick a slow line from the base of Bucky’s cock, ending with a soft kiss. He leaned over to press his lips to Bucky’s thigh, and the rocker was TWITCHING with how good it felt, using every last bit of his self control not to shout again. He could not, however, prevent some moaning and whining. He loved this. He loved Steve. It was stupid, they’d known each other such a short time but it hit him with a clarity he hadn’t expected as his partner went down on him. He loved Steve. And it wasn’t because of this context, it was because Steve was brave, strong, REMARKABLE, funny as FUCK...

“God baby, yes…” he sighed happily, his fingers gently sliding through Steve’s hair. He did his absolute best not to jerk his hips, because he didn’t want to throw Steve off or worse, cause him to choke.

Steve knew immediately he liked this. He liked hearing Bucky moaning, liked feel his thighs twitch, and REALLY liked the feeling of fingers in his hair. Steve forgot his dysphoria; he was so caught up that he didn’t recognize that he would normally REFUSE to be naked this long. This was just...different. Suddenly he heard Bucky speak more clearly. 

“W-Wait honey, wait…”

Immediately, Steve stopped. He scooted back quickly, lips slightly parted. He was about to apologize when Bucky pulled him up for a proper kiss, eyes closed as he did. “D’you still want-” Bucky didn’t go any farther because he heard Steve whisper one word:

“Please…”

Bucky stood up, and carefully lay Steve out on the bed. Bucky met his love’s eyes, and braced over him to kiss him. He was careful not to touch ANYWHERE that would upset Steve, avoiding his chest and crotch. It just...he wouldn’t push that point. In all honesty, Bucky only cared that he was with a man; he was gay, after all! If Steve was fine with his parts, that’d be great! But he wasn’t, and you can be damn sure Bucky could make him moan without touching anything that would upset his partner. 

Indeed, Bucky sat up a little, looking down at his love. “Checkin’ in” he said softly “Y’sure?”

Steve groaned “Stop asking!” he huffed, though a little too breathlessly to have force behind it. “I damn well want this.”

“Y’got lube?” asked Bucky quietly, because if Steve didn’t, Bucky would need to come up with something else for them. Thankfully, Steve pointed to his bedside drawer. Bucky scrambled out of bed and went to grab the lube, but as he took out the bottle, a receipt fell to the floor. He grabbed it to put it away, and then saw the date. He smirked and said cockily “Planned this, did we?”

Steve sat up on his elbows, squinting “I could throw that plan away, if you wanted?”

Bucky groaned “A’right, a’right, point taken.” He opened the bottle of lube, and the little ‘snk’ of the cap brought a shudder of excitement through both men. Noting this, they both met each others’ eye. 

Steve stuck his tongue out half-heartedly, which only reminded Bucky of the sight of Steve going down on him. 

“Damnit” huffed the tattooed rocker. “Damnit, damnit. A’right honey...hands n’ knees would be best f’this.” Both for Steve’s physical and emotional comfort. The word ‘dysphoria’ was a little warning bell any time Bucky got too close to his partner’s chest or crotch, so as Steve flipped onto his hands and knees, Bucky moved to his side. He could see the rose tat, the blossom small and on the roundest part of his ass, and the vines curling up his hip and lower back. Bucky slicked his own fingers with lube and said softly “Gonna need ya t’take deep breaths baby. Tell me if ya need me t’slow down.”

He pressed soft kisses across the tattoos on Steve’s back as he pressed the pad of his lubed thumb to the punk’s entrance. Steve visibly tensed, and Bucky stayed perfectly still, gently kissing across his love’s back and shoulder. This repeated itself several times as Bucky worked Steve open, listening for signals of discomfort. After things got started, however, he realized exactly how much the punk was enjoying this.

Steve couldn’t believe how right this felt. He wasn’t sure what he’d expected, but NEVER something this good. He rocked back against Bucky’s fingers, his eyes closing and his heart pounding as he let out a constant stream of gasps and Bucky’s name.

“Yes, yes...hhhh...yes, more, please…” Steve’s voice was husky and eager now, begging for more with words and tone. “Please, please Bucky...just like that, please, more...THERE!” Steve had stiffened and whined desperately.

For the first time, something occurred to Bucky. Sure, men who were told they were men at birth (what was the goddamn word for it?) could cum more than once, but it was rarely with the same frequency and power that he understood Steve would be able to. Jesus, Bucky was going to make this good. He moved his fingers more insistently. He knew Steve didn’t have the same spot...CISGENDER, that was the word...that cisgender men had, but clearly he had sensitivity that was right at this point. Bucky intended to hit it until Steve went over. His fingers curled slightly as he moved, steadying Steve with his free hand, feeling the heat around his fingers and doing his best to keep control. He was stunned when Steve shouted the rocker’s name, staying on his knees but only catching himself on his elbows. Bucky continued to thrust with his fingers, letting Steve ride out his high. Bucky was lost in how wonderful this felt, how perfect, how overwhelming. As Steve gasped for breath, Bucky carefully removed his fingers, With his clean hand, he fumbled in the bedside drawer for the inhaler he’d seen, and passed it to his partner. Normally, Steve would’ve refused, but he kinda wanted to live...

Bucky, having seen this, knew he could do without his own experiences. He was more than a little surprised when he heard Steve, now done with his inhaler, whisper “P-Please…”

“Honey?”

“More, please…”

Those three words total could’ve driven Bucky up the wall, but still he kept calm. “How-”

“In me...please…”

So. Steve was DEFINITELY a bottom in bed, and that was FINE, that was PERFECT. Bucky stayed at Steve’s side as he got way too much lube on his own hand and coated his cock. He took a deep breath and shifted to kiss his partner. “You alright baby? You sure?”

“If you ask me one more time, I’ll call it off out of spite” huffed Steve.

AH THERE WE GO. There was snarky Steve. “A’right, y’spitfire” Bucky was chuckling, and DAMN he was happy right now. He kissed Steve again before moving up behind him.

“Wait” said Steve quickly, and immediately Bucky backed off. But then Steve did something surprising. He rolled onto his back, and said quietly “I want to see you.”

“Baby, I can’t totally avoid-”

“I know. It’s gonna happen, and that’s okay.” Steve was looking up at him searchingly, as though wondering if this would be the thing that changed Bucky’s mind. Seeing this body during this...would it…?

No. Bucky leaned over to kiss him. His hand was carefully braced beside Steve’s shoulder, steadying himself. The last thing he wanted was to hurt Steve, and that meant distraction for a moment. Aside from distraction, he for damned sure loved kissing the other man.

Steve loved kissing too, and as they did so, he felt a strange stretch that was so fucking good he couldn’t believe he’d never felt it before. But honestly...it was worth the wait. He gasped into the kiss, his hips stuttering upward and their bodies close together. Suddenly, his chest didn’t seem important. NOTHING seemed important, he was too caught up in the experience, with Bucky braced over him, IN him, kissing him…

Steve didn’t realize it but he was whimpering in what was unmistakably a good way. “B-Bucky...fuck...FUCK…”

“Hey sweetheart, hey hey...lookit me, lemme see ya…”

Steve had stars in his blue eyes as he looked up at Bucky. “Move damn you” he laughed, and then whined as Bucky did as commanded. Steve’s hips canted upward on instinct, his legs hitched up to his partner’s sides as he whispered “F-Fuck…please Bucky, p-please…”

Bucky knew exactly what he meant, but didn’t go much harder. He would NEVER hurt Steve, especially since this was his first time. He kissed Steve with each movement, swallowing his moans and sobs. He felt Steve’s nails dig into his back and hissed eagerly, a possessive spike coming to him at the thought of claw marks all along his back. Bucky knew they’d been at this a while, but wanted to do more than moan. He didn’t dirty talk, but he did...talk.

“Honey…” It was all said with a lot of effort as he struggled to find words through what he was feeling. “Saw you in that crowd at the concert, knew y’were my people. Knew I had t’know you, would do anythin’ for you.” He leaned down to suck a light mark on Steve’s skin. “Just smilin’ up at me like a pretty boy-”

Steve keened. That had clearly hit some unknown and WONDERFUL part of him. “Again!” he breathed.

“Pretty boy, tha’s you. With ya pretty hair and pretty eyes…” Bucky angled himself, trying to find a perfect spot “Saw that rose tat was really there when I had ya all bent over, coulda bit it but I didn’ wanna startle ya-”

“Next time do it” groaned Steve “Would be good to see the rose even redder…”

“Damnit” Bucky moaned “Can’t jus’ say those things Stevie… AH!” Because Steve’s hands were sliding up Bucky’s chest, gripping his shoulders as his back started to arch.

“C’mon baby, y’can, y’can…” Because Bucky could FEEL how close the artist was, knew he was getting closer, and wished there was something he could do to make this better for him.

But it was perfect. Steve was in heaven as his hips stuttered up and he gasped out Bucky’s name in a chant. Bucky followed not long after, his breathing hoarse as he kissed Steve and kept braced over him.

They took a moment there, Steve looking up at him with something soft in his eyes. Bucky leaned down to kiss him, gentler this time, and carefully pulled out. “Honey, honey...hey…” Bucky’s voice was soft. “Y’wanna clean up, get dressed? I know y’don’ like…”

“No” said Steve softly “We can do that later. Let’s stay here...just for a moment.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter, or possibly the chapter after that, we'll have a little angst and drama. Stay tuned!


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and Steve experience the morning after. They quickly talk about tour...but a misunderstanding is on the horizon. Will Bucky and Steve ever speak again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We’re going to touch VERY briefly on the move, but we’ll got back to it either next chapter or the one after that. There’s going to be a misunderstanding at the end of this chapter, so don’t panic.

Steve woke up completely and totally alone. Groggily, he sat up and winced at how fucking SORE he was. It was odd. He was lying on the couch, dressed in a t-shirt way too big for him and a pair of his own boxers. He blinked as he tried to process where exactly he was, and what he was doing here. He NEVER slept on the couch. He was clean and dry, and his inhaler and a glass of water were beside the couch. Standing, he suddenly remembered with a jolt the events of the previous night. So where…?

“Bucky?” he called, wandering through the little house. He poked his head into the bedroom. Dirty sheets were crammed into the hamper and the bed was totally stripped. Steve went to find his phone and text Bucky. After 15 minutes, he had no response. Fuck.

“No…” he whispered desperately. “No no no…” It definitely hadn’t been a dream. He was too sore for that. Bucky was just...gone, and not answering his phone. Steve could not and would not believe this was some kind of long con to fuck a trans guy; there was no way. Not Bucky. Bucky would never. And the fact that the bed had been tended to and that Steve was in good shape was another sign of Bucky’s care. Now Steve was worried. He tried to give Bucky a call, and heard a ringing just outside the front door. A key turned in the lock and in walked the rocker, dressed plainly in what must’ve been some extra clothes from his car, and carrying a box of donuts. 

“Hey baby!” he said cheerfully, tossing the keys he’d borrowed onto a table by the door and setting his phone aside “Just saw ya text; sorry ‘bout that, I was drivin’. Brought some donuts; took a stab based on ya allergies, got a few...MMF!”

Because Steve had jumped forward to kiss him. He broke away, grinning. “This is your shirt, I’m guessing?” he realized, looking down at the too-big piece of clothing on him. Now he thought of it, it did smell like his partner.

“Yeah! What was the kiss for? Did ya think I wasn’t...aw shit Stevie, m’ sorry. Thought I’d get here ‘fore ya woke up.” The musician felt a curl of guilt in his gut at the idea of Steve panicking over Bucky’s stupidity.

“I knew you were coming back!” said Steve quickly. “The care you took of me and this place was sign enough. I remembered showering with you last night, but beyond that I didn’t remember you putting me on the couch or anything…”

“Y’were pretty tired. I like to think that means I did a’right. C’mon, donuts!” he said cheerfully. “Then we gotta talk about tour.”

“Oh holy shit, it’s coming up!”

“Damn soon!” said Bucky cheerfully, his eyes practically glowing with happiness. “Can’t wait for you t’see! S’gonna be great, I promise. We’ll spend it together, and I’ll give you all the kisses I can.” He leaned down to demonstrate, before they settled in with donuts.

Steve was incredibly appreciative. The food was great, and he realized he was starving now! Holy shit he’d been hungry, but he managed to eat his food politely. He put on a pot of coffee so that they could each have some too, as they could both use it. “So...where are we headed?”

“S’not a long tour” admitted Bucky. “Means it won’t be a cramped space for fuckever. We’ll catch a flight from here to our first location, and then from there we travel along the west coast and up north along the Canadian border. We have 7 total concerts. S’not too bad. I’ll get ya tickets for the front row, VIP if y’ want ‘em, or y’can stay backstage and watch from there.”

“The closer I am to you better” responded Steve fondly, his eyes bright with happiness. And boy did he mean it. Bucky held his hand, cheeks packed with glazed donut, and winked.

Later that day, the two men went to Bucky’s place. The paps weren’t there at the moment, so they packed as quickly as they could. Steve was amazed at how sparse the place was, but did smile at the sight of his painting on Bucky’s wall. “You really did do it” he hummed.

“Course I did” said Bucky cheerfully. “Ties the whole place together. I’m gonna leave it for now; I’m inevitably gonna have to come back here from time-to-time, and I’d like it to still be here. Reminds me of you.”

The move in went smoothly enough. Sure, it was rushed for them, but neither really cared. They’d spend most of tour together, and that’d be perfect. Their place would be waiting when they returned. 

It was a few nights before the tour that Bucky was at the studio with the band, rehearsing their set. They liked to be totally prepared before they did anything, so it made a lot of sense to spend most of the day working at their music. In the evenings, Bucky always went back to Steve, who was doing a lot of art now that he wasn’t at the library anymore. But as Bucky paused for a water break, he saw that he had a text waiting from Steve. The conversation went as follows.

Steve: Hey Bucky

Bucky: Hey Stevie! What’s up?

Steve: About the tour?

Bucky: Yeah…? You alright?

Steve: I don’t think I can make it.

Bucky: Stevie…? Is everything okay?

Steve: It’s complicated.

Bucky: Explain it to me?

Steve: I’m just not feeling great.

Bucky: Stevie, can you please talk to me?

Steve: Trust me, you don’t want me there.

Bucky: Why not? I definitely do! That’s why I invited you! Stevie, please?

Steve: My binder broke. The compression just gave out. Years of use and it’s done.

Bucky: I can fix that.

Tour came up quicker than they expected. Everything was ready. Tickets were bought (first class, because why not) and Steve was packed. Steve had been told that Bucky had a surprise for him at the airport, to make his time on tour absolutely wonderful. He was supposed to meet Bucky at the airport this time; they were both ubering, and Bucky was doing so from the rest of the band’s house, so it made sense. He hummed as he checked facebook, scrolling through his feed as he waited for the uber to show up. He found Bucky’s fanpage and wondered if anyone was looking forward to the tour. He opened it and froze.

The very first post was a picture of Bucky at the airport. Eyes closed, hands flat on another man’s chest...clearly lost in a kiss.

The phone fell from Steve hands. He was numb. Totally, completely, horrifyingly numb. This couldn’t be real. It was a bad dream. It was a horrible, terrible, fucking awful dream. He scrambled for the phone and cancelled the uber, staggering to the door and locking it. No. Fuck this, fuck him, fuck everything. He’d put all his faith in Bucky, and now there was some candid of him making out with another man. It was over. Steve was done. He sat with his back against the door in silence. Bucky would probably make out with that guy some more before getting on the plane and finding the next sucker in the next city. Steve wondered if there had ever been a ticket for him. Maybe the flight left an hour ago. Maybe he would’ve gotten there and nobody would be there. Maybe this had just been a game. He looked at the photo again, desperately seeking some kind of photoshop, some kind of answer that wouldn’t break his heart. But there was none. Bucky had lied to him. This had all been a lie. Steve set his bag aside, got up, and went to lie on the couch where Bucky hadn’t slept the night before last. He promised himself he would never speak to the rocker again.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An explanation.

“GET OFF ME! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

Okay, so Bucky was DEFINITELY making a scene in the middle of the airport. He’d been standing there with his bags, waiting for the rest of the band and Steve to get there. His carry on was packed with snacks that Steve could eat without his allergies kicking in, and there was a bunch of roses poking out of the top of the bag. He was in a VERY good mood, his eyeliner meticulous, his hair pulled up, and a jacket covering his tattoos. He’d thought he’d done a pretty good job hiding his identity. He knew the band would be here soon, and Steve not long after them, so he was wholly focused on the doors. He was not paying enough attention to see a couple of 19-20 year olds nearby; three young men, all whispering to each other. One of them indicated a phone in the other’s hand, and then the other two did a rock-paper-scissors tournament. The person who won did an excited little dance. Oh, they knew who Bucky was...and the game was set.

The one with the phone held it up, nodded to his friend who approached Bucky. Bucky, of course, wasn’t paying much attention. He just stood there waiting, and spotted Natasha, Clint, and the rest of the band all coming in together. He was about to wave, and they spotted him as the fan touched Bucky’s shoulder. Bucky, not sure what to expect but figuring a fan, turned to see who was poking him.

The fan pounced, kissing him firmly. Bucky’s eyes shut in shock as he tried to flinch away, his hands went flat on the fan’s chest and pushed hard, but it was too late! The moment the picture had captured was damning, even if it wasn’t at all what it seemed. That was when everything dissolved into chaos as Bucky started to shout, totally losing his temper in the fan’s face as the band ran to calm him and get the fan away. 

“GET OFF ME! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TOUCH ME! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TOUCH ANYONE! IF I SEE YOU AT MY CONCERTS I WILL PRESS CHARGES FOR ASSAULT, JUST BE FUCKING GLAD I’M NOT DOING IT NOW!”

The guy and his friends looked stunned, completely shocked as though they’d somehow expected this to be okay. “B-But…”

“GO! GET OUT OF HERE! You’re not welcome to look at me anymore, listen to my music, NONE of it. GO!”

And they did.

Bucky was standing there seething, and at that moment he registered that the band was there. “I...sorry, sorry…” he huffed “He just...I can’t believe he just…”

“It’s okay, James” reassured Natasha “It’s okay. Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I just...Jesus.” Muttered Bucky. “Fuck that guy.”

“Alright, we just need to wait here for Steve” said Natasha calmly “Don’t worry, he’ll understand. I know you want to tell him, I can see it on you. He can’t possibly be mad at something you had no control over.”

“Yeah” said Bucky regretfully “Ne’er wanted anyone elses’ lips on me ‘cept his.”

An hour later, Steve hadn’t shown up. Bucky tried to call him. Left a message. Tried to text him twice, three times. He saw the texts got read, but there was nothing else.

Steve had received the texts, ignored the calls. He just lay curled on the couch trying not to think about the picture he’d seen. How fucked up this was. He reflected that he’d have to leave Bucky’s stuff out on the curb. See if the library would take him back. Figure out...something, he just didn’t know what. 

The phone started ringing again. Gritting his teeth, Steve shut off the ringer and pulled up the picture. He saved it, texted it to Bucky, and threw his phone across the room.

Bucky’s phone made a soft sound that was Steve’s specific text tone. He checked it, and his eyes went wide, his features paled. He mutely held it out to Natasha. 

She sucked in a breath “Go” she said “We’ll rebook, the concerts not for two days. Go, explain everything.”

And Bucky ran for his life.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky gets to Steve's house and does everything he can to explain. Luckily, something turns up that shows Steve the truth.

Bucky was basically in tears by the time he got to Steve’s house. The drive had felt like it’d taken forever, and he’d held it together in the uber. Barely. He wanted to puke or sob or go back to the airport and get in the face of whoever had taken that misleading photo. He kept staring at it. He could read the shock on his own face, but knew to the outsider that the positioning of his hands and the way his eyes were closed looked like he was thoroughly enjoying it, even if a second later he had pushed the guy off and was screaming.

As soon as they pulled up, Bucky hastily tipped the driver on his phone, grabbed his stuff, and stumbled out of the car, running to the door. He had a key (Steve’s spare) but didn’t dare use it. He rang the bell and knocked on the door. “Stevie! Stevie, it’s me, I can explain! Please, it’s not what you think!”

Steve lay on the couch, listening to Bucky debating what to say. He texted instead of talking back. He couldn’t make his voice work; he didn’t want to try. He rolled over and curled up into a ball after texting.

Steve: What is there to explain? You made out with another guy at the airport. Let me guess: A real man? I knew some people went after trans guys as some kind of weird conquest, but I thought I knew you better than that. I thought you cared about me.

There was a soft ding outside of the door, and silence as Bucky read the text. The rocker’s heart sank. “You ARE a real man! And you’re so much more t’me than a conquest, Steve! O’ course I care ‘bout you! I’d do anythin’ for ya! Please, I’m not gonna use my key, but let me explain, I’m beggin’ you!”

Steve lay there for a while longer. He REALLY didn’t want to see Bucky, but he stood up, forcing himself to go to the door and unlock it. He looked exhausted, heartbroken as he opened it. He saw Bucky’s face, remembered soft kisses and gentle talk, and thought about how it had been a lie. How this was all a lie. Maybe Bucky was regretting it now, but did that really matter?

“Look, Stevie…” Bucky could see how devastated Steve was, and it killed him. Bucky knew he also looked upset; panicked even, pale and with his hair a little bit of a mess. “I was waitin’ for ya at the airport. Had roses and snacks y’could eat on the plane and everything, look!” He swung off his backpack. The roses had been crushed where he’d leaned against the back of his seat in the car, and the snacks were smooshed, but they were there. “Felt a tap on my shoulder, this guy came up, I turned t’see wha’ was up and he kissed me. Someone snapped a picture; hands on his chest were t’push him away, eyes closed cause it was foul an’ I was shocked. Look, I’ll figure out a way t’ prove-”

His phone chimed, interrupting him, and he checked it. Natasha had sent him a video, and his eyes widened “Look Stevie, look! Security footage, Nat musta nabbed it, watch!”

Steve had been listening, wanting desperately to believe him despite the evidence of his own eyes. He should believe Bucky, and really did for the most part, but it was so hard after that picture. Bucky had held out his phone, so Steve looked at it in silence as it played. He saw three people talking. They seeming to compete for something. One of them holding up a phone. The winner of the contest approaching Bucky, tapping his shoulder. The kiss, and then...then Bucky shoving him away. There was no audio, but it was clear that Bucky was shouting, and the guy who’d kissed him was shrinking away.

Bucky’s heart was pounding. He couldn’t see the footage (didn’t want to) because his screen was facing Steve, but he watched his love’s face and prayed that what he saw there was understanding. He saw Steve’s eyes well with tears and knew the video had ended. Shoving the phone back into his pocket, he held his hands up and said quietly “M’ sorry Stevie. Ne’er wanted t’kiss anyone else again. Look, I wouldn’ta moved in here jus’ t’cheat on ya. Wouldn’ta got ya a plane ticket and shit if I wanted to ditch ya. I got ya new binders cause I wanted ya happy, they’re in m’bag too. I jus’...please Stevie. I’d never. M’ so sorry…” His shoulders slumped, hands dropped, and he said desperately “Care about ya too much t’do somethin’ like ‘at. I…” He sighed “Look, jus’ lemme get m’stuff if ya ne’er wanna see me again. I’d rather ya be happy wi’out me than...miserable wi’ me.”

But Steve was just staring blankly at Bucky. “I’m so sorry, Bucky, I thought…” He looked down at his hands, which were wringing in front of him. “I guess I still think…y’know, you’re a rockstar. Y’could have anyone, so I thought…”

“I don’ want just anyone. I only want one guy, a’right? I know we jus’ met a couple weeks ago, but that ain’t important t’me. You are. I know that picture looked...looked awful. I’m so sorry I freaked ya out, I-”

He didn’t get any farther, because Steve had hugged him, burying his face in Bucky’s shirt and snuffling softly. He needed to be there with Bucky. “Come in?” he requested softly.

“Yeah, o’course” said Bucky quickly. “We’re rebookin’ the tickets for tomorrow. Couldn’ leave wi’out ya. Could ne’er do that.” He ran his hand up and down Steve’s back. “C’mon, we’ll watch a dumb movie or somethin’.”

Steve forced himself to release the rocker and stepped back into the house, letting him in. “I’m so sorry I doubted you.” He managed, feeling EXTREMELY guilty. The video evidence sealed the deal, but Bucky sounded so sincere it was almost impossible to doubt anyway.

“Hey, s’okay. That picture looked pretty bad.” admitted Bucky. “So fuckin’ stupid. I told that asshole off, I think I freaked him out pretty good.”

“Good” said Steve, maybe a little vindictively. “That...was pretty awful, what he did. And especially with how you must’ve felt. That was basically…”

“An assault, yeah” huffed Bucky “This is what I was sayin’...” He’d toed off his shoes and they were headed into the living space “People feel entitled to m’life. S’my least favorite part o’ my job. I love playin’ music, concerts, all of it. S’just...not great to have so many people be like ‘at.”

Steve sighed “I freaked out.” he commented unnecessarily.

“I get it” reiterated Bucky. “Musta hurt. I wouldn’ do that t’you Stevie. Never will. Hey!” he realized “Like I said, I got ya something.” He swung his backpack off his shoulder again and dug in it, pulling out a neatly folded set of cloth. 

Steve recognized it immediately, and beamed “New binders! When you said you’d ‘fix this’, I thought you meant fixing the old binder, not…”

“Nah, wanted t’get ya a few new ones. Go on, put one on! Checked ya size when it was off and y’were asleep on the couch. Hope ya don’t mind!”

“Course I don’t!” responded Steve, who would still need time to recover from that picture but was feeling better now that he knew what had happened. It wasn’t that Bucky could buy his way back; it was that Steve knew now he didn’t need to. Still, the picture had been jarring. Bucky knew it as well as Steve. Bucky would work hard to keep that memory from Steve’s head.

Steve leaned up to kiss him; a soft, sweet one, before turning to go to the room to put on the binder. He stared at himself in the mirror in their bedroom. He knew he’d overreacted...right? Maybe not. The picture was pretty damning, even if it had been misleading. He sighed heavily. Did it even matter anymore? He took off his t-shirt, examining fading hickeys and smiling a little bit. He knew exactly how to put on the binder, though it was trickier new. He looked in the mirror and beamed happily. His chest was pretty damn flat, and though it wasn’t the most comfortable garment to wear, his mental health improved astronomically in that moment. Pulling on a shirt, he came out to look at Bucky, raising an eyebrow “So” he said crisply “Thoughts?”

“Y’look great!” said Bucky eagerly “Does it fit a’right? Was worried I’d mess it up…”

“It’s perfect.” responded Steve. He smiled a little. “Bucky?” his voice was delicate.   
“How are you feeling?” Now he thought about it, that situation was probably awful on MANY levels for the rocker.

“Ah...happens more than I’d like” he admitted “Thinkin’ about makin’ a flat statement that I ain’t interested, and how fucked up that is. Haven’t yet, cause as much as I hated it...well, made me feel awful but made other people so damn happy. But s’not jus’ me anymore. S’you, Stevie, and I know that must’ve sucked.

“Wait a minute!” protested Steve “It’s happened before, made you uncomfortable and you haven’t said anything? Bucky Barnes!” he stepped forward, holding his partner’s calloused hands “You’re allowed to put up a damn boundary for yourself. I’m sorry I got mad, but ignoring how I feel...think about how YOU feel, alright? This...this whole thing was a goddamn mess” 

“It was, yeah. Jus’ hope we c’n move past it.” Bucky was, in all honesty, dreading the idea that this wasn’t recoverable. He wanted to be with Steve, and seeing the heartbreak on his face when he opened the door had been too much.

Steve rubbed the back of his neck nervously “I guess I still don’t really get how it’s me you want, y’know…?”

“I get it Stevie. But we have a long ass time for me to prove it to you, if I c’n stay.” Bucky sighed “But if not, I’ll pack m’stuff and go.”

“No no!” said Steve quickly “I want you to stay. I really, really do. Please stay?” He sounded so so hopeful.

Bucky’s features lit up with happiness. “Course I’ll stay, Stevie. I’ll stay s’long as you’ll have me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is settled! Soon enough, they'll be on tour!


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a little hanging out and a LOT of talking.

Steve and Bucky had had a nice evening together. Pizza was ordered, and Steve had pulled out a couple of beers. He was in an okay mood, albeit slightly shaken. They’d come so close to splitting, even if it hadn’t been what Steve thought. He felt pretty guilty, especially with how shitty all of this must’ve been. They were sitting on the couch. Bucky’s was sitting cross-legged, facing his boyfriend. Steve was leaned against the arm of the couch, and took a small drink of his beer.

Bucky hummed thoughtfully “Ya thinkin’ very loudly” He said that a lot. “C’mon Stevie, this sucked, but we c’n move past it. Both o’ us. And I’ll tell th’ world they gotta stop. This ain’t a game anymore, y’know?” He shrugged his shoulders, and took a swig of his drink.

“It never was” sighed Steve. He wanted to track down anyone who’d ever forced Bucky into a kiss and beat the shit out of them. “It’s awful you went through all this. It’s awful that I-”

“Stevie” huffed Bucky “I prob’ly woulda acted the same if I saw a picture like that. C’mon baby…” He leaned over to kiss the other man, smiling it’s it. He rested their foreheads together. "Like I said on our date...I ain’t saying we’re getting married. But I’m not gonna rule that out either”

Steve smiled a little bit. “You already mean so much to me” he admitted in a whisper. “I don’t know where to begin with how much you mean to me.” He gently touched along Bucky’s stubble. “I could damn well get used to this.”

“Good” said Bucky quietly “Cause I like it a lot m’self” He beamed, his dark hair curtaining along their faces. “Got a question for ya Stevie.”

“Go ahead” responded the smaller man. He closed his eyes to fully soak in the moment, though he didn’t get much time because the question made him mentally falter. He was stunned by what came out of Bucky’s mouth.

“S’not fair that you don’t have the body ya want. Could I...help with that?” Bucky was being pretty damn serious here. He wanted to help somehow, and knowing Steve hated his body...well, that wasn’t something the rocker liked.

“Bucky?”

“I mean…” He sighed “I’m not tryin’ t’ make you feel obligated t’stay with me, tha’s not it. But I can afford to help, y’know…” He paused, trying to remember what it was called. His memory for this stuff was shit. “Gender...confirmation surgery, right?” He felt Steve pull away and looked at him searchingly. Bucky could tell he’d said something that was odd to Steve, and kinda figured it’d be weird, but didn’t grasp just how much. In his head, this was the right thing to do, even for someone he hadn’t known long, and especially for Steve.

“Bucky, I’m not with you for your money, you know that right? Even if you didn’t help…” He sighed “I hate my chest, alright? I hate it. And that’s easier changed than...other things. But I’m not with you for you to buy me stuff. I’m with you for who you are. We met a few weeks ago, and you’re offering this? I don’t really understand what the hell is going on…” It was said without malice, but with genuine confusion. Steve thought okay of himself (sometimes) but this was new. This was...a little scary, honestly. And he didn’t know how to handle it.

Bucky had set his beer aside, and gently took Steve’s to put down too. Then he held Steve’s hands and said “I know y’aren’t here for my money. But I wanna do this for you, when you’re ready. After tour maybe? When I c’n take care of ya, since I’ll be here. C’mon, we’ll make an appointment, see how soon they can get ya in. I dunno the process or the wait times but uh...lemme help. Please?” His fingers slid up to trace the shell of Steve’s left ear, his thumb brushing the earring and his eyes meeting the punk’s.

“You’re sure?” checked Steve, who was finding all of this overwhelming in the best way “Absolutely sure?” He instinctively leaned into the touch, feeling Bucky toying with his earlobe and crinkling his nose happily at the sensation. Steve was slender, and shaped better with the binder on. And now he had some ridiculous…

“Yeah, I’m sure” Bucky was grinning, as he could tell he’d ‘won’ this fight.

“You’re ridiculous!” laughed Steve, voicing it aloud. “Absolutely ridiculous, I can’t believe...you want to pay for my top surgery! I can’t believe you’re serious!”

“Look, Stevie, I know we ain’t known each other long, but this isn’t me tryin’ t’ guilt you. This is me bein’...your boyfriend, yeah? Tha’s all I wanna do. Support you.”

Steve kissed him. “Just you wait” he whispered “I’ll bet you like a man with battle scars.”

“I like you any which way.”

``````  
That evening, they had had some ice cream, watched a few episodes of The Last Airbender, and cuddled. A lot. In Steve’s head, he had a lot of apologizing to do. Shutting himself away, causing a rebooking fee, being unwilling to look Bucky in the eye for a solid 5 minutes after he arrived...none of that was good. As he lay curled against Bucky, wearing his new binder, he wondered how angry the rocker was internally.

The answer was ‘not at all.’ Bucky was thinking of how to go about making sure it didn’t happen again. Pepperspray might be a start, but he would definitely need to talk to Steve about how to phrase his statement. Did Steve want everyone to know Bucky had a boyfriend? The moment they realized and Steve was seen with the rocker, correct assumptions would be drawn. Bucky hummed thoughtfully and murmured “Bed? The flight is in like...6 hours.”

Steve sighed “I guess so.” he mumbled “You coming?”

“Yeah” laughed Bucky, who was feeling more and more affectionate “Y’couldn’t drag me away. Just a sec baby.” He stood up and scooped Steve into his arms, carrying him groom style toward the bedroom.

Steve was laughing happily, and as they went into the bedroom, he found himself set down on the bed while Bucky went to change. Steve reached into his side drawer to grab his pills and inhaler. Bucky turned around in a Queen t-shirt and a fresh pair of boxers, and tilted his head as he looked at Steve downing his pills and taking off his glasses. He approached and sat on the edge of the bed. “Stevie?” he said clearly “Y’know I don’ give a shit you gotta take this stuff, right? Y’re way more important to me than worryin’ about ya meds.”

Steve finished taking in his inhaler and said in a more relaxed tone “Y’know, I figure I’m worth more than pills. You’ve helped me with that in the past few weeks.” He sighed “It’s...not been easy since my mom died” He stood up to get on some clothes to sleep in and take off his binder. Bucky stood to help him. 

“Tell me about her, if y’wanna?” suggested Bucky, who liked hearing Steve talk and wanted to learn more about him in the process. He neatly folded the binder and set it aside to be worn the following day. It might be uncomfortable on the plane, but Bucky knew full well it was needed for Steve’s comfort. Still...ID to get on the plane might be tricky. Bucky would vouch. Aside from that, they wouldn’t need a passport as they weren’t leaving the country. Bucky settled on the edge of the bed as Steve put on a shirt. The marks were still there from the binder, even after a few hours, but weren’t nearly as deep or intense. 

Steve paused “I was just a kid when I came out to her” he admitted “I knew I was a guy since I was really little; my old name didn’t feel right. It was a woman’s, at least in the way it was viewed. I mean, it wasn’t when it was mine...you know what I mean.” Bucky had nodded, so Steve went on. “She cried like a baby when I told her, cause she was glad I could be sane. Helped me get my first binder, and the next one, but they’ve worn out right up to this one” He gestured toward the old binder draped over the towel rack on the back of the door. “She helped me pick my name; gave me a few choices. Vincent, Thomas, and Steve were her top three. I went with Steve, cause I like my old name, but it wasn’t quite...yeah, like I said. But Steve worked perfectly.” He hummed and went to sit on the edge of the bed. “At some point I’ll get it changed legally, but the process is annoying, and judges can reject you if you don’t fit their standards.” He paused. He didn’t want to make any statements, but Bucky guessed.

“Surgery’d help those standards?” the tattooed rocker looked curiously at Steve, trying to work out why he was so nervous. Bucky knew EXACTLY how pricey those surgeries were (thank you for the ballpark, internet) so maybe that was it?

“It would” admitted Steve “I just...Bucky, it’s so complicated, what you’re offering. The price, the recovery time…”

“Stevie, I’ve done a little research. I have a shit memory with the terms, but I know the ballpark on botha those. Little trust, yeah? Trust me t’care for ya. I can do this, a’right? Please?”

Steve smiled a little bit “Alright” he agreed, leaning over to kiss Bucky. “I trust you.” His tone was genuine, though he still seemed a little uncertain. Bucky pulled him down under the covers and reached over to set his alarm. “Le’s get some sleep. Flight soon, and we gotta get up in time to get to the airport.”

“Goodnight Bucky.”

“G’night Stevie.”

And internally, Bucky thought ‘Fuck. I’m falling in love with him. A couple weeks. And I’m falling in love with him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is the flight!


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chat is had in the shower. The plane ride commences! An accidental announcement is made...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for my absence! My husband and I have a literal ocean between us and it’s hard to be apart. That AND my laptop being in the shop made this pretty complicated! But here we go!

California. Or...the flight there. Steve and Bucky had gotten up at the crack of dawn, curled together and covered head to toe in blankets. Bucky’s body heat was trapped by the cloth and they were both pleasantly warm, like drinking hot cocoa after a day out in New York winters. Steve stirred first as the alarm chimed. His hand stuck out from under the blanket, patting around on the nightstand for the phone and jabbing so hard at the screen that he hurt his finger a little. His swearing woke Bucky.

“Stevie? Wazzup, y’okay?” Bucky’s voice was bleary from sleep. “Wha’ happened?” The rocker’s hair was a comical fluff, a lion’s mane that waved from the way he’d slept. His left hand slid across Steve’s abdomen and wrapped around him. Even in this half-conscious state, Bucky was careful to avoid Steve’s chest.

“C’mon, we gotta get up” sighed Steve “Alarm just went off. Damnit.” He withdrew his hand, shifting so he was back under the blanket, rolling over, and blinking at his lover through the darkness “I’m excited for the flight, but Jesus it’s warm and comfy in here.”

Bucky withdrew his hand and sat up on his elbows, his head pushing the blankets up too. He snorted as Steve whined in protest at being exposed to the cold air. Looking like a ghost, Bucky slid out of bed, taking the sheets with him.

Steve rolled after him and stepped on the edge of the blanket, so that as Bucky kept moving it slid off of him. Bucky squeaked in surprise at the cold, hearing Steve say triumphantly “HAH!”

The rocker squinted with playful anger before bolting to the shower, gallumphing ahead. Steve scrambled after him, leaping forward and attaching himself to his love’s shoulders. “Hey asshole!” he laughed “Take me with you!”

Bucky made a dramatic sound “Fine!” he sighed “Fine fine fine, I guess you can join!” He walked to the bathroom with Steve still clinging to him like a koala. As soon as they were in, Steve slid off the rocker and started to take off his own clothing. Did he LIKE being naked for extended periods of time? No. Did he trust Bucky? Hell yes. It didn’t make dysphoria easier, but it did make being naked a hell of a lot better.

He watched Bucky strip, unashamedly staring and getting something of a wicked idea as he realized the golden opportunity he had to keep them entertained on the flight. He’d have to figure out how to go about this, but for the moment he could think on it. Bucky, however, caught his eye and smirked 

“See somethin’ ya like?”

“I always like what I see” replied Steve, grinning. “Just turning some ideas over.”

“Care to share?”

“Nah, but soon”

They stepped into the shower for a quick scrub together. Being naked wasn’t great for Steve. Sex was an entirely different context, and the sensations that came with it distracted him from dysphoria. But he did wholly trust Bucky with seeing him like this, with gently massaging shampoo into the blonde hair and more. Bucky enjoyed the same treatment, and they talked as they did so.

“How did ya get in th’ punk scene?” asked Bucky curiously, who was relaxing more and more at the feeling of hot water and gentle touches. He knew Steve’s hands were small; the delicate structure and meticulous fingers of a painter, but Steve’s touch was so sure and firm that any knots in Bucky’s back were worked away.

“When I had the word for ‘trans’ and knew that what I was feeling was real and not all in my head, I knew I needed a place that’d make sense for me. Coming out to my mom went well, but some other people I knew...weren’t so accepting. Getting involved in the punk scene meant that I could start fresh, be myself. Be exactly who I am.”

“The punk community’s pre’y damn acceptin’.” Responded Bucky. “I mean, they knew I was gay well before my ma and pa. My band...they’ve been my buddies since time began, ‘specially Nat. I mean...when I came out, my mama was fine. My pops had it a lil’ harder. He was more worried ‘bout me than anything. Afraid I’d get the shit kicked out of me for kissin’ on boys. He and I...weren’t great for a while there.” He stepped under the shower, speaking in a slightly blubbery voice as the water ran along his nose and mouth “I mean, he wan’ed me t’be happy, and never was one to pray th’ gay away. But he was freaked out. I’m the only son, got two sisters, so it’s...yeah. It’s all so weird for ‘im in ways I don’ totally understand. I roll with it cause he’s never been mean. Always loved an’ liked me, even when things were tense. Course, I hated him for a while there. He didn’t get excited when I had a boyfriend. He thought I wouldn’ have kids, cause of course gay people never have kids” The last bit was said sarcastically. “Got tired of his crap after a while, and blew up” He stepped out from under the shower, and leaned against the tile wall. “Asked him if he stopped lovin’ me like my uncle did. Asked why he couldn’t be happy I figured myself out. Asked a buncha shit. And he just said he didn’t know, but that he’d figure it out. And he did. Our fam’ly’s better than ever now, though my uncle’s still a prick. We cut ‘im off when he called my high school boyfriend a fag.”

Steve had listened to all this, now rinsing conditioner out of his hair. He wasn’t quiet for a second before asking seriously “What’s your uncle’s address?”

“Aw Stevie, y’gonna defend my name?”

“Hell yeah I am” Steve scrubbed at his scalp, working the conditioner out “Pisses me off. Calling someone...that for being gay…”

“Kinda own it at this point. People can call me whatever they want, as long as they don’t-”

“Call you late to dinner?”

“Exactly” laughed Bucky “I’m guessin’ you’ll kick th’ ass of anyone who calls you somethin’ bad? Don’t blame ya at all.”

“Well, there’s a lot of stuff people could call me. I just don’t like them getting away with it because I KNOW it’s meant to hurt me. So I do my best to beat people up if they fuck with me.”

“Sounds like my Stevie. But from hereon out...I’ve got ya back.”

```````  
It was Steve's first airplane ride, and he was sitting in the window seat gazing out, watching the clouds soar by beneath them. It was truly and honestly beautiful, and he had been drawing for about an hour now. He didn't seem to know what was going on around him...he just knew the whip of the wind around the plane, the clouds beneath them, the sunlight streaming down. Bucky had been snoozing for a while beside him, then he'd played on his phone, watched half a movie and eaten some fruit, before finally leaning over to kiss Steve's cheek. They were in first class and no one really looked at them anyway so he felt that he could sneak a little kiss. "What'ya drawin' at?" Bucky asks curiously, trying to get a peak.

For a second, Steve worried about Bucky seeing the pictures. But he in the end passed it over. Some of the sketchbook was filled with Bucky; pages of expressive features, powerful arms, bright eyes. There were also portraits of an unfamiliar woman who looked a lot like Steve, but clearly taller and healthier. His mother? There were Bucky's bandmates; only a page of each of them. And then there was detailed art of the plane itself, as they'd seen while waiting to board. The pilot and stewardesses that had greeted them on the way in. Some of it had been drawn before the flight, and some while on it. Steve worried his lower lip, trying to read Bucky’s expression.

Bucky flipped through the pages, his eyes wide in amazement. No matter how much he saw Steve’s art, it would ALWAYS be impressive. “Stevie! We really gotta set ya up an art page! Bet Loki c’n help!” Loki was just two rows in front, seperated by Clint and Natasha.

"I've been thinkin' about that" responded Steve, who was beaming at the praise but still seemed a touch anxious. "Are you...sure that they're, y'know...good enough? I know you like 'em but would everyone else?

"They ain't just a lil pretty Stevie; I really think they're good. Loki’ll tell ya so too, an' he has a media/art education. S'a Norwegian one, since him and Thor are from there, but s'the same kinda degree. Also, that guy he is into? He sells an' buys art for him or somethin'."

Steve looked kind of nervous. He was a confident guy most of the time, but his art was always a point of anxiety for him; the question of whether or not it was good enough was a big one. "I'll show them" he agreed "and see what they think." He didn't want to get his hopes up. Steve loved doping art, but whether it was good enough to be shared had always been a question.

Bucky kissed Steve's cheek again, and then pulled out his phone. He snapped a quick picture of them together to post on his private Instagram; the one only for friends and his family. His parents had gotten the app just to be able to follow their kids, so Bucky (and his siblings) all liked to update often. 

"Tony," Bucky motions over to Tony who was doing some rapid typing on his computer beside Thor. "Has a family house in California, so that's where we're gonna stay. S'a nice pool'n all, buncha bedrooms, greenhouse. Better’n a hotel. S'close to stuff we can check out too; figure we could take a day or two just bein' tourists together?"

Steve just wasn't adjusted to this sort of thing. He'd never been in a place that sounded so damn fancy.. He held Bucky's hand and looked at the Instagram. "You're proud of me, aren't you?" he asked, kind of amazed. He was stuck on that. Normally, he'd be challenging someone...saying 'I am worth being proud of.' But this was different. His tattoos tingled with happiness, as they often did when he was excited.

"You think I wouldn't?" Bucky gave up a little chuckle, and the smile on his face is wide and earnest. He was proud of having Steve as his. "Course' I am Stevie."

Steve squeezed his hand. If he hadn't already felt good about this, he would've now. "I feel damn lucky to be with ya, Buck." he said, looking up at the rocker with a smile.

"M'pretty lucky too." 

Steve just grinned cheekily. "I guess y'are, now I think about it. I'm a catch, huh?"

Bucky laughed and playfully pushed at Steve, then leans back comfortably in the chair. He was used to flying by now, ridiculously so. While he didn't think it was fun by any means, it was still something he had grown used to. 

The spot Bucky had pushed him was warm and tingly. Steve put his hand on the other man's knee

"What d'you consider home?" asked Steve almost abruptly, his fingers flexing on Bucky's leg as if to say 'don't worry, I'm here'.

Bucky looked thoughtful for a moment, he wasn't entirely certain what he called home because his apartment was really nice... but it wasn't homey. "Whenever I'm with the band I think. Whenever I hang out with you."

"With me? Bucky...where do you see our future, exactly?" He was curious, probing. He wanted to know what came next. Where came next.

Bucky blushed, because clearly he had over stepped and was about to freak Steve out on the plane or something. "I mean... I dunno." He says, the blush spreading and he nervously played with Steve's fingers

"Hey..." Steve turned a little more in his seat. "You can tell me, Buck. You can tell me anything you wanna, no questions asked."

Steve's blonde hair was pulled back away from his face, and he looked worried. Worried that Bucky was about to tell him there wasn't a future. But that wasn't the vibe he got from Bucky...he thought Bucky wanted a future with him. But still. He wanted to be sure they were on the same page. It was a reminder that they didn't actually know one another perfectly. They were getting to know one another still. Steve waited for an answer, his heart pounding in anxiety

"I want you innit." Bucky says carefully. "I know we ain't... that we haven't known each other long y'know. But, I know I want ya in my future.”

Steve breathed out in relief "Yeah? I want you too" 

Bucky kissed him, overwhelmed with happiness at that answer.

Bucky jumped a little, breaking the kiss when Loki curses. "James! Instagram, now. You idiotic jock. Private account for private stuff, public for public!" 

Bucky looked confused for a moment, then his eyes widened and he began to desperately dig around for his phone cursing very loudly. No no no no no...

“What’s wrong?” Asked Steve, not immediately understanding. He tried to see what Bucky was looking at on his phone when his own buzzed. He opened the Facebook messenger app to find three messages from schoolmates. “Oh” he whispered, paling.

"I'm sorry!" Bucny was desperately trying to delete the damn photo, but it already had over three thousand likes, must’ve been screenshotted and posted around and... Bucky had fucked up.  
Royally. "Steve I'm sorry." He was working himself up to a real panic here. 

Loki groans and gets up from his seat and heads over to grab Bucky's phone to make some damage control here. "You are phone banned." He huffs to Bucky.

Steve was staring blankly at his phone as more messages came in. He now had 16 separate messages. He took a second to process what had just happened, and then turned to look up at Bucky and saw the look on his face. “Buck?”


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The realization that they were public turns to reassurance, which turns to some dirty fun on the plane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SMUT SMUT SMUT!

Steve could tell that Bucky was panicking, and could tell that the rocker was scared. Steve’s quizzical look vanished in a second and he hastily reached out, gripping Bucky firmly by the chin and turning his head so they were nose to nose. There was something firm, caring, and intense to the action. “Easy….take it easy…” whispered Steve, his voice as soothing as possible.

Bucky’s chest was rising and falling in panic as he looked desperately at his boyfriend. “I ruined it” he whispered “Everyone’s gonna start at ya, y’can’t go anywhere without being stared at. Stevie I’m s-so...so s-” 

“Hey...hey hey, Bucky, breathe. S’okay. We were gonna be out in public; someone was gonna notice. It’s okay. I’m proud to be with you. What, you think I’m catching the next plane home? No chance.” Steve had cut off the rocker and was now looking at him earnestly. He released Bucky’s chin, trying to give him the freedom to move so he could relax more.

Bucky legitimately thought that was exactly what Steve would do. This was a huge thing and Steve's life would change because Bucly had done something so stupid. His shoulders sagged as he shook his head. He didn’t really believe this was okay, and was totally panicking. Thankfully, Loki was sarcastic and sensible, and Steve was calmer than usual.

Loki looked up, his brow arched, eyes on Steve. "You want me to keep the picture? I can do damage control on this, but you two better make up your minds right now."

Steve didn’t have to think about it. “Keep it up” He said flatly. “We’re together, now everyone knows, and anyone who has a problem can get bent.” He kissed Bucky’s cheek. “Hey...lookit me, Buck”

Bucky’s eyes were filled with dread. "Steve, m'sorry." He choked out.

“Bucky, stop.” Said Steve firmly. An order. “You didn’t do anything wrong. It was a simple mistake, nothing bad. You’re alright. I love you.” The last part slipped, and he didn’t actually notice.

Bucky blushed and looked wide eyed at Steve "Y'do?" Because Bucky sure as hell did not miss what Steve said. He heard it loud and clear, like it had been screamed in his face rather than spoken in a normal tone.

“I...” Steve huffed, mortified at the possible consequences but also not one to back down. “I do. I really really do. I love you to pieces, now and always, and you can’t get rid of me” Steve shuffled his feet against the carpeted, vibrating floor.

Bucky beamed at that. The panic reduced dissolved in light of the confession, and Bucky’s eyes softened as he took deep, relieved breaths. "I love ya too. A whole ton. Sorry I made us public, s'gonna be a bumpy ride for ya. An, y'really wanna make all ya accounts private from now on Stevie."

"I can handle it. We were gonna go public eventually anyway...why not start now?" he commented, going into his phone to change his social media to private. He was still receiving message after message thanks to the plane’s wifi. "Y'know something, Buck? I really do love you. And you're stuck with me now, jus' so y'know."

"S'a good thing y're all cute an' cuddly an’ not some kinda crazed fan." Bucky giggled like a child, leaning in to steal another kiss. He was relieved that they wouldn’t have to be all sneaky about public kisses anymore.

"Not cuddly" protested Steve, who actually (surprisingly) laughed a little at that. "I never expected this when I won that contest, honestly. Never expected to be...y'know...with you." He leaned up to kiss Bucky yet again.

"Hell of a prize." Bucky says with a cheeky grin. "I am happy ya won though Stevie, really. I love ya, y'make m'life a whole lot less empty."

"Hey...Bucky? Can I ask you a personal question?"

"Think we've done quite a few of those." Bucky responded, though he leaned in a little closer and nodded. "Yeah, course y'can."

"When did you come out as liking boys?" asked Steve, curious as to how this answer would go. Steve’s mother had supported him as soon as he came out (each time), but he wasn’t sure how things went for Bucky.

Bucky looked thoughtful. He remembered when his friends suddenly started to talk about girls that way and he himself had been there liking boys! He'd kept it to himself though. "I was in my teens when I came out." He admitted sheepishly.

Steve didn't see any reason for Bucky to be embarrassed by that. "There’s nothing wrong with that" he responded, sounding fond of his...his boyfriend. "Nothin wrong with that at all. We all come out when we're ready, and that's when you were.” After a long pause he followed up."So, Mr. Rockstar..." he teased "Now that we're public, do I get to meet your family?”

"Ah, shit, they're gonna kick my ass." He groaned loudly, because while he'd mentioned a guy, he hadn't let them meet him first. "Yeah, yeah y're gonna have t'meet'em." He says with a laugh

"Hopefully I make a good first impression." he responded, hiding his worry. He didn't know what he'd do if he couldn't manage it.

"Y're adorable, everyone instantly falls in love with ya Stevie." 

"They do, do they? I'm not convinced...I'm kind of an asshole, in case you didn't notice" He smirked in amusement. He patted Bucky's knee, looking up at him affectionately. "I love you" he repeated.

"Love ya too." Bucky hums with a happy smile. They sat there for a while, reflecting on their short relationship and the hopefully long future ahead of them. They were holding hands; Steve looking out the window, watching the tops of the clouds, and Bucky watching Steve. Visually tracing his curved jaw and straight nose, and the way his blue eyes stayed on a fixed point. 

An hour later, after sitting in comfortable silence, Bucky took notice of something. Steve was shifting in his chair. He seemed almost...uncomfortable in a way Bucky recognized from his own experiences. The rocker’s smile got a little cheeky. Now that they were well out of the woods, he had something in mind. "Y'know... this trip is a few hours longer." He purred. "Ever been in the Mile High Club?"

Steve raised his eyebrows, a smile curving his lips. “I think I saw a private cabin for VIPs. Think you could convince them to let us in it?”

His hand slid up Bucky’s thigh, teasing him and playfully hovering over his lap, but not touching.

"I think they would. If I asked very nicely. I don't suppose y'd join me if I did go look?"

“Definitely would.” Responded Steve slyly, and his hand slid farther up Bucky’s leg. “Are you sure?” He asked, tantalizingly

Bucky quickly got up, taking Steve's hand and pulling him with them. The VIP section was just this tiny little area. They didn’t end up asking permission; forgiveness would be far better, especially with how quickly this was escalating. Bucky pushed Steve down into the chair in the small space, and shut and locked the door. He noted that Steve seemed to be rocking a little against the seat, and Bucky’s smile became wicked. “Y’re wearin’ one, aren’t ya? Aren’t ya pretty boy?”

Steve gasped at the praise, and kept rocking until Bucky’s hands on his thighs made him stop.

Bucky leaned down and kissed him; the kiss was deep, fierce, and passionate. His eyes closed and his fingers tangled in Steve’’s hair, pulling firmly. He bent down to suck a mark on his lover’s neck, biting and then licking over the mark to sooth it. “You’re such a good boy” the musician purred, instinct taking over. “So good for me.”

Steve moaned loudly, leaning back in the chair. "M'good for ya!" he promised eagerly, rolling his hips up, trying to get something...SOME form of relief.

Bucky growled possessively at the friction, and pushed Steve’s jacket off his shoulders. He tossed it aside and started working off his partner’s shirt, before catching himself and glancing at Steve’s expression.

“Fuck, get it off!” gasped out Steve “I don’t give a shit, just get my shirt off, PLEASE!”

“Hush” whispered Bucky, who was trying not to get too overwhelmed with how good this was as he started to get Steve’s shirt off. “Quiet now, don’ want the other passengers t’hear”

Steve eagerly let Bucky undress him as he pleased, placing his hands onto his boyfriend’s hips and then sliding down, giving a wicked pinch to Bucky’s ass. “We should find a sex shop when we land…” gasped out Steve “Could do so much for you...would be so good…”

“Y’are so good, but could be even more….I could tie ya down, give ya a spankin’, huh?” Bucky couldn’t believe this was happening; every minute of every day he thought about Steve, not just like this but in ALL kinds of ways. 

"Ah fuck” whined Steve. "Please don’t let that be empty words cause I could really use that kinda thing." He could always use some Bucky tying him up and having his wicked way with him.

“Does that sound good?” Asked Bucky, starting to suck marks into his lover’s neck. “First I’m gonna mark ya, make sure everyone knows you’re really mine, whether they see that post ‘r not”

“Yes sir, yes sir…” It came out without Steve thinking, and he could FEEL the marks blooming across his neck and shoulders. The binder wasn’t terribly uncomfortable because he was so distracted, but he did continue to rock his hips to get a comfortable amount of pressure on…

“Show me” said Bucky, backing up as well as he could. He NEEDED to see Steve’s ass or he was going to lose it, especially with being called SIR.

Steve stood and undid his belt and pants, turning over so that his left hand was braced on the back of the VIP area chair and his knees were on the seat. He was about to figure out a way to strip off his pants when strong hands slid around his waist and started to pull down boxers and jeans. They ended up around Steve’s knees as the smaller man bent over the back of the chair, revealing the flat of a plug stuffing him. 

“How long didya plan this?” whispered Bucky, his index finger firmly tapping the plug and surprising a whimper from Steve. This brought a possessive curl to Bucky’s gut, and he leaned down to leave two bite marks on the curve of Steve’s ass.

"I was hopin' for something like this" Steve whispered. He felt Bucky’s fingers carefully grip the base of the plug, starting to twist it gently, pulling out a little and then pressing it snugly back into place. Steve’s gasps and moans filled the VIP area, and Bucky gently hushed him, knowing that if they were caught they were in big trouble. Finally, Bucky began to slowly pull the toy free. He set the plug on Steve's back, leaving it resting there while his free hand massaged the slim man’s thigh.

Bucky was aching for more, but managed to talk aloud. "S'a long flight, you just planned on keepin' it in the entire flight if we hadn' done this?" He was curious and, well, if he hadn't been turned on already, he would have been now.

"That was the plan. Notice that I adjusted a lot in my seat? Made it rub in a real nice way" Steve’s voice was desperate and husky.

"Oh fuck.. so hot." Bucky’s noted the way the muscles across Steve’s body jumped and twitched, and knew that if they stopped now both of them would go insane. He noticed the shrill noises coming from the blonde and spoke in a calmer voice. "Take it easy, pretty boy" he murmured, and again bit at Steve's asscheek, leaving a red mark in the outline of teeth, though of course not breaking the skin. Steve did everything he could to stop from wailing in pleasure.

Bucky noticed. Oh shit did he notice, and he loved it. He stroked his hand up and down Steve’s thigh, letting his nails dig in a little.

Steve buried his face into the crook of his arm. "Fuck yes. Am I doing good?" He asked hopefully.

"You're such a good boy for me. Such a good, pretty boy..." Bucky bit again and again, and then soothed the marks with his tongue. Steve now had bite marks all over his ass. Bucky could see it coming. His hand came around to cover Steve’s mouth as he slid two fingers in all at once, which must’ve felt damn good with Steve already open. And indeed, it felt so good that Steve’s back arched and he gave a scream that was muffled in Bucky’s hand, his body shaking apart as he rode out his high while Bucky stuffed his fingers deep.

When it was over, Steve was shaking with excitement, already wanting more. “P-Please…”

“Please what?” asked Bucky devilishly. Oh, he knew, and he was DYING for it, especially seeing Steve so laid out in front of him. 

“Please, in me...wanna feel you in me, please, PLEASE!” Steve was trying so hard not to be too loud but it wasn’t working and he DIDN'T CARE. He rocked back against Bucky’s fingers, feeling them press deep and desperate for MORE. Steve was actually aching for it; aching to be taken over, to be pinned and kissed and fucked until he only knew one word: “Bucky.”

Bucky could see the way the lube Steve had used prior to boarding the plane was dripping down the smaller man’s thigh. Bucky smirked and swiped some up, slicking it along his own cock and purring at the sensation as he moved up behind his love. Steve had his hands propped against the back of the chair, his knees on the seat of it and braced apart so thatt he was partially bent over. But Bucky didn’t want it like that. He tugged his love down; Steve’s pants and boxers were around his knees, but his binder was still totally on. That was just fine! Bucky adjusted Steve so that he was standing with his hands on the arms of the chair, bent over, and Bucky moved up behind him. He pressed the head of his cock against Steve’s entrance. Steve rocked back, desperate for more, and Bucky hissed as he slowly started to push in.

Steve was basically whimpering at this point; it was a high noise that he would normally be ashamed of if he weren’t so carried away in the sensations here.It was difficult being ashamed of anything like that around Bucky, especially with what Bucky was saying.

“Y’have no idea what ya do t’me, the way ya walk and talk, the way ya smile and laugh. Was dyin’ t’ kiss ya from the moment we met. Y’re strong and brave, an’ I love ya for all that you are….shhhh, can’t let anyone knows wha’s goin’ on.” But it was hard for him not to shout at how fucking good this was as he started to rut into his partner, leaning down to kiss at his shoulders and neck.

Steve’s voice was higher than he’s like as he whimpered “Fuck, how’d I get so lucky? Never thought I’d have something like this, especially not with someone I care about as much as you. Fuck, fuck,. Bucky…”

"I wanna feel you sweetheart" Bucky purred "Wanna feel you cum, hm? Can you cum for me?” He was aching with the need to feel his lover, and leaned down to kiss Steve, swallowing his gasps and moans. "Ah fuck... yes." He rolled his hips more firmly, leaning down to suck a heavy bruise on Steve’s neck.

The stimulation of it all was too much, and Steve’s legs hitched to his love’s waist, his back arched, and he came hard. He bit Bucky’s shoulder to keep from screaming as his whole body shook apar, his nails cutting into Bucky’s back. 

And Bucky? 

He loved it. 

He came into Steve, his vision going blurry with the power of it as he got lost in a world of stars and sensations, trying to pull himself together enough to not collapse over his partner.

Bucky, gathering himself, leaned down to kiss Steve, showing him all the love and affection in the world. “Love you” he whispered “Love you now. Love you always.”

Steve lay there shivering, kissing in response and whimpering as Bucky pulled out. “Love you too” he whispered, his body aching with delight at the whole situation. “Love you now. Love you always.”


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve gets to view a concert from backstage. A song is covered for Steve. A request is made. Bucky meets an unexpected pair of fans.

As Bucky went out on stage, freshly showered and wearing his makeup, with tattoos and piercings on full display, a lot of what was in his head was wiped away. This was both his job and his passion; to be on stage, to sing and play and jump around under the hot lights, listening to people singing along and forgetting all his problems. But one thing remained in his brain through his set: Steven Grant Rogers. Steve Rogers, the incredible self-made man who he’d met like a month ago. Steve Rogers, his boyfriend, his partner, and the guy Bucky would die for. 

The band played about a dozen songs; it was a lively punk show, with plenty of smiles from the performers and screams and cheers from the audience. Steve was caught up in the beauty of it from backstage, watching his boyfriend bounce and laugh and sing and play. It was incredible to see the musician caught up in the world of performance.

The concert was coming to a close

It was nearly time to leave.

Bucky moved up to the mic. 

“Alright um...now, I know this ain’t really punk, but who don’t like Elton John?” He shrugged his shoulders. “Uh...look, a lot of ya know about what was posted on my shit, and I think it’s ‘bout time ya hear it aloud. A lot of ya know or guessed that I’m gay. I got a boyfriend now. And this one’s f’him…”

The upbeat tune that started was very bouncy and familiar. Some of it had to be recorded instrumentals, but for the most part the band played everything. Bucky sang Elton’s part, and the rest of the band took Kiki Dee’s. 

“Don’t go breakin’ my heart…” Bucky’s voice wasn’t QUITE Elton’s, but it worked BEAUTIFULLY with the song. Rougher than the 70-something’s, Bucky still managed to make the song perfect.

“I couldn’t if I tried!” called the band.

“Oh honey if I get restless-”

“Baby you’re not the kind!”

Steve was listening from backstage, a big smile on his face as the band started to play ‘Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” by Elton John and Kiki Dee. He beamed as Bucky hit a specific part of the song and glanced over to stage left, where he knew Steve was. 

Bucky pointed and winked at his partner, and though the audience couldn’t see Steve, they got the idea. The song rose to a fever pitch, and Steve had stars in his eyes as he listened to thousands of voices singing a song that Bucky covered for STEVE, for HIM. It was INSANE. Steve hastily wiped his eyes. No tears, no no. This was fucking WEIRD. It hit Steve like a ton of bricks.

“I’m worth this.” He whispered “To him. To me. To everyone. I’m worth Elton John songs and-”

“-And he’s worth the world t’ me!” The song was over, and Bucky was speaking into the mic. He and Steve seemed to be on the same wavelength. “I ain’t gonna pull him out here, but listen...I gotta tell you all somethin’.” For the first time, Bucky hesitated. “Look, I’m flattered you guys wanna kiss me and stuff. But somethin’ like that...s’not good for me. For my head, and anxieties and stuff. So...I’d like t’ask ya t’stop. I’m happy with my boyfriend, and it hurts us both. ‘M happy t’have you all as friends and family, but random kisses just ain’t what I want. So I’m beggin ya t’stop. Now that’s out of the way…” He glanced over and Clint started clicking his drumsticks together. One of their more popular songs started to play.

When the concert finished, Bucky packed up his guitar (as always) and followed the band backstage, where Steve was waiting. “”Hey baby” Bucky’s voice was very warm “How’d ya like it?”

“Loved it. You…”

“Yeah yeah, it was f’you” responded Bucky, who knew where this was going. His dark hair was a wild disaster from jumping around, and he likely smelled AWFUL. No amount of deodorant could prevent a certain degree of STENCH under boiling stage lights in a hot venue. “Look, Stevie...m’glad ya here. M’glad I know ya. I do gotta go meet the people with passes, so uh...if you don’ wanna be seen tha’s okay, but I gotta go soon. If you wanna, you can come with…?” He sounded like he was avoiding begging. Bucky didn’t WANT to go without his boyfriend.

It didn’t matter that Bucky tried to hide it. Steve agreed to go immediately. “Course I’ll go with you Buck! But I’m not kissing you until you take a shower.”

“Oh shurrup” snorted the rocker, holding his love’s hand as they headed to the little area where the three contest winners would be.

It turned out to not at all be who they expected. They hadn’t been told or warned. It was a girl of perhaps 8 or 9 with her mom, and then two other contest winners, both young men. The little girl stood shyly by, and the mom looked totally lost. She just stood there, holding her daughter’s hand. Bucky noted that she was watching him, which made sense; Bucky was the face of the band to most people, so he approached (carefully) while Steve observed.

“Hey there” Bucky greeted the mom first with a warm smile and a touch to her arm. “M’Bucky.” He knelt. “And who’re you there honey?” He tilted his head, his eyes very warm as he looked at possibly the youngest fan he’d ever met.

Steve watched them talk. Noticed the way Bucky addressed the girl and her mom in turn, never ONCE asking the mom a question about the girl. Nope. The girl got questions about herself, and the mom got questions about herself.

Steve was impressed. The kiddo seemed happier with each passing moment to meet her hero. She asked to touch Bucky’s tattoos and he let her touch the one on his wrist so that she could see it was long-healed, and just normal skin. She asked him a few other questions, some of which would’ve been impertinent from an adult, but from a kid were quite normal. At once point she asked “When did you know you liked boys instead of girls?”

“Well…” Bucky smiled “I knew I was a boy f’r a long time. Since I c’n remember. I knew I liked boys almost as long. Some things ya know all at once, and tha’s how it was for me.”

“My mommy didn’t know she was a girl until she was older.” whispered the girl in a conspiratorial whisper.

The woman paled as she looked at Bucky.

“Yeah?” Bucky smiled. This was waaaaay above his paygrade, but clearly he needed to say the right thing or he could not only fuck up the mother's self-esteem, but also hurt the tiny fan. “Well tell ya what. Y’r mommy is pretty brave to realize she’s a woman, and she’s pretty beautiful, doncha think?”

The girl beamed “Yes! But I thought you only liked boys?”

“Kiddo, I only like boys. But I don’t wanna date flowers, an’ I still know they’re beautiful”

The girl gave him a curious look, and Bucky sighed “Your mama will explain it to ya when you’re a bit older.” He stood up, and smiled at the woman, reaching out to touch her hand. “Takes a strong person t’be who they were s’posed to. M’sorry kids got big mouthes” He winked at the girl, who huffed and pouted. “Look miss” He addressed the woman again. “Y’ll never hear a foul word from me or th’ band. And kids? They don’ resent stuff like this. They just know ya happy, and who ya are. Trust me.” 

“I do” responded the transgender mother. “I trust you.”


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky has some excellent news. A late-night heart-to-heart happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure how many chapters are left, but probably about 5! I don’t think there’ll be a part two, at least not until I wrap up my other fics. This chapter takes place after tour <3 
> 
> Also, WOW! This fic got more traffic than I EVER expected. I am blown away with the amount of people who love it, and I appreciate every view, every kudos, and every comment! Thank you!

It had been a short tour; in fact, there weren’t many locations at all, and just a few months later they had settled back into home. Home, together, the little house with the small garden and the painted shutters. Home, falling asleep and waking up side by side. Home, where Bucky could burn cereal and Steve could make perfect crepes from scratch. Home was where they were together.

They’d spent the tour with a lot of love; Steve watched from backstage, with similar songs being played but slight variations, with Bucky doing shoutouts for Steve and making that request at every. Single. Stop. He didn’t want to risk it happening again, didn’t want to risk the pain in Steve’s heart at such a sight...whether it was Bucky’s fault or not. Generally, he got a good response. Of course, there were still the entitled cuntweasels who got mad and posted a lot of BS on twitter or instagram. Bucky was encouraged to ignore it by...everyone, and he did his best. Still, he for the most part focused on the support. 

Nights at the hotel were filled with a dead sleep or sweat and panting...there was no in between. They would fall asleep in a tangled heap, and wake up sprawled out. Bucky, Steve learned, drooled in his sleep but somehow looked angelic. Bucky would often wake up to Steve gazing at him, playing with his loose hair. A slurred “G’mornin” followed by laughter from the blond was a sweet wakeup.

“Don’t go breaking my heart…” sang Steve under his breath. They were home. He was clearly in a good mood as he folded laundry, wearing his binder, a tank-top, and a pair of sweatpants. Normally, as the tank top revealed the binder, he wouldn’t wear it. In the privacy of their own home though, it wasn’t so bad. He heard the front door open and called out “Buck! I swear, if you were joking about bringing back Chinese food…”

“I’d ne’er joke ‘bout such a serious topic” Scoffed Bucky, stepping into their bedroom with a plastic bag crammed with to-go containers. “C’mon Stevie, got ya chicken fried rice…” He sounded almost teasing as he beamed at his love. “No egg, ya weirdo. I know ya ain’t allergic…”

“Oh c’mon, egg in rice?”

“Tha’s how it’s s’pposed t’be!” scoffed Bucky. This was their typical banter; “arguing” over stupid stuff like Chinese food and whether marshmallows were better golden or burned (for the record, Bucky preferred them burned). 

The rocker led the way back into the kitchen, setting the food down on the newly cleaned table and grinning. “Stevie baby…” He glanced over at the other man. “Gotta tell ya somethin’, but ya gotta promise not t’be mad.” Bucky rummaged for the plastic silverware they always put in despite him saying they didn’t need to.

Steve raised his eyebrows “Can’t promise, but now you kinda have to tell me. I mean, you can’t just say that and then walk away” He was just a little nervous; after all, Bucky didn’t really start conversations like that. Steve glanced up at the rocker, and was surprised to see a nervous smile on his face.

“Look, while we were on tour I called th’ best gender place in the country. Talked to ‘em about options, an’ we had a good chat.” he shifted from foot to foot. “I didn’ wanna tell ya in case they shot all this down, cause I dunno the process. But I explained the situation an’ they- MMF!” 

Steve had jumped on him and kissed him. His legs wrapped around Bucky’s waist and he was shaking with excitement as they broke the kiss. “What’d they say?!” he asked breathlessly “I mean...what’d they say, Buck?!”

“They uh...they got a couple idea. Depends on what you wanna have done. They had this thing um...look, I wanna carry ya, but they sent me an email an’ shit that has all the details. Can’t really get t’my phone with ya legs like that.”

But Steve kissed him again. Kissed him desperately, gratefully, excitedly “You idiot” he gasped out “How could you think I’d be mad about this?” His breath was coming in wheezy gasps, his glasse askew and his heart pounding in his chest

“Kinda went over ya head! Now hop down honey, lemme grab m’phone...and ya inhaler” Bucky was laughing. He was relieved that this had been well received; he’d made the call expecting it to take time, but it hadn’t! They’d gotten back to him almost right away and now here he and Steve were.

Steve finally got down, bouncing on the balls of his feet eagerly with his glasses jumping about on his face. The young man was incredibly excited as Bucky vanished into the other room, returning with his phone and the inhaler. He held it out to Steve who took a few puffs, handling it just long enough to be effective while Bucky pulled up the email from yesterday.

````````````

Dear Mr. Barnes,

We’re very pleased to hear that your partner is interested in gender reassignment surgery. Dr. Bruce Banner is our surgeon, an expert in procedures that reinforce the joy a transgender person might experience. We are happy to inform you that we are looking into several forms of surgery for those who are assigned female at birth. We will need to do an exam and an intake to fully grasp the options for your partner. If your partner has already had an intake at another facility, please have them send the records over to us. We would love to see you at our headquarters on any of the following dates. We look forward to hearing back from you.

`````````````  
The end of the email had a list of dates and contact information, as well as a list of doctors, nurses, the surgeon, and the secretary who sent the message.

Steve read and reread the message. The smile that grew across his face was so bright that it was impossible to ignore. Finally, he turned his gaze to Bucky “You’re filming soon” he remembered “You’re filming the Labyrinth remake. Let’s...let’s see if we can pick a day you aren’t filming. I’d like you to go with me.”

“Course I’ll go with ya Stevie!” The soft eyes of the rocker were bright with joy “I’ll go n’ hold ya hand n’ make sure not a soul says th’ wrong thing. I’ve got ya back Stevie. Always will.

``````````````

That evening, Steve lay wide away. They were in bed, and Bucky was supposedly asleep as Steve just...thought. Thought about the past, the present, and the future. Thought about top surgery and laughter and relief. Thought about the first concert and a broken binder and the new one. He reflected, and wondered how he got so lucky. How did this happen? How did his heart break and heal and break and now it felt like it was healed for good. He glanced over at Bucky and was surprised to find his boyfriend gazing at him almost adoringly.

“Hey baby” Bucky’s long hair was falling haphazardly into his eyes. “Watcha doin’ up? S’like 3 in the mornin’...”

“Thinking about how lucky I am” said Steve softly, shifting over so that his head was on Bucky’s chest. He marveled at how firm and flat it was, and wondered if his own would be like that sometime soon. Bucky smelled like apple pie and something heavy and masculine; Steve found that scent comforting and soothing. “Met the love of my life not that long ago, and now here we are.”

Bucky’s hand came up and started playing with Steve’s hair. “Glad I know ya Stevie. Y’re m’best guy. M’sugar. M’one n’ only.” Bucky sounded less tired the more he talked. “I mean Stevie…” He took a deep breath “Tol’ ya before that I was real depressed as a kid. Thought...thought I was gonna kill m’self before I hit 16. Thought nobody’d love me f’who I was, bein’ gay n’ depressed...bu’ here ya are, bein’ everything I wanted all m’life. It’s stupid how quick I fell in love with ya. Stupid how easy it was. Stupid how far I am from where I started. I mean...I was sufferin' so much in school. Thought if I withdrew, became dark and upsetting, people'd let me be. Didn' quite work like'at. I jus' had to deal with how I suffered...inside n' out. Barely seems important anymore."

Steve was quiet for a moment before he said “I love you for you, Bucky. And even if your depression gets bad again...it won’t change anything. You’re the guy I want forever. It’ll be damn hard to change that.”

“Love ya cookie.”

“I love you too, Buck.”


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve gets to visit Bucky on set!

The wait was torture. It drove Steve insane to count the days down on the calender, so he kept as busy as he could. Now that they were back at home, Steve had taken to doing art again. Sometimes he had Bucky sit for a while while the slender man sketched him.Steve’s glasses would slide down his face, and he’d squinch up his nose to fix them without pausing in his actions. Bucky would grin, breaking his pose, and sigh blissfully. Steve would look up and groan.

“Quit moving!” he huffed.

“Aw, but y’re cute as hell.” Bucky beamed, his cheeks going a little pink as they always did when he felt something like that for Steve.

“Shush and hold still” Steve stood, leaned down to kiss his boyfriend, and repositioned him to go as close to the old pose as possible. As he pulled back, Bucky caught his hand. He looked into Steve’s eyes and, without moving much, said calmly “I’m gonna marry ya one day Stevie...if y’ll have me”

Steve blinked in surprise, staring at him. “You...what?”

“I wanna marry you. I ain’t asking, don’t got a ring or anythin’...but I wanna marry you someday, and I’m gonna ask. Y’don’t gotta say yes, y’know? We ain’t known each other long at all. But ya just...y’mean so much t’me. And one day I’ll ask ya. A’right?”

Steve nodded mutely, and then tossed his pencil aside “Come to bed?” he asked softly.

“Y-Yeah...o’ course” said Bucky, standing beaming. He was clearly in a good mood, because based on the way Steve’s eyes had lit up, this was well-received.

Weeks passed. The appointment was in four fucking days and Steve was kind of a wreck. For the first time since Bucky met him, the trans man could be found looking at his bare chest in the mirror. The rocker caught Steve touching the skin there, tracing the outline, and clearly lost in thought.

“Hey cookie…”

“Hey Bucky.” Steve’s voice was distant, like he wasn’t altogether in this space.

“Um...y’okay? Seem a lil’ out of it.”

“I don’t mind the scars.” said Steve quietly “I hope you won’t either” He sounded stubborn, though it poorly hid his anxiety over the topic.

“W-What? Honey…” Bucky came forward, standing behind Steve and putting his hands on his love’s shoulders. “Honey, I don’ care if y’ve got scars or not. The only thing that’ll suck is knowing y’were hurtin’. But I also know how ready y’are for this.”

“Damn right I am” said Steve firmly “Couldn’t be more ready” He looked at Bucky in the mirror, and their eyes met. Bucky’s thumbs came to trace just below Steve’s chest, right below where the scars would be. They stood in silence for a while before the moment ended, and Bucky moved to hand Steve his shirt.

“Hey listen...I’m on set again tomorrow. Y’wanna join me? I mean...I know ya’ve been kinda nervous, but I promise nobody’ll say shit even if they COULD tell. Which, by th’ way, they can’t. Ya look as much of a man as ya are.”

Steve smiled as he pulled the shirt on. “Alright. Tomorrow” he agreed, grinning.

Steve could hardly sleep. This was Bucky’s JOB, and if anyone figured it out, it’d be too easy for his boyfriend to get fired or suffer poor treatment. But Steve also wasn’t ashamed of who he was, and knew Bucky wasn’t either. Obviously with Bucky’s fans being aware that Steve was his boyfriend, the slender man was in the spotlight now...but it still wasn’t public knowledge that he was trans! Steve didn’t end up sleeping that night. At around 5 am he slipped out of bed and went to take a hot shower. He shampooed his blond hair, humming softly until he heard the door to the bathroom open. 

“Stevie?” came a hoarse voice “Y’re up early”

Steve swiped the suds away from his forehead so they wouldn’t trail into his eyes as he peered around the shower curtain. “Sorry if I woke you Bucky” He sighed “Couldn’t sleep.”

“Oh yeah?” Bucky leaned forward to kiss his partner. “Wanna talk about it?” He hastily reached up to stroke some suds away from his love’s cheek. “I mean, y’don’t gotta. Jus’ know that I’m here for you.”

“I know Buck. Listen, I just need to rinse and then I’ll be all set.”

Bucky hopped up to settle onto the countertop behind the sink. He hummed for a moment and said “Y’know Stevie, I’m excited for ya appointment. Lookin’ forward to watchin’ th’ look on ya face when they go over the details.”

The shower shut off and Bucky held out a towel to his partner, who accepted it and wrapped it around his full body. Steve spoke. “I’m looking forward to it but...it doesn’t feel quite real yet. I keep waiting for it to sink in, but I guess I’m just waiting for something to fall through, y’know?”

“Believe me, I know” responded Bucky “But you’ll reach a point when you realize that, holy shit, it’s happening! Y’re life’ll be changed and soon after that y’ll have a flat chest. Well. Kinda. The swellin’ will be there for a while…”

“I know Buck” snorted Steve, but there was something...soft in his eyes. “You really did all that research, huh?”

Bucky hopped off the counter and approached him, touching his cheek. “Well...yeah, Steve. Y’re important t’ me. I wanna know what I should t’ help.” He leaned down to kiss Steve, smiling into it. “I’ve got ya baby. I’ve always got ya.”

“We just...we haven’t known each other that long. And anyway...this is more, I think, than your processing. This surgery is gonna do a hell of a lot, but it’s…”

“It ain’t a magic fix” responded Bucky “I ain’t expectin’ that. I just wanna show you how proud I am t’have you as a boyfriend. Whether y’re out ever or not. I’m proud, a’right Stevie? So proud an’...an’...Stevie?”

Steve was standing there staring at him, with tears trickling down his cheeks. His expression was mostly blank, but his eyes (generally partially obscured by his glasses) were filled with awe and emotions otherwise unknown.

It was hard to tell immediately that they were tears in the foggy bathroom with a little bit of water still trailing from the shorter man’s hair. But...Bucky could tell. Bucky KNEW. “Stevie, baby, honey...s’okay, yeah? I mean...it is, ain’t it?”

“I dunno why I keep being surprised by you” said Steve, soft but clear. “Just when I think I have you figured out, that you’re not going to say something like that...I start to let me guard down and you confirm that that’s a good thing. You show me that I...I…” His blonde hair was still soaking wet, and it somehow added to how fucking cute and emotionally drained he looked.

“That y’re worth the world, my favorite man. Y’re worth everythin’ t’ me. Wouldn’ trade ya for any fella.” Bucky brushed his thumb over Steve’s cheek, trying to stem the tears.

Steve hugged him. He didn’t really care that the towel was slipping. He just wanted a damn good hug. And he got one!

The drive to the studio was quiet. Steve kept nervously adjusting his binder, checking to make sure he looked okay, panicking a little over the possibility of Fucking This Up. Bucky lay a hand on his knee.

“Inhaler’s in th’ glovebox” said Bucky with a cheeky grin “Jus’ take it easy. Won’t let anythin’ bad happen t’you even if people did clock ya. Which they won’t. Like I said, ya look like as much of a man as y’are. Trust me Steve. I’ve got ya always.”

They pulled into the studio lot and Bucky jumped out, grabbing his bag of snacks and a change of clothes and walking around the car. As soon as Steve was out, Bucky took his hand and together they walked in. It was time.

They walked in hand-in-hand, and Bucky was immediately approached by 6 or 7 people, who began asking him questions, trying to talk to him about starting shooting, and all that shit. Bucky wasn’t having it yet. “Guys, c’mon, haven’t even had m’coffee. Gimme a sec. Oh, and this is m’boyfriend Steve. You all be nice, a’right? He’s my best guy.”

Steve smiled at them with equal cheek to Bucky’s typical look, acting more confident than he felt...which was about the norm for him in public. But...none of the crew seemed surprised. Now, Bucky was out more than ever, and him having a boyfriend was well known. Still, Steve had expected them to be surprised that Bucky wasn’t with some six-foot, ultra masculine guy. Not that there was anything wrong with six-foot ultra masculine men, but that obviously wasn’t Steve. It didn’t matter. The crew greeted him, pointed the way to the coffee, and went on their way.

Bucky went to sit for makeup and hair, and then was put into his costume for today. The remake of the Labyrinth was going to be great, especially since they were staying so true to the original. Almost no CGI, lots of puppets and practical effects, and of course Bucky’s own voice singing the original songs. Bucky had such a perfect voice for the role, though it was very different from Bowie’s. Either way, when Steve saw the man emerging from the dressing room, looking regal and proud with severe makeup and gorgeous hair (a wig, of course), it was hard to believe that it was Bucky. Those cool blue eyes found Steve...and lit up! “Stevie!” He grinned, crossing the room in his high boots. “Watcha think?”

“I think I want you to keep the outfit when all this is done” said Steve, his mouth dry as the desert. He reached up to straighten his glasses for something to do with his hands. 

Bucky snorted “Keep the outfit, eh? Look, Stevie...gonna be a bit creepy, seein’ me bein’ Jareth. I’ll try’n come see ya when I can...y’know, remind ya who’s under all this mess.” He shuffled his booted feet, feeling a little bad that he was about to be kind of a creep for the camera.

“Idiot” said Steve affectionately “I know it’s you. But I won’t argue to you coming by now and then” he grinned happily “Just excited to see you do this particular part of your work!”

And indeed, seeing Bucky on set was incredible. He totally embodied Jareth, and as he playfully tossed a baby into the air, the puppets all around him sang loud and snide. Bucky seemed to really be enjoying the role, and Steve was amazed at the joy and excitement on the rocker’s face. He clearly liked acting as much as he liked singing. 

“CUT!”

Bucky groaned and tickled the baby’s chin, before handing him over to the director. He turned to Steve and trotted over “Watcha think? How d’you like it?”

“You’re amazing!” praised Steve, watching Bucky blush under the makeup “You clearly know what you’re doing, and you seem to really enjoy it!”

“I do. ‘Specially since I had a fella to impress this time ‘round” snorted Bucky. He eyed Steve’s hand as it came out to touch the shockingly realistic wig. “Tell ya, this shit is HOT but s’worth it t’see ya tongue poke out all cute.”

Steve’s tongue shot back into his mouth and he rolled his eyes. “You really did great” he praised “Buck, I’m so so proud of you.”

“Yeah?” said Bucky “Well I guess we get t’ be proud o’ each other.”


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve reflects on how lucky he is. On the drive back home from filming, something unexpected happens.

As Steve watched Bucky perform, he reflected on just how lucky he was. No, it wasn’t because his boyfriend was a rockstar and an actor. It wasn’t because of wealth or fame. Steve didn’t even consider those things bonuses! He was lucky because he was with this incredible man. This man who dove into everything with passion and joy, who fought for what was right and who never missed an opportunity to smile. Steve KNEW that Bucky had some mental health issues; depression was no joke, and there would be times when smiling and laughing wouldn’t come as easily. Steve was ready for that. Ready to help. No, he couldn’t fix it, just as Bucky couldn’t solve his dysphoria with just a kiss. But support and care could do worlds of good, even if true healing was through them impossible.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Steve had recently watched Bucky take his own pills; he hadn’t seen it before, but only a bit ago he had seen Bucky dig in a drawer and take out 4 bottles of pills, carefully labeled. He’d dished out a couple of them and went to fill a glass with water; Steve approached, laying his hands on his partner’s waist. “Proud of you” he said quietly.

“I do what I gotta” responded Bucky simply.

“Doesn’t matter. I’m still proud. And hey…” As Steve spoke, Bucky turned to face him. “Some people aren’t ready yet. That doesn’t make them bad or wrong. It’s not bad or wrong if people can’t afford their medication, or can’t handle taking it, or can’t see a doctor who will help them. None of that makes them cowards or stupid. You still did something good by taking those steps, and by continuing to follow through.”

“I feel be’er Stevie. Be’er ‘n I did before I was on m’ pills. Wouldn’t go off ‘em even if I wanted to. Which I don’.”

“Good” Steve had responded “I like you smiling”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They were there for almost ten hours that day; it was a long process, and Steve either watched or read a book he’d brought. He enjoyed seeing Bucky act, but it could get a little overwhelming to only focus on that. Bucky didn’t really LOOK like Bucky, but every once in a while Steve would catch an expression or tone that made him smile. The singing, too, was a solid reminder of who exactly this was. It comforted Steve to watch and know that regardless of the amount of makeup and costume gear, Bucky was always Bucky. By the time it was over though, Steve was excited to see Bucky back to himself. When the last scene of the day cut, Bucky’s immediate response was to hurry over to Steve and kiss him. This smeared make-up everywhere, which had both of them giggling. It was a nice little moment. 

“What didya think?”

“Oh it was great, but I’ll be glad to get you home and run you a bath.”

“Sayin’ I stink?” protested Bucky with playful indignation. 

“I’m saying we both need to wash now that you got makeup all over me” snorted Steve, reaching up to adjust his somewhat smeared glasses. He was grinning. “I’ll make some baked chicken for us too; bet you could use a meal. They don’t give you much of a break, huh?”

“They offered me some” responded Bucky “And I woulda taken ‘em if other people were on th’ line, bu’ it was jus’ me, cause everyone else rotates out. Thought I could hold off, ‘cept some piss breaks.”

Steve playfully smacked him on the back of the head. “I was wondering about that, but didn’t want to interrupt! Next time give yourself a damn break. Now c’mon, change out of that and we’ll head home!”

Bucky beamed. God, he LOVED it when Steve called the house ‘home’, referring to both of them! It made his whole heart scream with excitement!

Steve noticed, and grinned in response. “Sap” he laughed.

When Bucky came back out, he had gotten most of the makeup off, removed the wig, and was in a comfortable pair of sweats and a hoodie. His tongue stud was back in, rather than the clear bit that would keep it from closing and not be visible on screen. His earrings, too, were back to normal rather than the elaborate danglers that worked well with the character. As he approached Steve, Steve’s heart felt like it could melt. Bucky looked exhausted but pleased with himself, and Steve really did have every intent to run him a bath and help him relax. Steve was a caretaker by nature...just not generally toward himself.

The car ride back would’ve been quiet had it not been for the fact that at some point Bucky practically screamed “STEVIE! PULL OVER!”

Steve jerked the wheel to the right and threw the car into park, staring at Bucky. He’d been driving because Bucky was so tired, but abruptly the rocker seemed more awake than ever. Before Steve could ask ‘what the hell’ or, more calmly, ‘what’s up?’, Bucky was out of the car. Steve jumped out, following hastily behind as Bucky sprinted back the way they’d come. Normally, the taller man would’ve waited for Steve, but now he needed to move fast. He skidded to a stop beside a parked car, and got flat on his chest beside it, looking beneath the vehicle. 

Steve caught up; he’d done his best not to push himself, as his inhaler was back in the car and this must be pretty important.Steve knelt beside Bucky, kind of glad they were in a suburban neighborhood, rather than the hustle and bustle of the city. Bucky was half under the car at this point, murmuring softly. Steve didn’t say anything; whatever was under there that Bucky was trying to get to must’ve been alive for it to be so time-sensitive, and also must be spooked. 

Bucky then started slowly scooting out, trying to get out from under the car without getting too scraped up; being dirty was, of course, a bygone conclusion, but God only knew what was beneath that car other than….

Bucky finally got out and stood, holding something carefully in his hands, and Steve looked curiously as a little head poked up. The kitten was black, her fur matted and filthy, and her eyes clearly sealed shut with grime and gunk. The poor thing was in pitiful shape.

“How did you even see her?” asked Steve in shock, gently running his finger along the cat’s head, trying to soothe her. But the little creature was shaking like a leaf, clearly shocked by whatever had happened to her and trying to hide away in Bucky’s large hands.

“C’n we...I mean, ‘re you allergic?” asked Bucky quickly.

“I’m only really allergic to foods and medications” responded Steve “Let’s get her into the car; she could use a bath and some food. I’ll bet I could use some of the lunch meat until we get her good soft food.”

Bucky beamed excitedly, tucking the kitten into the hem of his shirt to keep her safe and secure. As they got back into the car, Bucky was softly cooing over the kitten, looking down at the shaking little lump wrapped up at the bottom of his shirt.

“Good eye” commented Steve, who couldn’t believe the little one had been spotted. “Damn good eye. She’s clearly been out here a while too; I wonder if she’s a street cat her whole life, or if she was abandoned.”

There came a soft peeping noise from Bucky’s shirt, and he chuckled “We’ll get ya cleaned up honey, safe n’ sound.”

They reached home and immediately practically jumped from the car, hurrying up the steps to start taking care of the kitten. “I’ll grab towels and some shampoo and stuff; human will have to do for the moment, and we’ll need cotton swabs for her ears and eyes…” Steve jogged to the linen closet to grab some fresh towels and a washcloth, and returned to Bucky.

Bucky had moved over to the tub and started to run a warm, shallow bath. He tested it with his pinky, making sure it wasn’t too hot nor too cold. The kitten was mewing in protest at the sound of the water, and struggled feebly as she was gently put in up to her elbows. Steve handed Bucky the cup from the sink, and Bucky began to slowly pour water across the little fuzzy creature’s body. The water was immediately murky as dirt washed away from her, and with a washcloth and clean water, Bucky started to clear her eyes and nose. She flicked her ears and tried to pull away, clearly displeased by the water, despite how much better both men knew she’d feel later. Steve went to kneel beside Bucky, watching the cats soft orange fur become more and more clear. As she was cleaned and the fur became sleeker, you could see how thin she was, and immediately both men knew she’d require a lot of TLC. The shampoo came next. They used it very sparingly, just enough to get a lot of the leftover debris out of her fur. The bath had to be drained and refilled again, just to be sure she didn’t soak shampoo and dirt right back into her fur. 

Getting her out, they wrapped her up in a towel and moved to the living area where they began to dry her off.

“Listen” said Steve. “I’m gonna go get some cat stuff; food, litterbox, bed, toys…” He adjusted his glasses “If we’re keeping her, we should do this right”

Bucky beamed at him. “Y’re one of a kind Stevie. I’ll dry ‘er off, clean ‘er ears, all that stuff. Just make sure she’s good n’ safe. I’ll make a vet appointment too, jus’ to be sure she’s a’right”

Steve kissed his boyfriend, and off her went. As he started to close the front door behind him, he heard Bucky begin to sing to the kitty.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A quick run through the process of getting to the appointment!

Steve woke up in the very early morning to a light pressure on his hip. He blinked blearily, trying to focus on what was there, trying to figure out if it was Bucky’s hand. Realizing he could feel one of Bucky’s arms beneath him and the other hand on his side, he craned his neck to get a look, and spotted the tiny kitten. Clean, warm, well-fed, and wearing a brand new collar. Steve smiled as the memories came rushing back. They’d had this little baby for a few days now, and she was already very attached to them. She cuddled every night, though when they were getting frisky they had to lock her out of the room. This was generally met with protests unless they turned on the heating pad and gave her plenty of food. But hey, new parents still needed some...quality time!

For the moment though, Steve let out a soft, content sigh. He’d never expected to have this, and every day his confidence grew more and more. Every day he realized just how lucky he was, and how much he deserved the situation he was in. 

He heard a soft groan from Bucky, who mumbled “Y’okay Stevie? Wha’s goin’ on?” His hand slid down Steve’s side and found the soft fur of the kitten, who immediately began to purr in her rumbling way. Bucky smiled and said “Lookit that. She likes ya. Stevie...thanks f’lettin’ me keep her.” He sounded so pleased, despite how tired he clearly was. He sat up, moving his hands to push some of his hair out of his eyes. Bucky’s characteristic head-tilt and slightly pouted lips spoke the word of the vulnerable happiness he was feeling at that moment.

“Always wanted a pet” admitted Steve, who was a little more awake at this point. “Works out that you found one. I mean...she’s going to be a great member of our family.”

Bucky leaned over to give Steve’s cheek a kiss. “Love when you talk like that” He hummed. He didn’t try to shift Steve closer, as it would disturb the cat; instead, Bucky himself moved over toward his boyfriend. He dotted kisses all over his partner’s shoulder, cheek, and neck. Steve’s shoulders automatically lifted as he snorted in amusement, vaguely ticklish at the feeling. God, he LOVED this. 

Things began to settle down. Steve was drifting off to sleep, and Bucky had his head on Steve’s side. The tattooed rocker was quiet for a long while before asking a startling question. “Stevie...d’you want kids?”

Steve stiffened in surprise, his whole body tensing before he quietly answered. “Yes...but I don’t want to...y’know?” Oh God, was this about to be a dealbreaker? Steve knew full well that some trans guys carried kids, but Steve could absolutely not handle it. He admired those that could but...he couldn’t. It’d kill him, potentially literally due to his health problems combined with dysphoria.

“Stevie, I’d never ask ya t’do that, y’know? Not even in my brain as a thought. I more meant...well…” Bucky sighed “Always wanted a coupla kids. Y’know? Always loved the thought. An’ I ain’t sayin’ soon, but maybe one day we could, I dunno, adopt?”

“I’d like that Buck.” Steve was relieved they were on the same page. Steve was in a position where he could be happy with or without kids, but suddenly, the thought of them with Bucky brought the biggest smile to his face. “You...suppose we’ll get married someday, then?”

“Suppose?” laughed Bucky “Already got it in mind how I’m gonna ask! Just sit tight, Stevie. It’s comin’” He sat up and leaned in to kiss his partner again, blowing a playful raspberry against Steve’s cheek.

“Ridiculous!” laughed Steve, adjusting the cat so he could properly roll to face his boyfriend. He looked into Bucky’s eyes for a long time. He saw a lot there. The sweetness, softness, kindness that Bucky lived and breathed. The way his lashes were thick enough that it was like he was wearing make-up. The way his pupils contracted and dilated in the low light of the bedroom. Steve hummed happily, and scooted closer to kiss his lover.

Another long silence after the kiss broke. “So my consult is coming up” he pointed out. He was fidgeting with nerves and excitement at the very thought.

“Not long from now!” said Bucky cheerfully (and loud enough that the kitten jumped). “We’ll catch a flight out the day before, and y’ll go in and see the surgeon. Bet it goes great!” A soft light filtered through the room around them. They’d stuck those plastic glow-in-the-dark stars up to the ceiling, because they were adults damnit, and they could. Bucky, knowing the number by heart, looked up and counted them anyway. 

“Well...I hope so” said Steve “I’m still waiting for something to fall through, honestly.” And he was. Steve didn’t want to put all his faith in this, only for it to go wrong at the last second.

“Y’re too used t’that” Bucky’s voice was mournful. “But this time, nothin’ bad’ll happen...I promise. Well...somethin’ bad might” he corrected “But I’ll make sure ya get there if s’the last thing I do.”

And he did.

It was one week later. Steve was silent on the drive to the airport. Absolutely, totally silent. He stared out the window of the car, thinking of their cat being cared for by Bucky’s bandmates, thinking of what was going to happen tomorrow. How the hell was he supposed to feel about this? Oh, fantastic for sure! He was finally taking a step toward his top surgery. But he was also nervous; well, terrified. He had plenty of health problems...what if they were a dealbreaker? What if the surgeon said that they couldn’t take the risk to operate? Steve had bad lungs, rough joints, a LOT of issues. This life-changing surgery could be denied...and then what? He noted that Bucky had placed a hand on Steve’s knee as he drove.

“Penny for ya thoughts?” he asked.

“You can have them for free” A pause. “I guess I’m just worried this won’t turn out the way I hope. I’m worried I’ll get there, with my records, and they’ll just...turn me away.”

“Steve, I can’t promise somethin’ like ‘at is impossible. But I c’n tell you this is the best surgeon in the country, and one of the top in the world. ‘M sure he’ll take a look an’ say s’ a piece o’ cake. An’ pretend for a sec he don’t...there’re lotsa surgeons out there. We’ll find one.”

“Thanks Buck” said Steve softly “I really hope you’re right. I mean, if I can’t get rid of my chest...I don’t know what I’ll do.”

“We’ll figure it out Stevie...no ma’er what”

The airport. Parking in long term parking, they had a few hours to get to the gate and board their flight. They decided to grab a quick meal in the food court, knowing that plane food usually smelled terrible and tasted worse. As they sat at the table, chowing down on overpriced chicken wings and french fries, Steve asked “So...you’re used to flying, right?”

“Oh yeah” responded Bucky, his cheeks packed with french fries. “I mean, we ain’t really the type to stay still. Our band’s been tourin’ for years. Jus’ glad you ended up at one of our shows” He swallowed that massive amount of food, and Steve laughed at the sight.

“Goof” he snorted. “I’m still a little nervous. I know I’ve been on a plane a few times because of tour, but…”

“But?” asked Bucky, lowering the chicken he was about to shove in his mouth. “Wha’s on ya mind Stevie?”

“This is a different ballgame” responded Steve. “If the flight gets delayed too long, or we get off the flight and just about anything goes wrong...that’s a problem that I won’t know how to handle.”

“Well, again Stevie, can’t promise nothin’ goes wrong. But I can promise tha’ no ma’er what, we’ll handle it. T’gether. Alright?”

“Alright Buck” Steve seemed a bit happier after that, that was for sure. He trusted that Bucky would see them through this no matter what.

And sure enough...Bucky did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We don't have too many chapters left, but I've truly loved writing this! Hope you're all enjoying! Also, please check out some of my other fics! I'm working through them slowly as I work full time right now, but I'm chipping away!


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The visit with the surgeon is upon them, and Bucky is there with yet another surprise.

Steve didn’t like this. Not even a little. He didn’t like stripping naked in a doctor’s office but for his boxers. He didn’t like the camera sitting on the table to his left. He didn’t like the insistent ‘tick...tick...tick…’ of the clock on the wall. And most of all, he didn’t like that the doctor was now a half hour late. 

Steve felt so stupid. He was close to tears at this point. The nurse had shown them into the room and spoken to them. 

“Alright, Mr. Rogers and Mr. Barnes, please keep in mind that we’re very busy here. We’ll need you to quickly put on this gown. It is important we see your chest as it is, as well as take photos so that we can get a good plan of what our surgical options are.”

Steve had twitched at the mention of pictures, but Bucky grabbed his hand and held it tight. The callouses on the rocker’s fingers were surprisingly soothing in this context; a rough familiarity sanding over the back of Steve’s hand. Steve shuddered slightly, trying to take deep breaths.

The nurse, not without compassion, said gently “This situation is all leading up to you being perfectly comfortable shirtless. There’s no shame in feeling the way you do, but I promise we’re here for you and your health and safety.”

Steve nodded mutely. What was he supposed to say? He didn’t want any photos of his chest floating around out there. The nurse moved on, because what else could she herself say?

“Now, when the surgeon arrives, he’ll be doing an examine. He’ll go over the medical records you gave us, talk to you about risks and concerns, discuss ways to assuage them, and take photographs. The pictures are SOLELY for our records, so that we can check over our plans now and then. We may do a mammogram as well...which will be uncomfortable. Whether or not we do it depends on your family history. I’m going to step out now as you change. Do you want your partner to leave as well?”

“No!” said Steve quickly “Sorry...no, I need him here. Please?” He looked over at Bucky. The rocker nodded immediately, a few strands of hair falling loose from his bun. As soon as the nurse stepped out...he hugged Steve. Hugged him tight enough that it drove a little bit of breath out of the slender man. Finally, the hug released as Bucky looked at him with a tender smile. “Y’ got this Stevie. Won’t be long...and then we’re good t’ go. Then we’re home clear.”

Steve nodded, standing and slowly beginning to strip, picking up speed so that he could get it over with and get the damn gown on. Ugh. Even the word ‘gown’ made him want to puke. His tattoos were revealed one by one as he stripped down, and Bucky leaned against the door and kept his eyes on Steve’s features. His gaze didn’t trail down across his body. It mostly focused on Steve’s nose, his lips, his hair. And those blue, blue eyes. Those eyes drove Bucky MAD, he wanted to look into them all day every day because he saw their FUTURE there. Saw a life where he toured every now and then, but mostly recorded albums with the band from home. He saw a life with a gorgeous man he could hold hands with and love on and BE THERE FOR. He saw a whirlwind of pride parades and adoption forms and pets and dinners and more….

He saw everything.

Steve put on the gown and turned his back to Bucky, who snapped out of his trance and went to tie the back of the gown up. When the man was done, he started to gently rub Steve’s shoulders, trying to ease some of the tension out of them. He wanted Steve to feel good about this, or at least...better. He wanted Steve to know that this was the first step toward freedom.

Now a half hour had passed. A long half hour since the doctor was supposed to come in, and Steve was really and truly panicking (internally). Bucky sat beside him on the exam table with an arm around his silent, stoic boyfriend. 

“It’ll be alright” Bucky soothed “They’re comin’, I promise.” Bucky pressed a kiss to the side of Steve’s head. Steve seemed...tired. He seemed like he was getting close to giving up.

And he was. He couldn’t seem to make his back straight, so when he sagged, his chest touched his abdomen uncomfortably. He hated that. He’d not expected to sit here this long, waiting for a doctor. He’d not expected to have to handle this pain for THIS LONG. He squeezed his eyes shut...and they flashed open at the sound of a knock on the door.

Bucky called “C’mon in!” in a voice that showed how on-edge he was. He didn’t like Steve being so clearly uncomfortable. The sooner they had this surgery...the better. 

A man walked in; he was clean shaven, his eyes a soft brown, his purple shirt slightly disheveled and his expression very warm. He approached the two and shook hands first with Steve, then with Bucky. “It’s a pleasure to meet you both” he said clearly. “My name’s Bruce Banner, and I’m the gender confirmation surgeon here. I’m glad to see you both” 

His attention was almost totally on Steve. “Now, I know this is difficult, but I do need to see your chest so we can be fully prepared for what comes next.” Apparently the good doctor cut right to the chase, which made sense. They were on a schedule and he wanted to see what he was working with.

Steve hesitated, and Bucky went to sit beside him on the exam table, carefully touching the ties. Steve glanced over his shoulder at him, took a shaky breath, and nodded. Bucky’s careful fingers untied the gown and he let Steve pull it off his chest. Steve TRIED to keep his back straight but his mild bend prevented it. The doctor observed for a moment, and put on a set of gloves.

“I need to touch” he said gently. “It’s important to know exactly what I’m doing.”

Steve’s eyes squeezed shut. He hated this, he hated this, he hated this, he hated this.

But the doctor’s hands were gentle, barely there, just enough pressure to check over everything and know tissue density, musculature beneath, and all of that. As he worked, feeling the base of each breast, he asked “How long have you been out as transgender?”

“I was just a kid…” responded Steve, his breath slightly wheezy from panic. Bucky was on standby with an inhaler, but the doctor continued diligently on. The quicker this was over with, the better. Steve went on. “I told me mom eventually, and she was really supportive. Got me my first binder, and had my back until the day she passed.”

The doctor hummed “I’m sorry about your mother. She must’ve been a wonderful woman to be so supportive.” He pulled his hands back and moved over to the records they’d brought, flipping through them. “You can put your gown back on” he said calmly.

Bucky hastily helped tie the gown back up, covering Steve again and putting an arm around him. He looked anxiously on as Bruce carefully read through everything. “This is complicated...but definitely doable.” said the doctor calmly. “The scoliosis is mild enough that creating an even appearence won’t be an issue. You will need double incision; periareolar isn’t an option. We’ll have to have quite a bit of blood on standby, just to be safe, as it seems you have a clotting disorder and are on bloodthinners.” He sighed “We’ll put you off the bloodthinners for 48 hours before your surgery, and keep you here during that time to have you under observation in case of a clot. The primary issue I see regarding the actual surgery is your blood type.”

“O-” Responded Steve. “Why is that an issue?”

“You can donate to everyone...but can only accept blood from O- donors. We don’t have many in our records right now. We’ll have to-”

“Uh, Doc? Sorry t’ interrupt but...I’m O neg.”

“Sorry...what?” asked the Doctor, totally shocked. “Er…” The odds, as well as the implication of Bucky’s statement, were startling.

“I’m O negative. Found out years ago when they uh...needed a blood donation to keep me upright. Happened to have plenty to keep me going, but it’s how I found out that I really mighta died.”

“B-Bucky, I can’t ask you too-” started Steve, shaking his head.

“Look, Stevie. I ain’t doin’ this so you owe me or any bullshit like ‘at. I’m doin’ this cause I love ya. I want ya to be happy. Please Stevie...lemme do this for ya? Please?” He looked to the doctor. “Doc, I wanna. Just walk me through what to do.”

Steve held tight to Bucky’s hand, shaking a little with amazement.

“There’s...one more barrier…” admitted the doctor. “Your medical history shows no signs of cancer, Mr. Rogers, but it does show that you have a history of asthma.”

“Yes…” said Steve, looking worried that this was about to be a dealbreaker.

“We’ll need to intubate you, as is typical for surgery. A tube down your airway to improve breathing. We’ll also need your consent to give you a medication along with the oxygen to prevent an asthma attack while unconscious. This medication does have side affects that I will walk you through.”

“So...what you’re saying is that if I agree to all this...I can have my top surgery?”

“We’re not available for three more months, but if you schedule today, I can have your appointment after that period.” Bruce noted the look on Steve’s face and tilted his head. “You expected...no?”

“I expected you to ask about insurance that I don’t have, or not want to risk your record for my medical issues, or…”

“Mr. Barnes already informed us that he will be covering the surgery. He just requested that he keep you comfortable, safe, and happy.” Bruce shook his head “Which we will, Mr. Rogers, I can assure you. We’re here to make your life comfortable and easy. We can also put you in touch with some lawyers in New York for your legal name and gender marker change…”

Steve looked like he was struggling to understand that this was real. He was actually having his top surgery. He was ACTUALLY going to be able to have a flat chest. No more binding, no more trying to lay in a way that wouldn’t emphasize the feeling. He leaned into Bucky, who wrapped his arms around his partner. 

The good doctor slipped out. He would leave them be for a while.

Steve’s fingers grasped at the front of Bucky’s shirt, clinging there as tight as he could, and Bucky played with his hair. 

“It’s happenin’ baby” said the rocker softly, kissing the top of the blond’s head. “It’s happenin’ in three months, and then we’ll get ya name an’ gender legally changed. S’all gonna be okay, I promise.”

“I’ll never be able to thank you for all this” admitted Steve, his voice hoarse with emotion and shock. “I’ll never be able to stop saying thank you.”

“Jus’ bein’ happy is enough f’ me honey. I’ve got ya always.” There was a long, long silence. “Ya mama would be proud o’ you.”

Steve held on even tighter. He didn’t know what to say to that! It just meant so much that he was saying all this. It meant the world. It meant...that Steve had a beautiful future ahead, and not only did Bucky believe in it, he was making it happen! Steve whispered into Bucky’s chest “I love you...so much. You have no idea how much.”

“I love you too Stevie...I always will.”

Returning to the hotel was...well, it was odd. They were quieter than usual on the drive, not speaking but for a few soft ‘I love you’s.” There was no discomfort; just a pensieve curiosity. At one point, Steve rolled his window down and let the cool air whip around him. It cleared his senses, and reminded him that this was real...he was ALIVE! He was BREATHING, and soon he’d have these horrible things off his chest!

Again, Bucky’s hand slid back and forth across Steve’s knee, and he also seemed lost in thought. He wanted to support his boyfriend, but he also knew better than to interupt the introspection. When they parked, however, Steve was the one who broke the silence.

“Bucky...why are you doing all this for me?” Steve still seemed pretty stuck on this. He asked at least once a week, and Bucky was starting to realize he needed to give a better answer.

Bucky spoke, soft, clear, and reassuring. “Because Stevie...all my life I’ve been lookin’ for someone t’ share my life with. Someone t’ have breakfast with, to laugh an’ joke with, someone t’ care for when he’s sick and someone t’do the same for me. Found that in you, honey.” He smiled at his love. “An’ how happy d’you suppose our future would be if I’ve got a mopey husband who hates how he looks, hm? I wanna help you feel more like you...like you always should’ve been able to. Please Stevie, jus’ hear me. I’m doin’ this cause I love ya. I always will. I promise.”


End file.
